Damn..didn't think this thread would still be on the frontpage. I don't warrant any sympathy/support really.
I honestly do know what i'm doing - i couldn't be sure of anything more.
I've started stockpiling tablets for next week - prescription ones that i know will truely f*ck me up. However, in the meantime, i am in pain because some of the tablets are for my back pain - and i am refusing to take any as my GP seems to have cotton on about next week (am presuming from Gemma) thus he is only giving me 50 instead of 100 like i usually get. Pissed.
By the time i get my next prescription next week, i will be all set.
I spoke to Gemma about sectioning yesterday, only because the thought PETRIFIES me, therefor i wish to know details on how it is dealt with if it was to get that far. I will however (fingers crossed) be gone by the time it gets to that, and it's unlikely i would get sectioned anyway because the MH Services are uber lazy.
Apparently i was discussed with Gemma and "her" team yesterday morning about the concerns they have for me. Harhar. What b*llocks. Concers my arse. I told her i think they all think i'm bullsh*tting. She said she doesn't at all, which is why she's going to such great lengths to stop me being referred to the crisis team (because she knows how much that distresses me as i think they're utterly POINTLESS). She's phoning monday apparently to see "how im doing", i said nothing would have changed by then, when i've made my mind up that's it.
She wants to see me on Wednesday, and i don't think i have much choice in the matter, but my concerns around this are she's very shrewd, and i know she'll have a bunch of crap up her sleeve. I.E. Informing parents, persuading me to go into hospital (which she was trying to do yesterday - she brought it up several times, of which i refused), and..well, loads of other things.
I just want to be left alone by them. I'm rather content if not anxious at the moment about next week. I just want to get it over and done with.
I'm terribly sorry for bringing you all into it and upsetting you all, it's completely my fault and i shouldn't have made this thread, but i'm getting PM's/comments on my LJ and texts asking where i am, how its going, if i've changed my mind, and i felt it would only be fair to update here where everyone will see it. I'm trying to word things accordingly but no doubt i've put my foot in it somewhere along the line..if so, i apologise.
Thankyou again for your concerns/support but please please please concentrate on yourselves and not on me. I'm honestly fine with everything, i'm just biding my time, and i really don't want to feel even more guilty about..upsetting everyone.
Gah none of this makes sense. Sorry.
Love to all x
I thought about you again today at work - as I do when my mind wanders, think about the internet, and it saddens me that at one point all I'll have left is thinking of you and not being able to tell you, to see your journal entries, to see you around here.
Have you ever heard The Spill Canvas song "Self Conclusion?"
Listen to it.
We all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion.
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets.
Oh & if you're not here to stand up for me, and the thoughts I can't say properly, then who will?
Basically, Dr.Dell'ebra (my new consultant psychiatrist) wants to prescribe me another anti-psychotic - too late i'm afraid, he should have offered it the first time he saw me. What made me laugh is when Gemma emailed him saying i'd been on an AP, and that i wanted to go on another, he emailed back asking what one i was on - despite having had my medical files from 1994 LOL. Incompetance much?
Gemma is now begging to come on Wednesday with Dr.Dell'ebra - i'm refusing, as i'm too scared i'm going to get sectioned. She's saying she's going to get the Acute Care Team involved, but she knows how i feel about them, so now i'm telling her i'm fine and won't do it just because i don't want them to start f*cking showing up on my doorstep all the time.
As far as i'm concerned everything is still going ahead. But i know the next few days are going to be tricky in getting around Gemma/psychiatrist/crisis team.
Why dont you at least try the new antipsychotic? You have nothing to lose. You're at rock bottom, the only way is up.
If they are planning on sectioning you, your refusing them entry to your house wont stop them. They can go to a magistrate and apply for a section 135.
Quote:
Section 135 is a magistrates’ order. It can be applied for by an ASW in the best interests of a person who is thought to be mentally disordered, but who is refusing to allow mental health professionals into their residence for the purposes of a Mental Health Act assessment. Section 135 gives police officers the right to enter the property and to take the person to a “Place of Safety”, which is locally defined and is usually either a police station or a psychiatric hospital ward.
It's never too late to change your mind, remember that.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Sorry folks but i can't. It should have been given to be months ago. Now that they know roughly what i'm planning they're trying to give me what i asked for - it doesn't work like that.
They won't section me. They're idiots in this part of the country. And even if i was to be given the crisis team it would only be thursday i'd have to deal with them.
I've just seen a pic of you on the Compliments board and you look gorgeous and full of life. What a waste of a life! You have such a poor opinion of yourself that I never dreamed you were so pretty.
Please rethink - just a couple of weeks to let the new ap kick in. I have found quetiapine really helpful as it helps me sleep and helps calm and sometimes helps me not sh or not harm as badly.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Sorry to keep spamming your post but just thought after seeing your pic that I reckon you may have the same problem as I do at times . Just because I look young and not dreary and do my hair etc, I swear they think I am doing better than I am. Maybe they see you and think "well, she's a beautiful young girl who surely has her whole life ahead". They find it harder to see the pain. I'm not being weird or anything but just putting a few things out there for you to think about. It would be an absolute tragedy, hun, it really would!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
The picture is 2 years old. 2 f*cking years old. I'm too ashamed to post a recent picture - i don't even have one, because my face is disgusting. I've put on so much weight since that picture, STONES infact, and i am disgusting. Don't be fooled by a fake picture. It was before i got ill anyway. But thanks i guess.
I think he wanted to put me on Aripiprazole - not looked it up like i always do, i see no point.
I feel so lonely. Like no one understands i need to get the f*ck out.
