(Note: You don’t have to read all of this… I’m just having lots of issues and need advice and support and if you could give advice/support on any of the topics I mention, it would be appreciated. Thank you.)
I really am. Almost no one likes me, and the people who actually do like me, well, I burn them out with my neediness. I'm so annoying. No wonder no one ever wants to talk to me.
I haven't cut in a little over a month. I want to so bad. I'm not really triggered, right now, it's not an urge, I just miss the blood, and the scars. They each told a story, they each meant something to me. Sometimes I hate them, but on rare occasions I really love them. And I know I'm going to have times where I miss them. And I never cut very deep so now they are fading. I
Perhaps not fast enough, though. I've been sickish for a while now. I’ve been running fevers, and vomiting and such… I really think I need to see a doctor, but I'm terrified of having to explain about my sacrs (I also have social anxiety disorder, so going to the doctor to begin with is hard), and I haven't been to the doctor since I've been like this with my cutting, and my scars/cuts used to be pretty hard to notice, and I cut in areas that a doctor normally wouldn’t need to see. But more recently before I quit cutting instead of a couple of small cuts, I had more than ten large cuts all over my hips and stomach and some scarred pretty bad. I’m not sure what I’d say if a doctor asked. I think I’d probably end up having an anxiety attack, and it’d just be very embarrassing. I don’t think I could handle it.
I've been even more ill since last Thursday when I ODed as a suicide attempt. (For the record, I really didn't want to, but I was fighting with my boyfriend all day, and I felt awful to begin with then, to top it all off I came on here, went to Completely Serious chat, and was told if I was really suicidal I wouldn't be on this website. So I felt I had to leave.) I haven’t been able to eat much really, and I’ve been having chest pains and such. But again, I feel I cannot see a doctor because of my scars so I’m pretty much screwed.
I kind of wish I had died last Thursday. I actually wanted to really, but I kind of knew I wouldn’t. It’s not the first time I’ve attempted suicide and it’s probably not the last. I feel that I am completely useless, and although some people may CARE if I died, they would in the long run get over my death and be better off without me. I don’t really WANT to die though. I’m pretty sure it’d be for the best, and I’m tired of feeling this way, but I do have a few wonderful friends, and the most AH-MAZING boyfriend in the world, but I feel like I deserve to die, and that a lot of people probably want me to.
I’ve been abusing painkillers lately too. To get high. As an escape. My parents are kind of mean (emotionally abusive, I’ve been told), and if they knew I’m PRETTY sure they’d disown me. And I have been taking old drugs that my dad had from shoulder surgery that were in our med cabinet. I’m really scared they’ll notice. The bottle was full and it’s almost half empty. I don’t know what I’d do. I really want to steal the whole bottle and get rid of the pills, so I won’t use anymore, because having them there is tempting, but they’re a commonly abused painkiller and my parents always think the worst of me (usually they’re not right, but in this case I’m doing the worst thing) so I’m pretty sure they’d know. And if by some chance they notice it’s half empty, well, then I’m screwed there too. I’m not sure what to do. In all honesty, part of me just wants to not worry about it… and take the bottle, and keep them and keep taking ‘em because it feels SOOOOO good. But I know it’s dangerous and stupid, and will probably get me in some deep trouble, if not with my parents, than I’ll be in trouble when I run out and start trying to buy more illegally. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel depressed.
And my parents have really been on me about my weight. I feel like drugs are a distraction from food. I don’t eat as much when I’m high.
Anyway, my parents half been really vicious about my weight. Medically, I’m a “healthy weight”. I have a healthy BMI, doctors say I’m fine, but I guess that’s not good enough for my parents. They tell me how much weight I’ve gained, and how lazy I am CONSTANTLY. The call me a pig, and tell me I look obese, and tell me I have a muffin top and thunder thighs and all sorts of things like that. It hurts. There is nothing I hate more about myself than what I weigh. And every time they’ve spoken to me the past couple of weeks, they’ve mentioned my weight. And it’s never in a caring “maybe you should change your diet, or exercise a little more to be healthier” way. It’s ALWAYS vicious and mean. And it hurts. I’ve expressed that it bothers me, and they just called me a “baby” for not being able to handle it and continued. I hate it. It’s killing me.
My father told me not to eat the other day. And I’m considering it. I fasted a lot last year, and I know supposedly, it “doesn’t work”, makes you store fat and stuff… medically, yes, that’s how it should be. But different things work for different people, maybe my body is just really screwed up, but I fast on and off for a while and restricted (and occasionally purge if I ended up binging) and I lost lots of weight. AND I was able to back to eating normally and MATAIN MY LOWER WEIGHT. For MONTHS. It was only when I started overeating a bit after I got out of the psych hospital I was put in, and when I was put on meds that I gained weight back. So it worked well for me once, why would I not go back to that? I’m honestly considering it. Plus my friend is going to help me get some diet pills really soon, so maybe those will help. I’m really desperate. I try eating healthy and exercising, but I always end up eating to much or too little and there’s only so much exercise I can do in my own home. I’m so bad at this. But I was good at fasting. And I just want to be thin. I want it so bad.
It’s hard though, my parents say don’t eat or you’ll get fat, my boyfriend tells me, you have to eat or you’ll get fat. So I kind of feel like I’m stuck, that either way, I’ll always be fat, and I can’t please everyone, I most likely can’t please anyone. It’s hard.
And lately I haven’t been getting the professional help I need. I’m having to find a new psychiatrist. (It’s a long story, my old one was refusing me treatment because my parents didn’t pay some bill, they supposedly actually paid, and my dad chewed out my psych’s secretary.) It’s been a few months since I’ve seen my psychiatrist, and being with a new one will be really hard, since my social anxiety disorder has seemed to only get worse over the past year or so. I’d been with my old psych for about a year and wasn’t yet comfortable enough with him to be honest, and so having to start all over is going to be a really tough thing. And I’ve been having frequent migraines and missed lots of therapy (I go to a small group therapy once a week), plus I missed a couple of appointments because I was high. And in all honesty, I’m terrified to be honest since I can’t risk my parents knowing any of this. My mother found out I cut and now every time we get in the slightest argument she says things like “why don’t you go cut yourself?” and she calls me an “emo freak”. And it doesn’t seem like much but still, it hurts. And if they knew I was still depressed or suicidal or that I did drugs or that I hated myself, they’d only make things worse. SO I’m scared to be honest because I can’t risk them knowing, but I know I’m not going to get any better if I’m not honest. So I’m not sure what to do.
I don’t know why I posted. Sorry for rambling and wasting your time. I guess I just wanted advice and support and hugs. I know people go through so much worse than me, and I have no right to feel this way or to whine about this crap, but I’m a really weak person, and this is really hard for me, and I feel trapped…
OMG hunni, I am so sorry about all of this. I almost don't know what to say. I am very sorry but my honest opinion is that your parent's are being emotionally abusive and that is wrong. Very wrong. You should love your child for who they are, not put them through pain and suffering like you are going through right now. I know that having a disorder is hard especially an anxiety disorder like that (I have one also) but you really need to find someone who will help you with your parents. When it comes to the drugs, well I have Bipolar Disorder and am on Lithium. I used to abuse the Lithium because of the "numb" feeling it gave me. A way to escape, the same as you. But hunni let me tell you that drugs (especially the ones that you are taking) can and will ruin your life. My dad was a drug addict and it tore me to pieces to watch him slowely die inside. You are not wasting any of our time. We are all here to listen help and support you in any way we can. In honest to god truth I think you should consider calling someone to help you out, maybe a crisis team? I know that crisis teams here have to keep things confidential unless you or someone else is in immediate physical danger so...I am so sorry that you are going through this and I am sorry that I don't have a whole lot to say. But my heart goes out to you.
=) *Hugs* You can PM me if you would like to talk, I will be on for a while.
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
Maybe my parents are just being hoenst, but still. Idk... it bothers me. I'm not sure how to get them to talk. They get mad if I ask them to family therapy, they might go, but they won't listen, and afterwards they'll tell me everything I said was complete bs, so I really don't think there is much I can do to get them to stop...
Aw hunni I am sorry. If you are putting someone down like they are, that is not being honest, that is being plain rude, abusive and mean. Things like that hurt when people say them to us, but they hurt a million times more when they are are own parents. Yes it's hard to get someone to stop their own behaviour, but sweeti the thing to remember is that you can't control the way other people talk and/or act towards you, as much as we want to sometimes. I am here to listen if you would like to talk.
=) *BIG Hugs*
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
Hunni, I can't say whether they would or not. What I can tell you is that it's not a good idea. You can get through this, I know you can, you are strong sweeti. Hang in there, you can do it.
=) *Hugs*
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
I don't know you. But you ARE important. I know this doesn't help much but depression does drive away a lot of people. If you feel so down on yourself, it is hard for people to like you. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, it means that you're ill, and your illness scares people away because they don't understand it. Very few people do understand it, who haven't been there themselves. Depression also makes us push people away even though we want to be close to others. There's nothing wrong with YOU as a PERSON. There's something physically and mentally wrong, but it's NOT PERMANENT. I know this is so corny but it's always remained true for me - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't feel like you will EVER feel better. But you will. I speak from experience. I went through lots of different medications, many therapists, and I just got worse and worse, I wanted to die every day. But then I found the right medication at the right dosage and even though things aren't 100% better yet, and that will take time, I don't want to die any more, I am able to laugh, smile, enjoy myself... all those things I thought I couldn't do again and you can get there too.
Hang in there. You are worth it. You have friends and a great boyfriend, so you must be a lovely person deep down for them to like you so much. Once you've gotten a new psychiatrist things will get a bit easier. There are always people here to talk to.
s a r a h
* pm me * eating disorders info *
"Between two worlds life hovers like a star,
twixt night and morn, upon the horizon's verge."
- Lord Byron
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