Triggering (SI/Suicide) - don't think i can do this anymore
i don't even know why i am writing this. i just don't know anymore.
i don't want to play, i'm too tired to.
i can't remember the last time i felt this bad. i just want to give up. whats the point in any of this. i can only distract myself for so long and then i just cry and cry and cry. i have relapsed really badly i can't even go more than a few hours without hurting myself. i'm drinking constantly. i tried to detox but only lasted a day. pathetic. i feel so lonely and isolated. if i killed myself right now no-one would fucking know. it'd be ages before anyone noticed. i feel like i don't exist. i'm so useless and worthless. its so hard to even think about leaving the flat especially when they are all looking at me, laughing at me. i know they are. i'm sick of having to make all the effort with my so called friends. i'd do anything for them, and yet its like just cos we live in a different city i am forgotten. why does nobody like me. what the fuck is wrong with me. if i died would anyone even care.
they wouldn't understand. most of them would just tell me to snap out of it. one of them would just go "i'm sorry to hear that". and the other would just be all sympathetic. i don't want sympathy. i don't know what i want. a few of them know about my self harm but only in the context that they think i quit 4 years ago.
*Hugs* Im very sorry for the way your feeling. Do you have any proffessional support? Im really sorry that your feeling so lonely and for the pain that your going through. You would be severely missed if you ended your life, so many people care about. Do you have any idea of what it is thats causing you to end your life? Do you know what it is thats making you feel this way? Whats happening for you. Can you talk to us some more about things? Im sorry that your friends are not showing much interest in you and not talking to you much. Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?
Your not useless or worthless and i know that at the moment its hard to see that but in time you will see it. Does anyone else close to you know about whats happening for you? Do you know what it is thats causing you to hurt yourself so much? Please dont give up, keep fighting. If you dont have support could you make an appintment at the doctors to talk about how your feeling? Or perhaps you could write a note to your family about whats happening for you? Please keep safe. We are ahere for you.
no i don't get professional support. i did a few years ago, or i tried to get proper help, but it didn't last very long. the doctors and psychiatrist didn't seem to take me very seriously. it was as if they thought that i was a dumb middle class white girl who was moaning for no reason. the doctor even laughed when i said i self harmed. so i quit.
as for whats going on with me. too much for me deal with. i moved here 6 months ago for uni and i guess it just hasn't been what i expected. i thought i was ok enough to come. i took a gap year last year because i had no idea about what to do etc.. i had great hopes, but i guess thats the problem i get my hopes up too easily. anyway. i guess i am finding uni to be a very isolating experience. i have only made a couple of friends, but they are going out with each other, so obviously they spend most of their time together.
i just find it hard to connect with people as i'm very shy unless i've had a few to drink, and even then people just don't seem to like me. even new people i meet when i go home. they seem to think i'm odd. and nowadays first impressions mean everything.
i guess i've fallen back into s/h because its always been a constant in my life. one thing i can rely on above all others. people let you down too much. but i know its getting out of hand, it's in control of me again.
it doesn't help that my friends back home and others who are at uni are having a great time. so i guess i'm kinda jealous. really jealous of their ability to make new friends, and just live. most are in big realtionships now too, and i'm not and haven't been for some time. it really doesn't help your self confidence. i've always been the ugly one though. i doubt that will change.
and because of my jealousy i get angry at myself for being jealous so i hurt myself.
i can't talk to my friends really. there is one i used to talk to, but we have grown apart unfortunately. i saw him a couple of weeks ago and talked to him a bit. although he understands, he doesn't. even though he knows what is like to feel depressed but i think we have drifted apart too much.
i can't talk to my family, or mess of a family. when my mum originall found out about my s/h she completely freaked and instead of helping told everyone she knew, which led to months of my sister treating me like i was an alien. and i guess my mum is the only real family i have got.
it's all hopeless for me. i have no gift. i try and try, but always fail.
sorry, this is really long
and i've had a few to drink
sorry
Heyy,
people would care if you died. I know it's hard when you're going through a difficult time like now to think positive but it will get better. You will get through this. If your not getting professional help/support then it might be a good idea to go to the doctors and maybe get some again? Take care xx
Careful you don't get angry about problems because its turns a person negative and it's like putting gas on the fire. You cant make yourself happy but if you keep a nice attitude and don't get soured things will get better on their own.
oh sweetie,
i can relate to so much of what you have said! the year out, uni, isolation etc
firstly i wanna say that if you died you would be missed, you really would!
im sorry you had a bad experience when you last attempted to get help, have you thought about maybe going to your uni counselling service? cus im sure they will have a better understanding than alot of gps with issues such as depression and self harm
i completely understand the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore, but you can fight this, you can get through this and you can be happy
if you ever want a chat feel free to pm me
xxxx
