You would think that after being threatened with going to adolescent partial hospitalization program from my therapist, that I would STOP cutting!
But I CAN'T STOP. I just can't! I'm trying SO hard! I do everything i can- one evening, i read a 300 page book, and still needed to cut, i went through so many distractions, and I still had to cut. It was a "must." But i distracted myself for HOURS. What is wrong with me? I am feeling like major crap now and I don't know what i'm going to do. I am going to probably end up in partial hospitalization, but I think I NEED it. I cannot do this, i don't know why. Why am i so WEAK? I can't figure myself out. I don't want to do partial but maybe i just need a jump start on this recovery. That's how it was with my eating disorder...i went to a program 3 nights a week for group therapy and dinner and now i find that i'm eating alright and bracing all of this ok. Maybe that's how it is with my cutting... but my therapist said that if i don't stop after hearing i'd go to partial, then that's because i want to be in the hospital...i'm just sick and tired of not getting enough treatment. For my eating disorder, i was supposed to go to a residential program, but instead we can't afford it and end up going somewhere 3 nights a week. But i think i need to go somewhere for my cutting, maybe it'll help...
I find that i flip flop between the two though. In order to not cut, I have to eat very little. In order to eat healthy/normally, I have to cut. And those are very messed up rules.
I think you know that it isn't so easy as just stopping cutting for most people. You are in no way weak. Well done for trying as hard as you have, but maybe you do need some help if you are finding that you can't stop on your own. If you have tried everything you know how to do and still can't stop, maybe talk to your parents about your options regarding treatment?
I went to treatment and it helped a lot.
You deserve to have a happy, full life without having to worry about cutting or not. And I think that whatever it takes to get that to happen is worth it.
It seems like you've done everything you can, and it's just not enough for you to feel "ok" again. It makes sense that you would want better treatment options. There's nothing to be ashamed of, because you simply need more help than what you've been getting. I know it's hard, but keep fighting the urges with distractions or whatever works for you. Even if you do end up cutting, keep trying to reduce/stop/delay it.
How'd your therapy appointment go?
Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside "Ups and Downs" ~ Kendall Payne
i dont think your weak at all
your ill and just need some help along the way
maybe hospitalization would be a good way of getting kick started into getting your life back - surely it cant hurt??
and maybe you wouldnt need to stay long and so you wouldnt be too dependant
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
Well my therapist isn't going to continue to see me if i do partial...because i am not willing enough to do what she says...its a really complicated story actually... i'm terrified of giving up what i use to cut myself with. I told her i was not ready quite yet and she is not okay with that. Because i am continuing to harm myself.
well i guess its just because she doesnt want you to still feel the need to hamr yourself
i know quitting is hard but im sure you have the strength to try
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
Everybody who loves you wants you to stop hurting yourself. They do not understand that that is a choice that you and you alone can make. They can do all the want and it is still up to you. If you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Definitely do whatever it takes to get yourself ready. And don't use not being ready as an excuse to not stop (not saying that you are doing this)
Really, it is all up to you. What do you want for yourself and how much work are you willing to do to get there?
Just do what you need to do and please do what you can to take care of yourself.
