Possibly Triggering - 19 months 1 week 3 days *my story sort of*
So it's been 19 months 1 week and 3 days since I last self-harmed. I guess I just wanted to post to show people that it can be done.
2 years ago my self-harm was at it's worst - I was in 1st year at uni and being away from my parents meant there was no one really for me to worry about hurting. On top of that new 'freedom' I didn't settle into uni as easily as everyone around me seemed to be able to. Although I'd been SHing for about 7 years by that point, it had never been as bad as it was then. I ended up being taken to hospital by my new uni friends twice within about 2 weeks because I'd cut and it wouldn't stop bleeding. One time I had to pretty much be dragged there. I nearly went through arteries more than once, and all my worst scars are from the first two terms at uni.
The last time was the day before my first uni exam. I was an absolute wreck. I knew I hadn't done enough revision, I couldn't get to sleep, and no one else was awake for me to sit with. In my exam the next day I couldn't take my mind off the cut - what if it bled through the dressing, what if someone notices.
I decided that day that I was going to stop. June 7th 2007. I'd had to start thinking about what I wanted to do when I left uni and realised that no mental health field employer (I want to be a clinical psychologist) is going to want me to work for them with scars and cuts all over me. I realised all the things I'd lost because of SH; I wanted to be a normal uni student - be able to go out in short sleeves, not have to worry about buying dressing and steristrips and antiseptic cream, not have to worry about bloodstains when people came into my room.
I spoke to my GP about getting plastic surgery on my scars and he told me I would have to be SH free for two years before he could refer me. Brilliant. Now I had a real goal to aim for. It wasn't an open ended "I have to stop this forever"; I could aim for two years.
I never thought I could reach this point. I'm not going to pretend that my life is perfect because it's not. And I'm not going to pretend that I never think about it because I do. Every time I see my arms I'm reminded of it and there are occasions when I have to consciously tell myself that I don't want to do it again. There have been some really hard times but I'm here. I have less than 5 months and I can go back to my GP and tell him I did it.
And I am so fu<king proud of myself.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
Thank you. I never thought I would make it to this point; there were times when it was so hard to get through 19 hours, 19 minutes, let alone 19 months. And it's worked out that in May I finish my exams and can start driving again (had a seizure last May), then in July I get referred to a plastic surgeon. So hopefully I can get my surgery before I start a job so I don't have to explain about why I'm wearing long sleeves in the summer. Everything is all going to sort of fall into place at the same time. Lovely. :D
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
I can't believe I've got so far having felt so low. Tomorrow I will be 20 months free. Tomorrow I am celebrating. :)
In 4 months I will be on my way to removing self-harm from my life completely. I know I'll never forget about it (I never expected to) and I know it will always be a part of me, but once the scars are gone at least it will be a part of me that can remain in the past where it belongs.
7th July 2007
Hope is the feeling you have, that the feeling you have isn't permanent. (Jean Kerr)
