Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Can't stop shaking

lozza · 28-03-2009, 12:50 AM

Today at Bakers Delight we are doing are bundraiser. Basically when we sell a 6 pack of hot x buns, $1 goes straight to the Good Friday Appeal for the Royal Childrens Hospital. I have been looking forward to this day for so long. I think it's a great what we are doing and about time that bakers finally got behind the good friday appeal....

BUT

My work manager has arranged for us to wear hospital scrubs. At first I was ok with this... I mean they are just scrubs right???

But today... the flash backs are out of control and I cannot stop shaking. I am meant to be working 6 hrs. I dont even know if I will be able to work through the door into the bakery though.

I keep remembering everything that happened in hospitals... my grandpa... hurting me... (I thought hospitals were a safe place to be... I was dead wrong!) I cant stop thinking of the night. I dont even remember what he was in hospital for.... but he was there, he never let me go, I was almost in tears... he wouldnt stop, it hurt so much.

I don't know what to do. I am scared that getting to work and being in the scrubs... that the shaking will just get even worse. I am afraid of letting bec down and her sending me home early. I am scared of being close to the customers... what if they are like 'him' and hurt me too... what if they say something (without meaning to) and it brings back even more memories and I just can't cope??

I hate this. Today was meant to be a great day... I mean its great what we are doing...

But I am not ok and I am scared out of my mind.....

I'm just so scared

lozstar88 · 28-03-2009, 08:26 AM

oh hunni. i'm so sorry this is happening to you *safe hugs*
you don't deserve all this pain my twin. How are you now bubs? Did it go ok?
*holds you tightly*

lozza · 28-03-2009, 09:36 AM

I'm ummmm ok......

Love you too sweetie. So so so much.

Popple · 28-03-2009, 10:30 AM

*cuddles*
How are you feeling today sweetie?
Its ok to be scared and you will get through this because you are strong.

Remember to focus on you breathing. It will be ok.
Take care of yourself
x

DUNFERMLINEBOY · 28-03-2009, 11:33 AM

Heya,

First of all well done for being able to post this here and ask for help.

Flashbacks of a stuation like that can be absolutely horrendous and the pain that they cause is beyond belief! There is no way that you could have known that this was going to happen, but now that it as i think you should try and have a word with your manager and say that youre not comfortabe wearing hospital scrubs, because you've had a bad experience in hospital (assumng that u dont want to tell her the whole story) and that you will not be able o provide good customer service and it may cause you to have flashbacks! Ask if theres anything else that you can do to help in the event becse you really want to be a part of it and you don't want to let anyone down.

If she's a decent person she'll understand and do what she can to help you, becaus she won't want you having a relapse.

Hope that this helps and let us know how the day goes and if we can be of any further support!

Take Care,

Craig

lozza · 28-03-2009, 11:52 PM

I am ummmm okayish this morning......

Don't want to work today, especially as I am closing with one of the new juniors which means I will have to be extra on the ball and make sure that she does everything she is meant to + doing my own jobs!!

I don't know how it will go. Maybe I should be in contact with my counsellor through today to help get me through today?? She makes me feel in control and like I can do things...

I am shaking a bit, but am doing ok... but I ended up drinking last night and taking a PRN plus my usual dose of meds to get to sleep (I should probably bring this up with my counsellor in session tomorrow!)

I don't know what to do... but I will be ok right? I will be able to get through today and I will not break down again???

Please wont someone just make it be over already??

DUNFERMLINEBOY · 30-03-2009, 12:02 AM

so hows things for you now? Did things go ok?

lozza · 30-03-2009, 05:09 AM

Had session with counsellor today. Was very tough. We started talking about some of the abuse stuff and then I found it really hard to breathe so I had to stop myself... I then asked if I could write and she said that was fine. I couldnt talk about it but write I could!!! So then I had to explain to her why I could write so easily but not say the words out loud... I knew she knew the answer already but I think I needed to hear myself say it too... that if I was to say it out loud then it would be real what happened... that I couldnt pretend it was just a bad dream anymore.

My counsellor has been so good with this stuff. She acknowledges that its really hard for me to talok about so she is letting me take it nice and slow. I dont know where I would be without her.

Am doing ok at the moment, still not great but am hanging in there which is a good start

Thanks everyone for all your kind words.. it really means a lot!!

Popple · 30-03-2009, 06:02 PM

I am really glad your counsellor is so understanding and I hope you can keep talking to her because you will get through this sweetie!
Well done for opening up =)
Take care of yourself
x

DUNFERMLINEBOY · 01-04-2009, 02:45 AM

Am reallyglad that the counselling sessions are under way, and yeah it will be hard as you work through it, bt the important thing is that you have already done by way the hardest thing by acknowledging that there is a problem and seeking help for it!

Well done

lydia. · 01-04-2009, 10:10 AM

i'm glad to hear you're coping ok. hang in there
*squishes*

rach3121 · 02-04-2009, 09:21 PM

Hey beautiful
Am glad she lets you write and understands so much. Having someone like that in your life is amazing.
*hugz*
Going slow is the only way to do it, keep going and you'll get there
Love you!

lozza · 05-04-2009, 12:44 PM

Don't want to go. Don't want to talk about it. CANNOT relive it. I can't I CAN'T. Scared. So scared. And there is this place. This place a friend told me about. It is ages away though. Much further away than just Melbourne... too much. So scared.

Sleep. Sleep now and no wakey. If I dont wake up I will be safe. He cant hurt me then. I will be safe.