I am worthless. I feel worthless. I don't want to do anything but sleep all day. I feel as if the best part of my life has passed me by. I don't want to find a job. I don't want to face the world. I don't want to live right now. I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish things were so different. I hate this.
what the hell is wrong with you?? I just got out out the damn hospital from a suicide attempt and you treat me like crap!! what the F***????? shut up!!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE that you are having issues! stop treating me like shit and maybe I'll listen!!!!! STOP FREAKING IGNORING ME!! STOP!! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! I Don't CARE that you think you're better than me...YOU SUCK RIGHT NOW... I just a freaking reject I know...but you can at least pretend to care, can't you??
Oh no.
Why do you care? Or at least act like you do? I can't figure it out. You shouldn't care about someone like me.
Will you kindly fuck off?
I lied. I'm not safe, I'm not okay and no, I'm not coping. But if believing that helps you then I'll keep on acting for you. Not long left to hide it anyway you'd be glad to know.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
mom im sorry you had a tough run at it but stop taking it out one me and dad get over it i will never talk to you ever again, you do not deserve it. Because of you two sometimes i go to bed at ngiht and pray i wont wake up the next morning. I just miss the way things used to be.
I thought this would give me time to think, but all I can think about is how much I miss you.
Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
Just because I act like its not a big deal, doesn't mean it really isn't a big deal! I'm cutting my arm open on purpose...how is it that something that should just be treated as an everyday activity? By even exposing my cuts/telling you at all I'm asking for help the only way I know how, please listen to what I'm saying and what I'm not!
You make me feel safe and scared at the same time. Loved and rejected. Beautiful and Ugly. I wish you had told me earlier. And I wish she hadn't made everything change between the two of us. But I can't ask you about it because I like you as a friend and I want you around. Please don't leave.
I love you.
I love you I love you I love you.
And I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you.
But you're the only one who has been worth fighting for.
I don't know how close I am to losing you completely.
But I can't just give it up.
The deeper |you cut| The deeperI |h.u.r.t| The deeper y.o.u cut
It only gets w.o.r.s.e
i just deferred from school for another year. what the hell am i doing in this horrible economy? singing/making music all day. i feel like i am such a useless lazy arrogant stupid piece of garbage. i have no future. i thought i could always kill myself if i wanted to. but now i am really scared of death.
Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you, he said. They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.
thats how long its been since you talked to me. since you left me. I miss you nats, I really fucking miss you. you know so many things that ive only told one other person (hannah). even at that i only mentioned Alexis to hannah, I told you the entire story. Do you remember all the times we shared together? how we bonded so fiercely right after megan.......well you know. We talked about you and josh, you and megan. I was willing to fly across the world and move in with you, to look after you and physically show you that your my best friend and that Im never leaving you. even now, im still keeping my promises, every single one. Im never leaving you, i still consider you my best friend nats. I still love you, my love for you nats holden, my best friend, is immensome (haha remember?)
I miss you Nats
until you decide to talk to me again ill keep counting
