I had been having these flashbacks, one of them was of me (I was very little, about 4) sitting on a couch with my dad standing over me. He wasn't saying anything or moving, but he was giving me this look, that chilled me to the bones and gave me a fear that I had never felt before in my life. Then I had a flashback of me running to my room and jumping under my sheet on my bed. I curled up in a ball and held my little hands over my ears to try and block out the screaming that I could hear coming from downstairs. I asked my mom about these flashbacks to see if they were memories or just my imagination. She told me that when I was young, she tried to take me away from my father because he was abusive and addicted to drugs. When she started packing I ran to her thinking she was gonna leave without me. She told me to go sit on the couch and not to worry I was going with her. I did. Then my dad walked in and caught what my mom was doing. I tried to run to her again and he stood over me. That's where the first flashback came from. Then he told me to go upstairs (my moms friend was there too). After he thought I was gone he brought out a shot gun, loaded it, cocked it, took the safety off and held it to my mom's head with his finger on the trigger. My mom's friend looked over and noticed me looking around the corner, seeing all of this (I don't remember that moment though). She told me to go up to my room. Then she was screaming at my dad to not do it etc, etc. Thats where the second flashback comes into play. It's weird because it makes some of my current behaviour make sense, like my skittishness. Especially around men... I'm just having a hard time accepting it I guess. I confronted my dad about it but he said that mom was making up stories and stuff like that. Although when I asked him if he ever did drugs when I was younger he immediatly went on the defensive side and started saying that he never exposed me to any of it if that's what I was asking, which it wasn't. I dunno...
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
I think you should speak to someone about this because its obviously had an effect on you and from what your mum has said it isn't just your imagination. Do you think you could speak to your mum more about it and explain that it upsetting you. There are people who can help you deal with this but they can't help what they don't know.
Take care of yourself sweetie
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Thank you. I kinda told mom that it was bothering me but I didn't tell her to what extent. I am in the midst of trying to set up therepy with a therepist I used to have, that I am comfortable with. I am going to see her next week. So if I can fund it and we start sessions then I am definitly gonna bring it up. I just wish that I could remember the moment when I seen him hold that gun to her head but at the same time I don`t want to remember it. I am so angry with him for doing something like that and then expecting me not to remember it.
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
Its understandable you are confused about wanting/ not wanting to remember it. But in time you might sometimes as you work your way through these things you remember more as you realise that you are now able to deal with it which you wouldn't have been able to do before. JUst don't push yourself.
Take care and hope you can get the therapy sorted.
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Thanks. Hopefully I work something out also as I am really looking forward to going. I've been wanting to get into therepy for a while. I'm tired of fighting the SI all by myself. It's just weird that I would want to remember something like that. Another thing my mom told me is that when she had to leave me with my dad for six months (to go through the legal system to get me) she said that my grandmother used to come over everyday to bring me food, and she was telling my mom that there was always people there, passed out on the floors and stuff and that there was beer bottles and drugs and stuff everywhere. I don't remember any of that either. My mom also said that when I was younger my dad never let me express my normal 4-year-old emotions. She said that he always punished me for being angry and stuff like that. If my mom tried to intervene then she got hit and stuff. I could hear the guilt in her voice, it was like she was blaming herself for my SI. I couldn't bear it because I love my mom to pieces. Sorry to rant a bit...
=) *Hugs* I noticed your status says "Ill". Hope you feel better soon, being sick is no fun.
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
Is ok to rant it helps because if you keep things bottled up you are just going to explode sooner or later and its more likely to come out in an unhealthy way.
I think its normal for her to feel guilty considering the circumstances and if you can talk to her honestly and show her that you trust her and don't blame her then it might help her as well as you.
(Oh and thanks!)
xx
You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.
Your welcome. Well she def knows I trust her. I have told her about my deepest darkest feelings and we talk about the SI and such. I've already told her that it's not her fault. It isn't, I don't honestly know if it's anybodys *shrugs*. But my dad had said the same thing to me a couple weeks ago. Said that he felt it was his fault that I had started cutting/burning. He didn't really elaborate on why. I didn't say anything though. When my mom came out to me and told me she felt she was a bad mother and that if she stayed things might have been different for me, I consoled her. When my dad came out and said something along the same lines, I didn't say anything. Because honestly, I hope he gets a nice cold feeling of the same guilt that I felt for 10 years after he left me...I guess I still feel some resentment towards him ='(. I am hopfully going to PEI to see my mom next week if money allows so I'm gonna try and have a talk with her then.
=)
~~SW~~
**~~When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm to alive, and you're to strong~~**
**~~ If you feel alone, or just want someone to care, I will. PM ME and I will LISTEN~~**
Yeah watch to make sure your dad doesn't try to guilt trip you into feeling guilty. It sounds like he was very abusive and that you blocked the majority of this out. It's very good you are so honest with your mom. It sounds like you two went through a lot together and can really help each other.
