It seems to be my response to everything these days,I do not know what i'm thinking and I do not know what i'm feeling anymore.
I've just established that this is all my fault. This is all my fault because i'm the one all of this is concerning. It's not concerning anyone apart from me, so it's my fault. I'm the one that's in control of my mind and emotions and so i'm the one responsible for everything messing up. It could be no one else's fault. It's mine. It's my fault i'm like this. I made myself like this.
I feel alone. Speaking to people online is the only thing that I have but sometimes I feel as though it's not enough. I feel like im trapped within my own mind and mood changes.
I got stressed and upset at school last week, then found out that my car had been damaged. I went mad, basically. Just with myself though, hitting myself off everything. I went into the corridor, so no one was there. When I was out, the teacher said that "I don't need a teacher, I need a nurse. I need some sort of mental help". In a derogatory way, naturally. I absolutely flipped then, confirming her beliefs. I just wanted to self-destruct.
I do need mental help.
I'm waiting to see CAMHS again, hopefully (though this will take months, as it did last time). My form teacher (who has been very kind) wrote back to them reporting my 'highs and lows'.
I feel as though i'm about to break. Music is affecting me now, those notes that hit me with pain, yet I enjoy that. I enjoy feeling that something is making me feel. Something I used to feel constantly. Samaritans asked if I was feeling suicidal today and whether I had plans. Of course I have plans, I have for months. The hard part was whether I was suicidal or not. I don't know. I think i've just become accustomed to this feeling. I wouldn't care if I died, but today i'm not planning on being a catalyst. I think i've become apathetic. Or not?
Stressed. I pick up a book. I don't understand any of it. I become energetic. Compulsive. I MUST read this whole book tonight. I MUST stay up all night and do this. I must I must I must. I don't need to sleep. I need to do this. <- I'm on the brink of this occuring. It happened last time I got stressed with school work, but I felt elated at that time. I don't want to even think about how i'd react if I let that happen now. Hah, i'm a failure anyway. I've failed at life. I took most of my exams yesterday, sat there nearly crying, couldn't do any of the stuff.
I don't want to break-up from school for Summer. I'm so scared. I don't want to be alone all those weeks without my Form teacher who isn't coming back in September (the only person i've only ever slightly trusted with the contents of my mind). I went to see her yesterday, broke down. She wrote to CAMHS about a month ago so im waiting to see them.
I don't know how I will be able to cope in the Summer, I really don't. Oh yeah, even better - when I return in September, I will have the teacher who told me that I need to be put in a mental hospital as my form teacher.
I know this is probably nothing and I'm really sorry. I just dont know what to do anymore.
I've read your post and I think you realise that you might need help with how your feels. Could you maybe speak to you GP confidentially, they can at times have influence over how fast CAMHS see you. Don't waste your energy on even entertaining what your teachers say to you regards mentsl hospitals and put down, they sound ignorant to mental health I wish I hadn't taken any notice of what my teachers said. Finally, you haven't failed in life, you just weren't up to sitting exams, just like someone who is ill wouldn't be.
Take care and keep trying to get the help you deserve
*Big hugs* I'm sorry I really don't have anything to useful to say at the moment...but I just wanted to let you know that I read all of your post, and I really hate that you're feeling so bad right now. You aren't a failure, and you deserve help and understanding. Please feel free to PM me anytime. xx
Hi!
I just want to let you know that how you feel isn't your fault. The things we go through, how people react to us, that has a huge impact on how we feel. There are lot of unconscious forces that act on us and a lot of people at some point would need need someone or something to help unravel what's going on. There is no shame in that, it's just a fact of life. Nobody can cope with bad feelings on their own and nobody should have to. Highs and lows could and I stress could because only CAMHS can give you a proper diagnosis) be related to your genes so there is no way you could be held accountable for that.
I can so empathise with how good it feels to feel something, with me it's films-they just leave me bawling like a baby!
Holly's right about the exams. Highs and lows must be hard to deal with. It would be damn near impossible for me to do an exam in that state. Get the help you deserve and then hopefully things will be easier :)
Holidays are hard for so many people. What some people find it helpful to do is to plan a schedule to fillltheir days in advance with time for fun/relaxation, time for studying an time for friends.
How are you feeling today? Do you feel safe? Remember we're here if you want to talk anymore.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Im not feeling as bad today as i have been feeling the last few days. There is no reason why, I usually feel worse as the evening progresses though, tonight I may feel terrible. I'm scared because my mood changes like that, then it gets out of contol.
I am scared about school too because my form teacher is leaving this year. She is the only person who has helped me. She is the only person ive felt comfortable sitting with, crying. She is going and I dont know what to do, that means I, again, have no one.
I've started to hoard pills. I dont know why, but I have started to do that.
:(
