Hey,
First - well done for going so long without self harm, that's a really brilliant achievement and you should be so proud of yourself! It's good that you realise you don't want to break it, try to keep holding onto that. I'm sorry things are so bad right now, though. Do you know what's triggered this? I understand feeling unwanted and like no-one cares, but the thing is, most of that is probably coming from you - it's easy to think that no-one cares about you when you're low, when you feel bad about yourself. It doesn't mean it's true, though. I'm sure your boyfriend cares about you and wants to be with you, or he wouldn't be. Could you talk to him about how you're feeling? Let him know that you need some reassurance, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be feeling like you're alone in this.
You can get through this without hurting yourself. What's helped you for the past year, what do you think would help you now? Writing, talking, finding ways to keep distracted. Just keep trying. This bad patch will pass, and you'll be glad that you found healthy ways to deal with it. I do understand that you don't want to get any help with this, since you've managed before on your own - that's exactly the attitude I take. But I'm starting to realise that coping on my own all the time probably isn't the best idea, it just makes things harder, and makes me feel so alone, even when there are people who would be willing to help. Do you think you could reach out to someone? It might be a good idea to see your doctor, but if you really aren't comfortable with that, you don't have to. But how about your boyfriend, family, friends? You don't have to do it on your own.
Take care of yourself hun, be safe. We're all here for you, and you can always PM me if you need to talk or anything. I hope you're feeling better soon xo
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