i feel like i just keep going round in circles, i'm confused and i don't know what's going on. i was admitted to hospital in November because i became very distressed and affected by psychoses (linked to BPD/PTSD) and stopped looking after myself properly.
now i have become very distressed again. i narrowly avoided "admission" to the crisis team (i really don't get on with them well) this afternoon and they were talking about the ward again. i struggle to take the "antipsychotic" medication i am prescribed - partly because i forget, partly because the Controllers bully me not to, and partly because of the side-effects. i know i am rapidly going downhill and i know i need to stop, but i don't know how. my psychiatrist strongly feels i should take the meds but when i try i am met with a vile torrent of abuse from the Controllers (who are sadists, terrorists, fascists). i can't handle it. people look 2D and the realities are fluid and interchanging. too many. i just can't. i know they must think "what in the hell is she on about?"
anyway, that's not important. but i feel like i am letting everyone down, i'm a mess, but also that i am going against the Controllers and there will be a lot of punishment like in the past (six years). i know my care team want to help me. i have to go to the Twilight Project tonight and i have to take my medication at 7pm and i said yes just to get out of there, the Controllers were loud and abusive. and i have to go back to the day unit tomorrow so they can check i did. it's all very bad.
and i am supposed to not be like this. i have done too much therapy, had too much time and money spent on me, worked too hard. sorry for the ramble.
Laura, im sending you a big hug! Im sorry you're going through such a bad phase at the moment, but if you can, you really need to hold onto the fact that it is just a phase and things will improve. I can understand how you feel like your not getting anywhere after such a long time and that can be so disheartning, but dont worry about things like the time and money you've had spent on you - its well worth it and helping you to get better is worth as much therapy, time and money as you need. Im not really sure what to suggest about your medication situation - can you think of anyways you've dealt with it successfully before? I really hope your ok, let me know how things go xxx
thank you for the replies, dink :) and the hug!
i am still struggling a lot. i have support, i go to a day unit when i need to so it will be probably every day this week. feeling confused and frightened, i self harmed last night which i rarely do but i'm afraid to tell anyone in case i have to go to A&E. have psychology tomorrow, and i'm meeting my new care co-ordinator too, so it makes for a busy day!
Can I ask a stupid "have you been here" question about emotional states?
I've been up and down as usual for the past few months, but in a different way. Since about september i've felt different and more cut off from stuff or apathetic as well as going betweeen severe lows and medium oks. the thing is, I never cry, ever, i just don't. I did when someone died for about 2 days and that was a shock but that was months ago now.. anyway, recently i've just been going weird. My avoidance issues are back and for some reason social anxieties are here too..
Last ngiht I had college and I was fine beforehand, though i nearly got in a fight which is first in a while, but then at college i got really nervous. Was ok for the first part and then there were 3 lots of activities going on and we had to all swop around and move around and i wasn't sure where i was meant to be or anything and then i had to sit in the middle of the room in a group on the floor and i just started freaking out and wringing my hands and generally being very nervous.. managed to keep it more or less together (ignoring the work i was mean tot be doing) until break.. and then i just sat on my chair all break hugging my knees trying to figure out what was wrong.. i just wanted to run away or something cos i was shaking,, but no idea why. When people started coming back to class i started crying and just got my stuff and said i was going home.. the tutor followed me and asked what was up and i just stood there shaking and crying and stuttering and couldnt answer :( so i gave up and went to the pub, disociated for ages and stared at nothing, then got some fags and got the bus home.. where i pretty much stared at nothing and played 4 hours worth of solitare on the pc..
This really isnt like me on a general thing, but its happened a few times now (minus the crying) but i dont know whats going on..
I have an appointment with a psych assessment place in a couple of weeks as i went to the dr about something similar a few weeks ago, but was just wondering has anyone felt like this? or understand it? or have any advice or help or anything at all? kinda clutching at straws here..
today i still feel that detached apathy kinda thing, but depressive too. Like whats the point in anything anymore? but its not my usual deep wallowing depression, its just, kinda painful blankness.
"Its fine.. salvation was just a passing thought."
i dont know whats wrong, my flatmates are pissed off with me because im refusing to say anything, i know they probably think im doing it for attention, but im not.
I cant talk, if i talk then everything comes out, everything i have planned, everything im going to do.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Bleeding angel, so sorry to hear things are so bad. Please hang on though and let someone help you tomorrow. I was having a similarly bad time of it a couple of weeks ago and i too had everything planned and didnt want any help as i thought no one could, but i managed to hang on and things are improving again - i know its easy to say, but this will pass. We're all here for you xxx
I felt exactly the same way, but it has passed for me and it will pass for you too. Be honest about how bad things are when you see someone tomorrow and let them help you. It might feel like it wont work, but give it a chance and im here to support you too if i can in anyway xxx
Hi
I think i've posted on here once before when BPD was a possible thing but on Friday my psychaiatrist told me that i have been diagnosed with BPD but because i'm under 18 they have to say it is traits of BPD.
I feel like everything is going wrong in my life. Its not just an illness like depression ,its something wrong with my personality, who i am. I'm falling apart.
After my arrest on Thursday i could really do with some support from people who understand what its like.
I hope you are all doing ok.
Take care
Becky xx
My RYL family:
I-used-to-be-positive is my big sister razorxkissedxwrists is my mommy alyssa.star is my sister phoenixflames_forever is my cousin concreteangel, helpmydeath, xxbeckyxx and queer fringe are my little sisters bob--says--hi is my twin
Hey Becky. I haven't been actually diagnosed with bpd but on meds for my impulsivness etc and apparently my pseudo-hallucinations are "part of the package" re personality difficulties. I understand. I am being referred to psychotherapy for my "personality problems". Hearing my psych put it like makes me feel inherently defective, something wrong with my very core. Take care!
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Yeah, it's horrible being told that your personality is wrong, it made me feel totally crap, but we're all here for you becky and for each other :) xxx
