Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Punishment & damaging me *Graphic*

discovery_journey · 18-05-2009, 11:02 PM

I'm not sure I should post this here or in SI forum, but it's related to SA/r*pe/SI

God, I really need to just get this out safely and say what's going on for me right now...

I was hurt when I was a kid and this guy tried to force me into having sex when I was 24... so there's history...

anyway... i met a guy on the psych ward... we're both discharged now... we've been seeing each other... the other weekend we ended up having sex.

It was all wrong. I was taken back to when I was 24 and fighting to get the man off me. I felt him inside me and I wanted to be sick. I didn't get any pleasure out of it (may be that's the meds effect).

Now I want to punish myself. I want to hurt myself. I am a self harmer and have been cutting/burning and hitting for ten years... so it's nothing new.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : graphic, triggering and you'll think I'm sick

I know that this is wrong to hurt myself in such a way. But I really feel I need it and I deserve to be punished.

I can't talk to my parents about it. They are old and wouldn't understand. I'm stuck, in France, with flashbacks and horrible feelings and thoughts, and I don't know what to do.

I feel like I am sick and twisted...

I'm sorry for posting this.

bobbiwibble · 19-05-2009, 12:07 AM

youre not sick to post that. i have hurt that area before, and i think to many SA victims it feels like the obvious place to punish.. i'm sorry i'm not in a good state of mind myself right now so i can't offer much help... just remember - it was not him.
it may be something that you regret, but it was a choice, and just about every single person does stuff with guys and then regrets it later for whatever reason. you still had the power - you could have stopped it if you had got to that point... just remember that :) he would have stopped and that might not make you feel better, seeing as you didn't stop it, but it means that the bad thing hasnt happened again.
i would recommend talking to him about this. the fact that he was in the psyche ward with you shows that he has some understanding about mental disorders, and even if it upsets him or something, it is better than you ending up resenting him and hating yourself..
i will try to offer some other advice when i am in a fit state to think about this. i just wanted you to know i'd read it, as not many people seem to be online tonight :)

and i think most of the A/B threads relate to self-harm or suicide in some way, so don't worry about it... post here as much as you like :) I even post stuff that isnt related to SA sometimes, because this is where I spend most of my time.

posting helps, remember.. so post as much as you like if it distracts you or helps you get it out.

are you still getting help? shrink/ counsellor etc.. you should talk about this with him/ her if you do.

much love, sorry i'm a bit crap atm
PM me any time if you need to talk
xxxxxxxxxxxxxbobbi

Popple · 19-05-2009, 08:16 AM

I am so sorry you had to go through that and I don't think you are sick for hurting yourself in that way you are certainely not the only person to have done it but you do not deserve this. None of this is your fault and you don't need punishing. I know it is hard to believe and it takes time to get rid of those feelings but you shouldn't have to cope with this on your own.

Don't worry about how you reacted to sex it is normal when you have been through something like that but it can change and anyone who cares about you will understand if you do not want to have sex, you are in control of that.

Have you ever spoke to anyone about what happened? Sometimes when you haven't dealt with something properly it keeps coming back up but it doesn't have to be like that forever and you can move on with your life.

You might want to look here for tips on how to deal with flashbacks they don't always work straight away but with practice they can be really helpful. If it helps you to post then do it no one here is going to judge you because none of this is your fault.

Take care
x

shadow-light · 19-05-2009, 10:37 AM

I agree with everything that's been said already.

harming that area is a lot more common than you'd think... though I have to say, it's a very sensitive area, very easy to damage, so if possible please try to resist the urge to do it there (I know that's easier said than done)

the way you reacted to sex is fairly normal for someone who's been through anyform of sexual abuse or rape... that area has been viloated before, and part of your mind is bound to now associate that act with the violation... it will take time, but slowly your mind will stop connecting the 2, and sex will become just sex again. untill then though, you need to try to take it slowly, and talk to people, making sure you trust a person before sex occurs and making sure that they undestand at least some of your difficulties around the area

discovery_journey · 19-05-2009, 10:59 PM

thanks for your replies and support....

I have been in services for 10 years. I've spent a lot of time in hospital including a one year inpatient stay at a specialist unit for people who self harm where I recieved intensive psychotherapy.

I am pretty sure I talked about what has happened to me to the therapist there but my memory has blocked out virtually all of that period. I was very ill.

After I got discharged from that unit I started having weekly therapy sessions. That continued for 3.5 years. A male therapist though. It took me 3 years before I could tell him what had happened and when I did let him know it was via email. He said that it would be better for me to talk to a female T about what had happened. Then a year ago I stopped seeing my therapist because he felt we'd gone as far as we could go, and my psych thought I should stop therapy too.

My current psych is off sick. I got discharged from hosp three weeks ago. I was an inpatient for three months; depression/psychosis/self harm

I have an appt to see my psych next in July.

I see my cpn when I get back from France (am visiting my parents who live here) which will be in two weeks time.

There's a possiblity that I may go to a one day a week Therapeutic Community. But I don't think it's an appropriate forum to talk through issues associated with r*pe and SA.

I am wittering on. Sorry. I just need to get this out.

I feel so disgusting. I feel like I need punishing...

I want to be home in the UK so I can self harm and hurt myself in the way I want to.

But I don't have any blades and I'm in the middle of rural France with no shops for miles.

Aaargh! Am going nuts.

I have thought about phoning my GP (he knows about my past) from here... but it's trying to get away from my Mum and Dad and get some privacy. But then I think... what the hell can my GP do when I am in France and he's back in the UK. He'd probably think I was nuts phoning him. Aaarggh..

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND