Hi there,
It sounds like you have a lot of very intense thoughts and feelings going on for you right now which must be very hard to deal with. Because this is a long reply I am going to break it down and look at one bit at a time.
Angry.Pissed Off.Insane.Depressed.Pathetic.Annoyed.Anxious.Guil ty.Crazy.Sad.
Hateful.Despicable.Unworthy.Lost.Confused.Hurt.Psy chotic.Destructive.Usless.
Those words and the other statements you made about yourself seem to be very negative, can you possibly think of just one positive statement about yourself even something as simple as 'I read well' or 'I have nice eyes' and write as many of those statements out as you can to keep with you to reassure yourself when these negative thoughts surface.
I need a reason. Give me a reason to live. Because right now i am not living i am merely existing.
Everyone's reasons for living are highly personal and individual to them so I can't say what will and won't give you reasons to live. Some things that other people find helpful to consider when feeling suicidal though are:
-Family and friends distress if you were gone.
-The fact that if things have gotten to this stage of rock bottom the only way to go is up.
-Things are at their worst now, so what harm can it possibly do to try and reach out for help and open up about how bad things are? It can't make things worse, and there is a possiblity it will make things better.
-Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation; your life will never and has never always been like this, there will be at least a few happy moments, laughs, chats with friends, positive experiences that you will miss out on if you take your own life now. Plus life is ever changing so there is no way of knowing that your future will be negative and painful.
And its a pitiful existance at that. I have depression and borerline personality disorder. I'm not well enoigh to work. I was late sending of a sick note because like the selfish self centered bitch i am i tried to OD. Correction did OD. And nearly died.
Enduring mental health issues such as depression and BPD can be extremely hard to handle and live with and it is completely understandable that you are feeling negative about these issues, especially as both of those conditions carry with them a tendency to creative negative thoughts and feelings in the sufferer. However with the right treatment (which can unfortunately take a while to find) both of those conditions are maneagable, and many people who suffer from them go on to lead rich, happy and fulfilling lives.
I'm sorry to hear that you felt badly enough to take an overdose. Taking an overdose is self centered but not in the negative sense that you are implying; it is when the focus of internalised pain has become too much to stand, so much so that it blocks out thoughts, feelings and responsibilities connected with the outside world and other people. That isn't selfish, that is being overwhelmed, and that is a key difference.
About a week ago i was grateful for the fact i'm still here, noow i regret it. Aside from the fact i should never have been born, i should have died. They should have let me die. But they didn't and i'm still here.
Can you think back to how you felt and what thoughts were going through your mind when you felt grateful to still be here? If you can, maybe try writing these down to keep with you and/or when the negative 'I shouldn't be here' type thoughts resurface, counter it with a positive 'well last week I felt that...' type statement. Also maybe think about the reasons that people did save your life and not let you die, these might include
-The belief that all life is important and worth preserving.
-They realised that your overdose was not a logical life decision but a symptom of mental health issues which are resolvable over time.
Which brings me back to work. Cos of all that shit they've decided to put me down as a "leaver" so i now apparently no lonbger work for fucking William Hill. And they don't have to fucking pay me sick pay.
How very fucking convinient you complete fucking bastards.
If you were trying to ruin my life CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS you've succeeded. have a fucking medal. I now have no money. And bacause you're claiming i "left" i won't beentitled to any fucking benefits either. So now i can't afford my rent. And now i can't afford to live.
Disability living allowance can be a place where you can turn to get the money to live on while your mental health issues make it too difficult for you to work-maybe try looking into this.
Take care
Katy.
All i ever do is fuck up.
