It is four thirty. I am five years old. Daddy had to come and pick me up in the end. My teacher told him I had fainted for no reason at school. Daddy asked me if I felt better and I told him that I had never felt bad. He took me to Granny’s house and I am now in the back of her car. We are driving to see a doctor, I asked why I couldn’t see the doctor who is looking after Mummy but Granny says that they aren’t the right kind of doctors at the hospital. I’m not too scared about doctors, even though Mummy is not well a doctor can make her normal again. This doctor is going to talk to me about why I fell over today. I don’t want to tell him about visiting my brother or sister in heaven, I didn’t see them anyway. I don’t think it works like that, you are either dead or alive, not half and half.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
It is eight fifty-one. I am nine years old. I am in the car just about to park outside school. Dad drove me this morning, not sure why. I am so excited, I have a friend today. All of the weekend I was trying to be calm and thinking about what sort of things people who are friends do. I climb out of the car and grab my bag on the way out, my heart skips a little, Sam is standing by the gate. He’s waiting for me?
I wave goodbye to Dad and walk towards the school gate, I keep my eyes fixed on the pavement, watching the cracks pass me by.
“Hey.” My head lifts slowly and meets Sam’s face, he is smiling madly. “hi.” I whisper back. “D’you want to sit with me today?” he asks and I nod, I wonder where Jordan, the boy he normally with has gone today, this doesn’t seem to worry him. I don’t ask about his friend. We walk into class together and I feel part of something for once. Sam.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
It is eleven fifteen. I am thirteen years old. I am fed up of this. I am going to have to talk to Sam. I need to. I have been thinking about him way too much recently. I mean I am trying so hard to be better, maybe he’ll notice. I know I haven’t talked to him for years. Well not properly for about 2 years but still. I’m thin now, even thinner than the girls he hangs around with so maybe I’m good enough now? I walk out of the girls common room, almost walk into Christina, she is one of the girls I’ve seen around Sam recently, I think he only likes her because she is pretty. I swallow my fear and turn back, “Hey, Christina?” she turns back to me, looking completely confused. She looks at the floor, assuming she has dropped something. “Um, h-have you seen Sam?” I say, stuttering slightly. She looks even more confused, if this is possible.
“He’s on the field.” She replies and stalks off, I draw myself taller and walk toward the field. I try not to think about what I am going to do when I get there. At exactly eleven eighteen I see the field, I scan the lines of people for him. I find him, he stands bolt upright, his new gangly tallness hasn’t taken away his attractive nature. He runs one hand through his short hair and talks to the girl standing in front of him. She is called Tia. I just sort of, go for it. I walk right up the field to him and tap his shoulder. Sam turns around, he looks confused but, maybe I am imagining this, a little happy to see me.
“Jocelyn?”
“Heya Sam, can I talk with you for a minute?” I am amazed at the fact I didn’t stutter, my confidence. I think it’s the trance and dizziness not eating properly gives you, I feel light and dreamlike. He gives me a wonderful smile.
“Sure. Tia, one minute kay?” He replies and walks a few paces away with me, he looks expectant.
“So,” he begins, “You okay?”
I look at my feet and then drag my eyes upwards. “Yeah.” I smile weakly, “I’m good actually. I wanted to talk to you about something though.”
Sam nods and again waits for me to continue. I swallow.
“Sam. I am in love with you.” I say and hold my breath, my part is done.
He frowns and looks at me with a worried expression. He laughs a little, “No, Joz, you don’t.”
I blush deeply. “I do.” I say, making the hole I have dug deeper and deeper.
“I think you’re confused. I mean we haven’t spoken for like two years? I don’t even know you anymore.”
I resist telling him the truth, that I still know him. That I watched him day to day. That I dream of him. I just keep quiet.
“Look, I don’t know quite what you were expecting me to say. We were friends in primary school, that’s all. I’m really sorry Joz. I know you’re in a bad place right now, what with the depression and the anorexia.”
“What?” I say, taken aback entirely. “I mean I didn’t expect you to do anything, just for you to know and I’m not anorexic or depressed.”
Sam looks me up and down and I burn slightly. Anorexic? He smiles encouragingly.
“Joz. What’s your BMI? And what are those bandages for?”
My legs tighten and before I know it I’m running as fast as I can in the opposite direction, tears streaming down my face.
Needless to say, he didn’t follow me. My BMI’s [x] I weigh [x] pounds and the bandages are to stop me from getting more blood on my clothes.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
It is one forty-two. I am sixteen years old. I am supposed to be going to his house tonight. I don’t think that I can do that. It scares me so much, I don’t know him, or any of the numbers in his house. I don’t know how many letters are in his middle name, if I can make his name safe. I don’t know how many doors there are. I don’t know if I can go from room to room using steps which are multiples of five. I rub my hands together, they twist uncomfortably. I’m going to have to ask him how many doors there are. I can’t do this. It’s not safe.
I want to hurt myself. That will make it safe again. As I am considering this I notice Sam is standing close by, leaning on the side of the West block, where English is taught. He’s looking at me. I hold myself tight and try to stop whatever oddity I must have been doing. He’s still staring at me. I catch his eye by accident as I look up to check again and he smiles at me. This is not allowed, Sam is safe. He can’t smile at me. I feel sick and dizzy. I count to 5 over and over and over. I close my eyes and after a few moments, at a guess 5.6 seconds. I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s David.
“Let’s talk.” He says. I nod weakly and let him lead me to the wooden bench nearby. “Jocelyn. I shouldn’t be with you.” He continues, my head drops. I had been waiting for this, he knows about the cutting, I am not safe anymore. I have done everything wrong.
“but I have to be.”
I look back at him. I am so confused, my head hurts. I am so bad, so wrong. Sam, David. Help.
“I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time.”
I am hiding, I can’t even count, nothing is right. Help me. Please make it stop.
“I think I am in love with you.”
My head feels as if it is about to burst. I am trying to breathe. If I don’t do something I am going to die. My heart is going crazy, I can’t breathe. I’m hyperventilating, but I can’t change it. Oh my God, I am going to die.
I bolt. My legs hit the tarmac, I don’t listen to David calling out my name, I run straight into the girls toilet. I sink to my knees, school skirt flooding around my ankles. I take my mobile out of my pocket. I cut. 10 times. I can breathe again. At first I panic when the blood wont stop, then I remember what David said, ‘love’?
Last edited by squirrelspit : 16-08-2009 at 12:06 AM.
Reason: removed tip sharing.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
Would definitely buy it if you publish it - do it!! It's an amazing story, how dare you go on holiday and leave us hanging?! Joking, hope you have a nice time! He he xXx
