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Triggering (SI) - 16 months wasted
I havent self harmed in 16 months, mainly becasue i have finally found the support and help and understanding that i needed, my partner. I have been with him for over 2 years now and in that time hes shown me what life is like on the outside of my little bubble. He understands me, gets it when im feeling down and just sits with me holding me and putting up with my tears, my shouting my mental moments. days when i wont leave the house etc. Instead of getting angry.
But for the first time in these 16 months, i cut, i feel awful, i cant explain why nothings different, i just had this too strong a feeling of despare and i knew if i didnt do it i wouldnt be breathing in the morning, so really i guess it was a educated choice, do this or end up in a worse state. But it doesnt make it any better it doesnt make it right or acceptable.
Im disgusted with myself. i dont know what to do its like a chain reaction i started and now i cant stop and i have noticed that there deeper, longer and worse than last time, in more dangerous places where i know i can do some damage, its like im more serious about it. before i was doing it so that i could breath so that i could continue to get by each day with a smile on my face, so that other people didnt have to know anything was wrong, just to get by.
Now im doing it becasue i want the pain, i want to die. it just hit me full in the face one day and i suddenly realised im drowning and theres no way out, before i would never feel this bad i would do it to survive. I just dont understand nothing has changed in my life everything is still the same, im just not ok.
I just picked up that blade and sliced into my arm like nothing mattered like i had just given up after so long, and now all i can see is these new scars over the old ones, and i want more, im hungry for more. every minute is spent craving another.
My friends know somethings up, there the ones that helped me stop last time im lucky there very supportive, but i know they wont mention it becasue none of them have the energy left to fight this problem all over again, and i cant blame them i was a nightmare. This time i have to deal with it on my own. My partner saw and i closed up, i've always been as open as i can about this he understands im not going to sit there and have a full blown conversation with him about it but he always makes it clear that hes there if i need him.
But this time i saw the shock and disgust in his eyes, he looked like he was going to be sick, i hid them and shrugged it off but hes not going to be able to deal with this himself when i first met him i was recovering and he has never seen any serious fresh cuts before.
Basically im on my own and i have to sort this out myself before i get back into habbit. But i have no idea what to do. I've seeked therapy before and that made things worse. i just cant think of another option.
Im so sorry for ranting but the sooner i get this off my chest the better i feel.
thankyou x
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