Laura, sweetie, answering the door to them is a good idea I think.
You are an amazingly strong person to have fought through this far, I have been following your posts on here and I know fighting how you feel is incredibly difficult. I hope you are/were able to answer the door to them and see how they can help you, so that you can go on fighting and get to a point where living and breathing feel less difficult.
*offers cuddles*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
lol im out of here tonight. ?Just left my psych and gemma in my living room, walked out and locked my bedroom door :)
mum. thats all it comes down to. Apparently i'm a liar about my past lol. Ok.
Nay i'm not staying. Not after what mother said today. I lol'd hard at her bullsh*t.
I'm drinking lots, just took a few lines of coke, chilling until later tonight :)
This will all get edited. Sorry.
I'm safe for now, but i'm going tonight regardless.
Love xx
Banging headache from the coke - but that's my own fault, and i cut aswell which doesn't help matters. Think it needs steri-stripping but i've gone past caring.
I know i left everyone in the dark, so i'll try and explain as best i can.
Basically the first thing my psych said was that after "much research" he now realises that my Aripiprazole "won't work" - great, thanks for making me wait 4 weeks only to just tell me.
Secondly, i refused to go into hospital voluntarily.
Thirdly, after him saying he would have to break confidentiality and tell my mother, i laughed and said "Like she'd care, and she can't be around 24/7 anyway" - thus, he called her in, but not to tell her what i was planning (which he barely knows of anyway) but to ask how she "feels" about my current situation.
Now - to those who don't know - I went on the Jeremy Kyle show in Jan 2006 because of the ongoing verbal bullying from my mother (fat bitch, fat cow, etc - hundreds of times a day) - she has since the show stopped, but makes snide remarks often.
She is a very uncaring soul. I was left in the house on my own from the age of 7/8 - being told that my father was "just up the farm" so i wouldn't have to worry. Or, she'd shove me in some activity type thing where they do daily activities - anything to shun the responsibility from herself.
My brother beat me, both physically and verbally, which she knew of, because i used to beg her not to go back to work and leave me after school so she had to sometimes drop me off at her own friends houses to "look after me" as i was so petrified of my brother.
A bunch of other sh*t went on in my past which i won't go into.
But when she asked how she felt about my current condition she said "Oh it's all to do with her weight which gives her an attitude". My mother has always been obsessed with my weight - she makes it such an issue that it becomes an issue for me. This has been since a young age when i used to comfort eat through bullying from my brother and physical violence.
She then said i asked to go to fat club in america and thats such a load of bollocks i laughed hysterically saying SHE was the one who watched a documentry on it when i was 12 and said "If i had the money i'd send you to one".
She completely denied knowing about the violence from my brother when she was the one that moved us both out to get away from his sh*t for about a month.
All the evidence pointed against her, but she put on her crocodile tears and said no, she doesn't care about me, (she said that) and doesn't care what happens to me. She said i was a selfish person expecting her to do "everything" for me.
My psychiatrist then told me after mum dramatically left the room like a 15 year old having an hormonal tantrum that i held all the power - which is a load of bollocks. All my family know what she's like, they know she has me on an emotional rope - tugging me when she wants sympathy, being incredibly nasty to me until i cripple and feel incapable of doing anything which means i rely on her even more. She is a pathalogical liar, and i've since messaged my now ex sister in law - who has always hated my mother and has always hated the way she has treated me - to email my psychiatrist for me to tell him exactly what she is like.
This in turn has made me realise just how much i will never be believed, how my mental state will never improve while my mother (or myself) are still alive. She's always been a liar, and today has made me realise just how useless every professional is, if they can believe the shit my mother came out with they can't be much of a professional can they?
I've had it. I've had it of being told i'm a worthless piece of shit who should have been aborted. I'm sick of so called quacks not seeing through my mothers lies. Although the on call psychiatrist 2 years ago was the only person who saw through her manipulative ways.
I just got my prescription - i've been in agony with my back for the past week, often crying, because i've been stashing. I now have a new lot of meds on top of my stash so i'm getting out of here. I've so had enough of this bullshit now.
I'm not going to hospital, even if i was sectioned it wouldn't be hard to escape considering they don't really care WHERE you are or WHAT you're doing. It's not a secure hospital to be in. And to be honest, i don't think i'd find it helpful anymore.
I'm just getting away now before this shit continues.
Thankyou all for your ongoing support and i'm terribly sorry for giving you the wrong impression. But that shit is just wrong. And it will always continue.
After todays little fiasco i would rather not continue to see you. I have thought long and hard on what happened today, and i feel anyone with a degree with common sense would see how disfunctional mine & my mothers relationship is. I also feel that even if you are unable to see how manipulative she is, then we have serious problems.
I was disgusted when you told me how i hold the power. How exactly did you come to that assumption? From a few crocodile tears from my mother? You must be joking.
I have recently contacted my sister in law, and i'm hoping she will email you herself to tell you exactly what my mother is like. Sam (my sister in law) has known me from a young age (from around the age of 8 - 9) and has seen how damaging my mother is to me. Something you are, quite clearly, unable to see for yourself.
My mother is obsessed with my size, which in turn makes me obsessed with it. We went on The Jeremy Kyle show in January 2006 because of the way she bullied me for a number of years (calling me a Fat cow, Fat Bitch, etc). She has me on an emotional string, she will lure me in when she feels it necessary, to give her sympathy and pamper her in compliments, then let go when she feels she's had enough, leaving me hanging believing i am incapable of doing anything. This is exactly why i am unable to move out, because of her manipulation.
In November 2007 i saw an oncall psychiatrist who called my mother in, exactly like you did today, and she gave the same sob story. I was grateful back then that they saw through her, and knew exactly what her game was, which was why when i was put forward for the crisis team they were warned not to have her in the room. And i am extremely dissapointed that you yourself are unable to see through her.
The reason i believe i have COED (Comfort Overeating Disorder) is because of the constant put downs i have had from my mother through my life. I lost 4 stone in 2006 and my mother barely gave me any support, encouragement, or compliments. It's like as soon as i lost weight, she was losing that hold over me.
I have never been the "perfect daughter", i've never been skinny, or pretty. I have, to her, been this fat ugly cow, who she is unable to show off to her friends and been proud of. She never gave me encouragement during school, and has never given me any support throughout my life. This is why i have never stuck at anything, not exams, not a career, jobs, nothing, because she has made me feel completely incompetant, and this in turn gives her amunition.
She even told me when i was 13 years old that the reason my brother went abroad to get married is so that they didn't have me as a fat bridesmaid in their pictures. (Which i confronted my sister in law & brother on, and both were disgusted.)
You may believe what she says, you can believe i am a pathalogical liar all you like, but i know the truth, and so do certain members of my family. Even my ex partner saw exactly what she was like.
I'm not seeing someone who gives sympathy to a manipulative fucked up woman, i'd rather suffer thankyou.
It's highly doubtful i will even be here Friday anyway, especially since picking up my prescription today.
If i fail, which i highly doubt, i will continue to see Gemma, but i would rather have no contact with you or any other psychiatrist. If that means i have no support from Gemma (as i am on the understanding she can't see me without others being in the "care plan") then i will go without seeing her also.
You wanted me to email you, so you have my email now.
If Sam contacts you i'm sure she'll let me know beforehand. She may not wish to get involved, on the other hand she may jump at the chance to tell you exactly what she's like. We shall just have to wait and see.
I have also stopped my Aripiprazole as of today. I haven't taken it, and i see no point continuing to do so considering it doesn't do anything but make me worse.
Oh Laura =[ *cuddles tight* I don't know what to say. I wish I could make it all better for you (lol how lame am I :P). I don't want to see you go =[ I'm so sorry you've been through all that shit =[ *cuddles*
Ah, Laura, that's horrible.
What is going on for you now, where are you at with all of this?
Why don't you want to go to the hospital any more, I think it was a good move.
I love you, Laura, please keep fighting xxxx
Been really ill all night - physically i mean, i think it might be just..stress + coke related but i'm as weak as a kitten so i can't reply properly just yet.
But i will say that i was put off the idea of hospital after the doctor said going in voluntarily would be no different to being sectioned, which i lol'd at, saying that people who are sectioned are kept SAFER, that was the whole f*cking point. But then knowing my local hospital i can't say that i'd be surprised if they'd let you roam around outside on section.
Think my sister in law Sam has emailed him now - waiting for her to send me a copy, that's if she will. But now i'm concerned as she was the one who said my self harm was "attention seeking" when she knew nothing about self harm and i don't even LEAVE the house to show anyone, nor do i even TALK about it. So she's a dick. It's why we fell out. But i did want her to tell him about what my mother is like. So..we'll see.
*sends squishes*
ah i suck & have no words..
i hope you feel better, physically & mentally, soon.
i know it all sucks at the moment, but you really are a fabulous, lovely & intelligent person, and you don't deserve any of this.
hang in there x
As you may have read in my previous email to my psychiatrist, i stated that Sam (now ex) sister in law may (or may not) be contacting him - well, she did, and this is what she has said.
Hi
I understand you had a meeting today with Laura Williams at her house
in St Neots and the CPN Gemma was present also. Lauras mother was
called in and asked what she thought of Laura and what she was going
through, and her reply involved a few crocodile tears and maybe not a
true perspective of the things that have happened along the years.
I am writing to you (as Laura has asked me to be involved as a third
party and for an outside perspective to be heard) I hope this is ok
and you do not mind me doing this. I am Lauras (ex) sister in law, I
was married to her brother but am now seperated from him, but still
have (weak) links with the family as I have children from him.
I have known Laura since she was 10 years old and have seen her life
evolve into what is happening now - and to be totally honest I am not
surprised this is the outcome!
Laura is the byproduct of her upbringing and the way she was treated -
I think she will get past this and with help, one day will be able to
look back on this as a very bad phase in her life.
Her mother routinely told her that she "was an accident, not planned,
not wanted and should have been aborted" as Laura is a 4th child of an
older woman. I think her mum was about 41 when she had her. There was
a big age gap I *think* of about 8 years after the 3rd boy was born.
So Laura grew up pretty much as an only child as the boys were so much
older. She lived on an isolated farm, so didn't have the usual
"friends in the street" that most people grow up with when they live
on an estate or a normal road. Her mum and dad both worked long hours
and she was left on her own a lot of the time from a young age, food
was her only friend! To make up for this she was given a reasonable
amount of material things, but no love, emotional support or
attention. She was given lifts in the car when she needed them and
kind of spoilt a bit in a strange no emotions kind of way. All very
odd to watch along the years! She would come home from school and eat
because there was nothing better to do and no one to speak to! I think
the TV was her only other friend also. When her dad came in late from
work, she would eat again with him for some company. Hence getting
into bad food routines and putting on weight. I blame her parents
completely for her weight problem as they would buy the junk food for
her to consume and she never seemed to be taught about food controls,
habits or portions. She was left to her own devices with food!
The brother next up from her was violent, got into drugs and in
trouble with the police and routinely verbally abused the whole of the
family including Laura. Thankfully he moved away! The brother after
that (my ex) never spoke until he was about 5, was very shy, had no
social skills and when I met him in his early 20's he wouldn't even
make eye contact with people he didn't know. The eldest brother seems
to have come out the most "normal" out of all of them and I don't have
much to say about him, he probably got the most attention from his
mother being the first child and having her full attention for the
first 4 years of his life until his brother came along, as the
children came along in the family the attention given to them phased
out with each child - Laura getting the least attention!
In my personal opinion I think the family have aspergers/autismn
traits that run through the line and I especially think this applies
to the mother. I think it runs to my ex and then slightly into my
eldest daughter (all within the realms of normal life function, but
noticable to me) She most certainly has some strange social behaviours
and ways about her that I find hard to understand! Especially the way
she treats and has treated Laura over the years. She doesn't seem to
understand boundaries and social acceptances with people. So she quite
often says things that "normal" (I use the word lightly, as noone is
normal) people wouldn't dream of saying - I am not sure she
understands the consequences of the actions of her words. The things
she has said to Laura over the years I would NEVER expect a mother to
come out with! I think this has damaged Laura imensely!!!!
She also has this very strange "control" over her. It's almost like
she has her on a bunjee cord (excuse my childlike way of explaining
this, but this is how it feels to me) she will be all "nice" to her at
times, only to completely turn on her. Laura gets very angry and
defensive at this and fights back with harsh words. Which to be honest
I think I would be angry if she spoke to me like that! But the mother
will use sentences like you fat, horrible cow, stop scrounging off me
and go and get a job or move out or words along those lines and then
because Laura is trying to clutch onto some sort of security, she puts
up with living there and taking the punishment. It's almost like the
toddler behaviour you see of them accepting negative attention as it's
better than no attention at all!
I do think that Laura needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own
two feet, and get away from living with her parents. The main problem
I see is that she has never been taught life skills to do this, I
think she will find it hard at first. But I firmly believe, the sooner
she is out of that negative environment and away from the put downs,
she will grow stronger as a person. But after years of being told she
is worthless she needs her confidence in herself restored and she
needs to learn to love herself, because I would say she thinks she is
not a valueable member of society and doesn't deserve to have any
happiness in life.
I find this all very sad to be honest. It shouldn't have happened! I
always said (even at the time) that if Laura had lived with me her
life would have turned out a lot differently. But it wasn't my place
to take on someone elses child.
If you would like to ask me any other questions I will do my utmost to
answer them honestly. I have offered Laura a shoulder over the years
which she has never accepted as she feels she is bothering someone. So
the less she has asked me the more I have backed off and just left
them up to it - but I would like to help if I can!
Kind regards
Sam Williams
----
I find this completely honest and for once i completely agree with her. I had tears in my eyes when reading it because it just made me realise the shit i've put up with, and how much of a doormat i've been over the years.
And she <b>is</b> right, i <i>do</i> need to grow up, but because of how unsafe i am right now, i can't get out - atleast not just yet. If anything, i need to work on my agoraphobia/anxiety before anything. It will be a slow process if i'm to work on this. He's replied to my previous email - and i think you will find it interesting, the last bit especially (which he believes i DO have) - so whether he's seen Sam's email, or whether he's going by mine, i don't know, but either way it put a smile on my face to know he see's what i have to put up with.
----
Hello Laura,
thanks for your letter. I hope we can still meet up tomorrow as planned with Gemma and eventually discuss whether you want to stop seeing me. I am sorry if I you fell distressed calling your mother in but I was under the impression you gave me your consent to it. It helped me seeing things in a different perspective from a therapeutic point of view.
Your mum has her own issues and I felt she was crying as she was feeling guilty in a sense. Never dreamt to attribute any particular meaning or to judge you from your mum's whinging behaviour.
Believe me, if I had a mum like you have I would possible have the same COED.
I hope to see you tomorrow!
Take care
Dr Dell'Erba
----
Aha. The last bit made me LOL hard. "Believe me, if i had a mum like you have i would possible have the same COED" - lmao. FUCK YOU BITCH is the first thing i said outloud to myself (about my mother) - thank the lord he finally see's sense.
----
I've not been very well physically, i was up at 2am with a migraine, but i've had diarrhea (sorry) since the weekend - and feeling very very sick (been taking some anti-sickness tablets given to me by Dr.Newson for the Airipiprazole) so i feel weak as a kitten. Slept for a few hours today and feel a bit better but worried insanely of another migraine attack as i have no tablets (although mum has if i get desperate) until tomorrow. Erk. These fucking migraines. I can't wait until i get my new glasses next week, atleast it'll solve some of it. Then i need to get to the appointment for my sinuses. *Dies*
Just thought i'd update with what's going on so far.
