Triggering (SI/OD) - Go Back To Work (Rant/Suicide Triggs as well)
Enter Doctors.
Within 2 minutes he's writing a script for temazepam
Me: I can't go back to work, i can't cope if i go back i'll hurt myself
Doc: If the depression isn't caused by work you're actually better off there, you'll feel better after a good nights sleep.
NO
I WON'T
I tell you i've had thoughts of fucking killing myself. But you don't fucking care.
What do i have to do? I've SI'd nealry every day. I have a plan. But no. Just give me something i can OD on. Will you care then? Will i be ill enough then? I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of everything thing "oh she's fine". Do i have to be dead or bleeding before someone takes notice??? If i'd gone to that doctor in the first instance i can see now i'd never be under treatment for my depression.
Going back to work may be better in the long run but not qhen you have a stressful job in a call center taking bets from abusive gamblers. I have to be happy all the time. Every person i speak to i have to be happy and pleasent. I can't do it. There's one window at work that opens all the way. i know whats going to happen if i go back. I can't fight this anymore. I thought this was getting sorted but it isn't. I don't matter. I'm a burden on everyone i meet and i have to be punished.
I want out. I actually seriously want out. But i'm apparently fine so i shouldnt be thinking like that.
i'm sorry for the rant but i don't know what the hell to do.
Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up
Ask to change doctors. If this one isn't listening to your needs and helping you in the way you need to be helped, then he'll never be able to help and you need to change doctors.
Have you looked at changing your job as well? Taking calls may seem like an easy job but when you're in constant contact with the public, it can take a serious strain on your health.
-hugs- Don't ever be sorry for relapsing. You are strong enough, you just don't feel it at the moment.
Hii,
I'm sorry to hear the doctor isn't listening to you. I know how that feels. Maybe go to work, try it, see how you feel. If it's really bad go and tell the doctor... maybe he might just want you to try it? Take care, sweetie. xo.
i can't go back there. i have to talk to people all day. i have to pretend i'm happy and ok all day. i have to pretend i'm not just thinking about SI and killing myself. when i go on a break i look at the traffic and think "what if" what if i just end it now. i've SI's at work. they're not supportive or understanding, and they're curtrently firing everyone left, right and center. if i go back and make ANY mistake they WILL fire me. and i can't cope with that thought. i don't want to go back till i feel normal. till i can function. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i can't even leave the goddamn house cos i'm so scared. i don't know what of. i'm scared everyone is looking at me.i'm scared of what they think of me.
i have another appt. in 2 hours and i'm so scared she won't listen. i'm scared i'm beyond help. i'm scared i'm going to end up quitting my job even though usually i like it, but i can't do it, but i don't want to be forced to decide now cos what if its just me being depressed. what if i regret it when i'm better. and i can't afford to live without a job.
i feel like i'm better of dead./ i don't have to make these decsions. i don't have to feel like this anymore. i can make it all stop and go away. i see myself ending up in hospital or the morgue the way i feel right now.
Life Is Like A Beautiful Melody Only The Lyrics Are Messed Up
Your life has value. You have natural right's as a human being. Our emotions mislead us, and it's then that we have to rely on those that care for us, or at least those that can see logic. I'm kind of dealing with the same.. predicament.. What I mean is I'm not a priority in anybody's life. And for a while, it was really really really upsetting. I mean, if I can get someone to listen, they'll just brush it away as nothing. And those feeling's your having, if theyre depression, or a chemical embalance, or just caused by something that needs to be treated; or if it is just you, but I mean I can relate is my point. And though I haven't found a solution just yet, I have .. . came closer to peace. I think what your doctor means by going back to work is busying yourself.. I'm still in school, so I have a lot of things to keep my occupied, but I won't lie, it's really hard. I'm still self-harming, and sometimes it feel's like I can't handle it anymore. But at that point, you have to find a distraction. You have to find something, anything that is safe, or at least generally safe, to keep yourself intact. Right now, and sometimes even more, that may seem absolutely pointless. But .. forgive the cliche, but in the long run.. when you get to feeling some better.. and everything gets back to a good place, you're not giong to regret your actions. I believe with all of my heart that you deserve to live and be happy and be loved and have a wonderful life. But sometimes.. things get in the way. Believe me, I know. It's hard. Life can be so fucked sometimes, I mean, its crazy. Soo... I've babbled through all of this without really giving you a solution.. And for that I'm sorry. I don't really have a solution for everything just yet. But then again there aren't any really easy way outs, are there? But I mean this is a bad time for you, but you can get through this. You are strong and you are a beautiful person who deserves to live.. and be safe. If you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me. I'll be there for you if you need somebody. I think ,maybe, you just sort of need that one stable someone or something , a safe stable someone or something. It mean's more to me atleast as a person. I mean everyone's different, but still..
what happened with the doctor? and I agree.. you should seriously consider finding a new doctor.. one you can trust and talk to.. and be open with and feel safe with.. one who will listen to you and etc..
again, I'm here if you need me. to me as a person, having someone there is more than anything. it may be different for you, but the offer stands.
****gentle hugs****
peace<3
Everyday they go to sleep hoping that when they wake up it'll be different... and everyday they wake up to see that hope is not there...
If i'd gone to that doctor in the first instance i can see now i'd never be under treatment for my depression. 
