Triggering (SI/OD) - Nowhere To Go, No-one To Turn To :(
If I knew what was wrong then i'd tell people what was wrong, but all I know is that I just feel like a complete failure now. I was doing okay with my ED, now I'm slipping back into restricting heavily and starving and now I feel so, so much like just drawing that blade across my skin once more..
I've not done it for about 6 or 7 weeks and I know for a fact that I've pushed past all those urges.. But since the fire...
I've just felt like starving, cutting, OD'ing.. Anything to harm me and now that I've eaten something today, I have plans to OD and i hate it. Why do I have to punish myself for eating, for helping me live? Because I want to die? Porbably.. I'm just so sick of it and I have no-one to talk to who won't lecture me about it or who will understand or who won't hate me for it. I'm sick of it.
I wish I wasn't even alive anymore and now I just want to OD and my life to be over with. God I must sound so selfish, but I can't help it. I just wish I'd never lived this life for it to be so ****. I've been through hell and almost back, but no-one notices that I'm coming back from hell, that me, the one that always has to be chirpy, happy, strong, helpful all the freakin' time, is struggling to come back from hell, and has actually BEEN through hell. It's like I'm not even allowed to ****ing struggle and as soon as I do, people hate me for it.
Well hate me all you lke. This is me and me is who I want to be, but I just want to be happy and I'm trying my best to make that happen. I wish I could cut so deep that I hit an artery or something and then no-one wold know and I'd just die. Or just OD it'd be much less easy to find out the cause of death or something, idk. I just don't want to live this life anymore. It sucks and I hate it and i hate me.
All I want is a bit of support when I give out so much support to people I don't even know, even IRL.. I'm not begrudging that... I just need a bit of support myself today..
I'm sorry.. :(
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
*Reads article*
Well you've just been through a really really traumatic and horrible experience... and because of things that have happened to you previously, your way of coping with traumatic and horrible experiences is... to SI. (in whatever form that takes)
It's no wonder you feel so awful, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, no one here hates you *cuddles*.
Is there anyone like a therapist/MH person/Doctor you can speak to about this? It's totally 'normal' to need help after an experience like this, please be brave and speak to someone...
Perhaps someone where you live could help? I notice it's a housing thingy do they have someone who could point you in the right direction?
Big hugs, you are totally and utterly allowed to cry and fall to pieces after what you've been through, don't feel guilty about it... just try to get help
Take care
PM if you need to......
Beth x
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
My key support worker...? I'm seeing him in about 10 minutes, but if I tol dhim exactly how I felt, he'd get the crisis team onto me, I just know he would. I'm so fat and ugly and I don't deserve to eat, yeah it may not be much to people here, but it's too much for me.
I'm phoning up the MHT today because they're waiting to give me an assessment. I don't want to go for the assessment, what's the point? I want to be gone by tonight anyway. I just give up completely. I fight so, so f-cking hard and then someone goes and dumps a massive **** on me and now I'm panicking again and I'm sweating buckets again because of panicking and it's horrible. I hate anxiety. Why does everything have to be wrong with my stupid ****ed up head?!
I hate it. I hate me. I give up. I haven't given up in ages, but what's the point in fighting so hard anymore when something bigger just HAS to go wrong?!
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
Please, please dont give up. You have been getting better, and will continue to...
Its not your fault that this horrible thing has happened to you, and I know it doesnt feel like it now, but it will get better again x
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
Yes, but it'll just keep getting better and then getting majorly worse again to cancel out the progress I make and the merry go round is getting faster and faster and the bad things happening geting closer and closer together in time and I just can't stand it anymore. What the hell did I ever do to deserve ANY of this ****?!?!?!
All I've ever done is try my hardest to be the best daughter/friend/girlfriend.sister/cousin/auntie/whatever that anyone could wish for, all I've ever done is try my hardest to help people, even if those people are blatantly lying about the **** they've been through and making it all up, even the people that aren't worth a single millisecond of my time!!!
I STILL push my own **** aside and help them first, but noooo Kirsten's not allowed to be weak once in a while, Kirsten is the strong one, the organised one, the counsellor that everybody goes to, the punchbag, the one that listens to everybody and never crues or gets angry or gets upset or any negative emotion, the one that ALWAYS WANTS TO HELP!!!!!
So why do I always seem to get dirt kicked back in my face when all I've ever done is be kind and lovely and friendly and helpful, even to those that don't deserve it.. I wish I could just feel for one minute, someone's appreciation, someone caring about me and asking how I am for once instead of me always asking how THEY are and getting another lie about how **** they're feeling because so and so just got run over and is in a coma or jumped off a roof and is on life support or whatever. None of that was true and people do it to me all the time..
Why take advantage of something that could just as easily be taken away from you if you're found out? I've NEVER, EVER taken advantage of what I have. I may not have a gorgeous, massive, fully furnished flat or house, or a flashy car, or a jpb, or hundreds of friends or loads of money, but I know too goddamn well that I got what I have all by myself and I am damn proud of that. But no, everyone makes out that I ask for things, for sympathy, for new furniture and such, from others. No. I don't. If anything, it's offered to me because I'm STILL saving up what little money I scrimp and save, to get a decent sofa, or a new bed, or a washing machine so that I can use it to wash my clothes instead of scrubbing my hands raw by hand washing them, or whatever.
I'm sorry for ranting. I justfeel terrible and I hate it :( I hate feeling lik3e people hate me for who I am, for what do when all I ever try to do is be the best person I can and I know I'm a good person, I have a kind heart and I give what I don't have to others. Ffs! I give to 2 different charities and I only get £45 a week! And that's spent on rent, food and electricity! How can anyone say that I take off people. I never do :(
Jeez.
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
You sound like a pretty awesome person to me, and a lot stronger than you are currently feeling...
I know how hard it is to live on that kind of money, and how bad it makes you feel... Anyone who thinks you aske for too much clearly has never done it, and generally these people you refer too really sound like they have no clue how hard things are outside their own little bubbles.
I often feel so upset and frustrated when people moan about money or boyfriends or whatever, cos I feel like "yeh? and have you tried living MY life?!!"
I think soem people have their own mental probs and just deal with it by being crappy, and people like us who acknowledge our faults and stuff and try to be better people just get **** on... even though tbh id rather know 'us' than 'them'.
Sorry if this makes no sense, I know ur feeling hopeless atm but it sounds like you've got all the right ingredients for a brighter future, I just hope it hurries up a bit... *more huggles*
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I get what you mean and I'm glad I'm not alone, but it's not nice to live how we do... It's extremely difficult but we get along with our lives and push on for better things.
Yes, I hate people that are like that, just like you do, earthbound_misfit. And I'd rather know 'us' than them. I wouldn't particularly want to know myself though :/ but that's just my opinion. What makes you think I'm awesome?
I have lost a lot now to some prick who couldn't care less about having put me into hospital. I almost punched him for it earlier. I'm so, so mad!
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
I think you are awesome because you are clearly doing well in a very difficult situation... you are scrimping and saving for better things, you are trying to get better (and suceeding, this is just a set back)
And you sound like a really lovely caring person, too...
And you were restrained enough not to hit him (I admire that!)
etc etc
And ive not even met you :p but you sound like someone I'd like to know...
And better things are coming, sista *starts dancing around handbag*
I think ive gone mad...
*hugs again*
Last edited by earthbound_misfit : 12-08-2009 at 09:27 PM.
Reason: thinkie thinks
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I'm just not the violent type... I care a lot about other people, yes that's true and that's because I know what it feels like to reach out for help and be pushed away or even not reach out and be pushed away anyway.
I'm scrimping and saving for better things because I NEED these better things.. Like the washing machine.. I can't have clean clothes unless I have a washing machine and now I might be moving into yet another new flat anyway. Sigh. Stuff went wrong last night too, but atm... I'm not in the right state to talk about it here.. Especially considering people I know are on here..
Thanks, I'm glad you'd like to know me :) it's not very often that happens. I try to be a good person, I try to better myself everyday.. I was doing really, really well until now... Everything's gone backwards and I'm tumbling further down... God, I wish I could just turn to my blade again :(
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
on the practical front, isnt there some kind of grant from the jobcentre for one offs like a washing machine?
And about SIing... you can hold on a bit longer hunny... I really think you need to talk to a professional about this though, you've had a bad experience and they need to acknowledge that and give you some extra support.
Imagine what you would advise if it was someone else...
take care xxxx
beth
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
Yeah, there is and I applied for £2030 odd and they only gave me £199.97 of it. So yeah. Couldn't get the washing machine and could only just afford a table, hoover and lots of cleaning products. Oh, and a fouton as a spare bed.
My Mum's offered to buy me a washing machine (Birth Mum, Adoptive Mother wouldn't even give me a saucepan!) But me being me, doesn't like accepting tings from others, but because this is one thing I desperately need, I agreed but can't see her for ages yet :(
There are many other things I need to get but can't. Even food is sometimes a struggle, but I cope. My bf offers me money all the time, but I refuse because I want to do this myself. I'm so stubborn like that but I can't help it, I feel like a charity case if I accept and that's nto what I am.
I just wish it was easier than this. Everyone else seems to be happy to be on benefits and bumming around. I'm NOT.
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
Dont feel bad about accepting things off people if they really want to help... although I know how it feels to just want to provide for yourself and struggle to.
Also please dont take this the wrong way but... a fouton? why do you need a spare bed?.. Are you sure ur not setting ur standards too high? I dunno... i'm 24 and have always rented rooms that come with furniture but have never been able to afford my own flat or spare beds and stuff. Sorry dont mean that to sound wrong...
Also is there somewhere that does cheap second hand furniture and stuff near you?
And have you spoken to anyone about how bad youve been feeling since the fire yet? Its important that you get the suppoert you need... *hug*
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I can't help but feel bad, but with my Birth Mum, I understand that she's not had the chance to soend money on me and time with me for 16 years so now she's taking all the chances she can to spoil me and while I love it, I'm not used to it so I don't know how to react, if that makes sense.
Again, the fouton is about other people. I bought it so that I had another comfortable seat to sit on and so that if anyone stayed over, I'd have that spare bed for them.. I hate making people sleep on the floor, even though I'd quite happily give my bed up for them. I also bought it in preparation for my Birthday get together and house warming party, so... I needed the extra seating and it was a gorgeous fouton that was cheap.
There is a cheap furniture stor near me, but they don't have any of the things I need! :(
I haven't spoken to anyone about the fire yet, no, but I told a friend what happened the other night and she was kind to me about it and made me laugh lots, so I think I'm feeling a little better. I just wish I didn't have to stay in that damned flat alone. Last night was my first night alone there and I didn't sleep til about 3 and had to be up at 6, so my eyes stung like crazy in the shower :(
Thanks for the support
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
Ah that makes more sense... you seem to think about other people a lot, remember to think of yourself too... if it helps, imagine what you'd say to yourself if you were someone else... (does that make sense?!)
Still think it'd be good if you talk to a professional about the fire - whoever gives you treatment/support really needs to know how ur feeling
Beth xxx :)
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
I do think about other people more than I do myself. I'm number infinity on my list of importance. I do try to imagine what I'd say to myself if I were someone else, but I can't help but go back to thinking 'but I'm not someone else, I'm myself...
So it's quite awkward. I'm going to see what I can do about talking to a professional, it's still 2-3 weeks until I see my counselor.. I don't know though, we'll see.. I've been on a residential all weekend, had fun but did my back in really badly when I fell over on the assault course because I tripped over a pole because I forget how big the shoes I was wearing are! And my ED's just.. Ugh.
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
