The past 24 hours have been a nightmare, and all i want to do is curl into a ball and forget everything.
Last night, a good friend of mine from here was very unsafe/suicidal, for the first time in my life i ended up phoning the emergency services and asking for the police. Because i only had her surname/mobile number/rough area of where she lived, it was difficult for them to track her down - which meant i recieved 3 more phonecalls from them asking for more details/confirmation of details.
This is made my anxiety go sky high and within 3 hours i'd taken god knows how many diazepam/Temazepam to calm me down because i was in such a state, i was worried about my friend, but i was also anxious about the constant phonecalls from the police - one of the ladies was really abrupt/rude as it took me a while to get my words out as i was having a panic attack and i could hear the frustration in her voice and it just upset me.
My friend is OK, but it made me realise i wouldn't want to put any of my friends in that situation again, so i won't mention my plans from now on.
I came on today to find a PM from facebook telling me some very shocking news about an internet friend.
I've known this person - Emily - since she had her first child Madison when she was in her teenage years. She had a premature baby boy born at i think 30 weeks or so, i've followed her for years, left comments and prayed for them when i don't even necessarily believe in god..
I followed her blog (which has now been taken down by the authorities but i will explain why in a minute) on a daily basis, as her third child - who is 3 - was born at 24 weeks. Emily herself went into premature labour at just under 23 weeks but the law states they can't save a baby under 24 weeks (it's stupid and i don't agree in it) so emily was drugged up to stop dilation and was then induced into labour at 24 weeks.
Dakota came into the world very poorly. She was very very tiny, and it was touch and go for many months to whether or not she would live. She developed lots and lots of problems over the years, hearing/speech difficulties, digestive problems (so she had to have a feeding tube), growth problems. But she was a happy child.
I read her blog daily, and i watched Dakota go from strength to strength. Emily was a fantastic mother, and devoted her time to her children. She was smart, intelligent, and very articulate. As far as myself (and many of my friends who also read her) knew - she was a fantastic mother.
Suddenly she went from going from strength to strength with her growth hormone treatment, sign language, speech, walking/toddling, to becoming very poorly with diarrohea/vomiting and losing weight.
She went back into ICU (intensive care unit) where lots of tests were run. Poor Dakota had litrali (no exageration) hundreds of kids plasters all over her arms/legs/tummy/body because they were finding it hard to find veins to put tubes into to take blood and keep her hydrated. Eventually they managed to find 2 veins in her neck where tubes were put in.
Despite numerous tests being taken, and treating her for numerous infections, she continued to stay the same, and became very poorly.
Out of pure suspicion the doctors & nurses decided to put CCTV in the ICU room that Dakota was in.
Here, they caught Emily smearing Dakotas on feces onto the tubes which led to her blood stream - this seemed to explain the bacteria in her blood which could only come from feces.
She was arrested straight away and openly admitted to doing this 3 times.
As far as we (my friends and i) know from the news reports, she's on bail ($100,000 bail), is on tag, and is not allowed anywhere near her children. She is being charged with felony, because Dakota was in hospital and under doctors/nurses supervision. If Emily had been found doing this at home she would have been charged with attempted murder.
Either way she could face life imprisonment.
http://www.statesman.com/search/cont...ube_Feces.html
http://www.kvue.com/video/index.html?nvid=367999
http://www.kvue.com/video/index.html?nvid=368103
Either way - this has come to a huge shock to me, and i am still in disbelief over it. They're claiming that Emily has some sort of mental health problem whereby she misses the attention she recieves when Dakota is well. What they mentioned isn't actually a mental health problem (i looked it up) - it's actually more a personality problem which develops over time.
To others this is nothing, but to me i really felt for those children and Emily/her husband Raff (who had no idea what Emily was doing). The poor family are all in shock because Emily was the most caring mother i've ever known. She lives in the US but we often spoke and i admired her for bringing up 3 children, being the same age as myself, and studying nursing all at the same time.
I'm just...in total shock. Her blog has been shut down by authorities, and her facebook has been deleted. I'm at a loss for words as to how to describe how i'm feeling. I feel let down, like i got sucked in, when all along Dakota could have (and will be) a healthy happy child, and Emily was making her poorly for her own selfish reasons.
To know someone for over 6 years online, and for this to happen, just gives me such a mix of emotions...upset, anger, frustration, disgust.
I felt it fishy, and i said so to a friend, that Dakota could come so far then become so incredibly ill suddenly. I should have told someone that something wasn't right but it wasn't my place, Dakota was premature and it wasn't out of the ordinary for babies that premature to become poorly on occasion. I just feel like i let Dakota down somehow when i've never even met her.
*Sigh* Everything happens at once. I would do anything for my daughter to be here right now, and then i read about someone i trust litrali killing her child who was born at the same time my daughter was.
I know no one will read this, but it's playing on my mind a lot right now, and i'm very upset about it. To think if they hadn't put the CCTV into that room..Dakota could have died. I just can't fathom how any mother can do that.
Heh. Always happens to me.
I feel very low, very sad, very exhausted both emotionally/mentally, and i just feel like the only answer to getting some release is cutting. I'm just so tired - i just want to sleep for months on end, hibernate, and not be interupted.
I feel like everything inside me has died but my body is living.
Plus i'm wondering why i was given long lasting seroquel, and now i'm on normal releasing ones? How can that suddenly change? I need to ask my GP tomorrow.
Thankyou all for your kind words (And a big thanks to Aimee for her beautiful teddy bears she sent me through the post - they're amazing, and smell of Aimee <3) but i really don't deserve them. I was bullied badly on a website 2 years ago for being the way i am on here, and it feels weird to be respected for being so open and opinionated, because they hated me for it - so much so i nearly had to involve the police for harrassment as they followed me everywhere i went on the internet, calling me a fat ugly bitch, how i should go slit my wrists, how i should die. And they're right. I shouldn't be here should i? I'm just a pain and in everyones way.
Bleurgh this is huge. Sorry.
I'll shut up now.
x
