I have just read - and cried - through the entire 32 pages of your story.
I can't describe how much hope this has given me. I honestly don't know the words. These insights are now in my thoughts and will remain there for days, I'm sure of it.
Thank you. For being brave (as I'm sure many people have said). For showng us all who are struggling that we are not alone, and we are not the only ones who have been through too much one lifetime should have to bear. I can't tell you how much this has given me, and I hope like hell that you have been able to get through to the other side.
...
On a more optimistic note - I WANT TO READ MORE!! Your'e so damn talented!! *Sits in fron of computer expectantly* It's incredible!
Luffage
xx
Thanks so much everybody for all the kind words and compliments, I really needed them :)
As time drew on the looming date of my leaving the unit hung over me like a shadow overhead. I was only on an emergency admission and therefore would be leaving on a set a date, better or not. This point was driven home as I leaned against the radiator in the dining room, watching as the Welsh nurse left to complete her training elsewhere, and Sasha turned to wave goodbye to us, deemed healthy and whole again, and walked away down the driveway.
For the days after Sasha’s leaving everyone was dejected, especially Em, who had been close to Sasha, sharing similar problems. Her and Dillon spent a lot of time lounging behind the sofa in the visitors room, hiding from the world, a fabric wall between them and their separate pain. My own leaving date was to take place in a few days time making me moody and irritable with everybody. The thing that people often don’t understand about psychiatric units, is that they are addictive. You become addicted to your safe, secure little bubble away from the world, and take for granted that it is someone else’s responsibility to keep you safe. The prospect of reshouldering this burden, a burden that was what broke you in the first place, administers a paralysing shot of fear.
Both Em and I became fixated on how to keep me in the unit longer, aided and abetted by Alice who loathed the unwavering rules of expelling emergency patients on a set date, regardless of level of recovery reached. Em interrogated Kit, who was in charge of admissions and discharges, and eventually Andi, a young nurse, persuaded me to write down all the reasons I wanted to stay and to take them to Kit. I did so, but she cut me short before I could read off one of them. She made it clear that I was leaving in a few days, and nothing and no one was going to change that. Shaking with fear and anger in equal measures I left the room to shoot a furious game of solitary pool. Kit approached and asked if she could join me, and I shook my head. She shrugged and said “Remember the saying about cutting your nose off to spite your face.” I bit back the swearwords on the tip of my tongue and retreated to the lounge to play sing star. I sang until my throat was raw and my stomach whined and complained from missing snack and eating little lunch. I sang until my anger had thawed to the extent where I could accept Kit as a competitor on various songs. I sang my desperation and my terror, disguised as meaningless commercial lyrics.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
StillBroken is my cool lil sis!!! - surprising mystery is my uber-cool monkey!!!zowie is my lil sis !!!!- LetDeathEmbraceUs is my Wolfie !!!
BrokenKisses is my DizzyCandyFloss !!! rachel487 is my lil sis !!! nuttergirl is my kool neice !!! CrazyKat is my book buddie !!!
NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL - ONE NICE PM TO SOMEONE NEW A DAY HELPS!!! TRY IT!!!
The thing that people often don’t understand about psychiatric units, is that they are addictive. You become addicted to your safe, secure little bubble away from the world, and take for granted that it is someone else’s responsibility to keep you safe. The prospect of reshouldering this burden, a burden that was what broke you in the first place, administers a paralysing shot of fear.
I can completely relate to it.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
*hugs* that is a very stoopid rule! *nods*
Stoopid MHT!
Realy good updates though!
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
