okay so I couldn't find a better title for this, but here is my problem:
I have been babysitting for a wonderful 8-year-old girl for the past few months. I really love her to pieces and I don't want to lie to her or tell her stories, but anyway.
a few weeks ago she pulled up my sleeve accidentally and saw all my scars. she kept wanting to pull the sleeve up again to see them more closely, but I told her no.
she has also been asking about my bandages, which reach up to my knuckles because I have been cutting on my hands, so I can't cover them really well.
the thing is that I told her I fell into a thornbush, which she believed, but I am cutting myself quite badly at the moment and I know I will not be able to stop just like that, so she will probably see bandages on my arms for a long time.
my question is: how could I best explain that to her without hurting her? she is really too young to hear the truth in my opinion, but I know that she won't believe the thornbush-excuse for much longer.
is there anything I could say to her that would satisfy her?
she is really great about all of the scars and I asked her whether they scared her and she said no and that she didn't mind me having them.
has anyone ever been in a similar situation and could share their experiences with me? I would be really grateful.
When I was training for my Diploma I had a child ask me what was on my arm. I told him that I fell over when I was younger. It was easier to make an excuse though because he was only 3. A slightly older child asked in a school I worked at and I told him that I had been poorly and it had made my arms sore.
Children are naturally curious and will ask questions but the likelihood is that she will get used to seeing you with scars/bandages and stop asking about them. She may have taken the excuse you gave and never ask about it again - but of course it depends on the child.
Do her parents know about your self harm? Could they maybe reinforce what you have said so that she doesn't feel the need to ask again?
the thing with her is that I know she won't stop asking. she is very curious and intelligent and even though she doesn't mind me having them, she won't stop caring for them either. she always asks whether they skill hurt or what they are looking like now. but she will probably start seeing them as a part of me.
I was just thinking of maybe telling her that I will someday tell her, but not today and that there might be new bandages for quite a while and leave it at that.
she is just too old to believe the bush-excuse forever, that's the thing. no matter if her mom reassures her or not.
and yes, her mom knows. she is really great about everything; she knows that I'm in therapy and is actually encouraging me to keep doing it and get better.
Hmm, I also think she's is too young to know the truth. Personally.. anyone who is younger than me..15 years old (unless a self-harmer).. I wouldn't tell the truth to about scars/cuts. Hmm, I'm not sure what you should say to her, cos' personally I would tell them to never mind or something. Sorry I'm not very helpful. *hugs* xo.
Its probably not a good idea to say "I'll tell you one day but not now" because she will keep pestering you and won't just leave it. It makes it seem like a big deal and that's not what you want.
It's not so much about brushing her off as it is choosing your words carefully.
Maybe do what I did - tell her you are poorly and it's made your arms hurt that's why you have to wear bandages and have scars. If she asks whats wrong with you, make something up or tell her it's a grown up illness. Reassure her that you are ok though and that she won't get it as well.
Technically you aren't making up excuses that could run out.
If she keeps asking things that make you uncomfortable just distract her. She may be intelligent but she is still a child. Give her something fun to do or take her out somewhere...eventually she will leave it alone.
Since the mom knows, can you talk to her about the problem and see what she thinks the best explanation would be for her? The mom would probably know what kind of explanation would satisfy her.
I've noticed that most children don't require the whole truth to be satisfied (errr unless they were me haha). I think it's generally finding the littlest amount of information that you can give to satisfy her.
Thank you for all of your help and support. I will no longer be coming to RYL. Semi-explanation will be inside my profile.
I really wouldn't advise telling her the truth, because it sounds as though she really cares for you and to find out you are hurting yourself might really upset and confuse her.
If I was you and she asked I would probably just say something like "I'm just really clumsy! Like the other day I was running up the stairs and I fell and I had a huge bruise on my knee, aren't I silly? I bet you are clumsy sometimes too, aren't you?" and you know... just divert the subject really, make a light joke of it.
If she asks specifically about each mark, make up a silly clumsy story and make her giggle about it.
That's what I'd do anyway.
Or say it makes them hurt if you talk about it... xD
"How'd you get that cut?"
"OUCH! Don't talk about it, when you talk about it it makes it sore, so you have to be quiet about them to make them stop hurting and get better"
Or maybe that is a really silly idea... =p
Anyways good luck. =]
~Beauty without intellence, is a materpiece painted on a napkin.~
I actually did try and explain it to her like, you know how you sometimes scratch your knees? that's the same.
I was not planning on telling her the actual truth, just that I was sometimes not feeling so well and then the scars come, just like she was not feeling well when her tummy hurts. something like that.
I think I'll just leave it at that, and if she doesn't stop asking, I will talk to her mom about it and ask her what to do.
but you guys were really helpful and I was able to think it through again from a different point of view, so thanks a lot!
i work in a brownie pack, and have siilar problems during summer, but at the minute i have a long sleeved unform top to wear! (just gets really hot in summer!!!)
they say they have no claim to know what's right...
- Dar Williams, mercy of the fallen -
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OH SURE! blame the bat... what the heck - we're easy targets!
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'is 'alright' special timelord speak for 'really not alright at all'?'
Ive got the same issue with the kids I babysit.. there are 2 & 4 though so quite a bit younger.
All i have to say is "My kitty was mad at me cuz i sqeezed her too tight" .. then they forget about it and the same anwser will work the next time so I guess I am lucky in that sense.
I hope your situation works out ok!
"They say time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
Children are not stupid. At any age. So you need to be careful how far you stray from the truth when giving explanations to a child no matter how old they are. Although your explanation needs to be age appropriate.
My explanation to children about my scars is this: 'when I am unhappy a mark appears, but when I am happy the mark dissapears. ie, in adult terms: When I cut it causes new/more scars but when things arent too bad im not self harming as much so im not adding more scars and the ones I do have start to fade.
May I stress though the importance of keeping scars covered when in a professional role with a child such as childminding, therapy etc. I have trained as a counsellor and worked with children including self harming children and it has always been imperative that I dress as appropriately as possible.
Also if youre with children you must think about stopping self harming on your hands for the childs sake. No-one is asking you to stop self harming altogether at all but you really need to think why you are choosing to cut in such open/non private/hard to cover up areas when with children
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
thanks a lot for your response, fragile as glass.
I have actually been thinking about telling the kid an excuse like this (like with the marks appearing/disappearing) but I never quite knew how to exactly put it, so this really helps a lot.
I usually keep my arms covered at all times, especially when with children. I would never show them on purpose. the thing is though that children just touch you and hug you and want to hold your hand or your arm, and some are really alert and feel the bandage through the shirt. that's when it gets difficult with the explanations.
and I don't want to keep them at distance just because of that, because it is really fun goofing around with them.
the reason I have been cutting my hands is because I don't cut as deep there, whereas I have been cutting a bit too deep on my arms lately. so I was actually trying to minimize damage.
I will also buy myself arm-warmers that go up to the knuckles and just leave a hole for my thumb so that my scars will be covered when I am with children.
It is a very difficult position to be in. I hope you work things out with the children. Its hard to suggest anything else without sounding like im condoning self harm or judging you which is not my place to do so.
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
