Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Hate.

[moonlet]

I hate him so much. I hate them. I hate her. I'm starting to hate everyone. I feel like my life is so messed up after this last time. The rape has been making my life hell, my mental health has deteriorated even more, it feels like everyday I am in danger of losing my boyfriend, I dropped my classes after my father paid over $600 for it, there's been many many times where I've just wanted to call up the detective working on my case and drop all of the charges because I just want to hide. I'm hanging by a thread. And I have been for about a month now. Each day it gets thinner and thinner and I'm pretty much at the end now. I'm angry that he did this to me, that he is doing this to my life. And I'm angry at myself for letting him affect me this way! My arms look horrid now because I wanted to... end it.... the other night and I laid on the floor bleeding... and got frustrated because AGAIN I couldn't do it and so I just kept cutting... up and down. There's SO much that has been going on after this happened (the day after thanksgiving of 08) and it just keeps going downhill and I'm trying to hang on but I really am losing hope. Everyone just keeps saying "Go back to the hospital" and THAT frustrates me because that has become their response to everything now. It's either "Did you take your medicine", "Take some medicine", or "I think you need to go back to the hospital". I'm sick of it. I hate him. I hate him.

[ghosts in the machine]

I had a lot of hate too. Still do actually, and I think you're right to be frustrated at people's responses; no amount of medication is going to change that.

Do you have any support, a counsellor or therapist you could talk this over with? Keeping our feelings inside... well, it's destructive in the end, and I know counselling has been extremely helpful for me to sort out everything that was going round in my head.

Barring that, maybe there are some other ways you can express your feelings through? Artwork, beating up a pillow, ripping up paper - they can help sometimes.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this, it's horrible. *offers hugs* We'll be here for you if you want to keep posting. Take care xx