Hello to all who take the time to read…
I’m new to forums so you wont have seen me around before but I was just wondering if anyone had any general advice or tips on getting through my parents divorce?
My mum's been seeing someone else and told me just today that her and my dad would be splitting up within the next year and getting a divorce, I’m 17 and realistically probably wont be able to live on my own for a while so its going to be one of those ‘how to divide time’ situations…right now I’m just feeling very confused and numb,- I want to know what to expect, what feelings or situations might I face and does anyone have any advice on how to cope with them?
x
If you want to see the rainbows you have to put up
When my parents did this, me and all my siblings knew they hadnt been getting along. Sadly my mom and dad just didnt get on and we all stayed with my mom. My dad got a girlfriend and to be honest we all hate her... Im not sure if its normal but its always hard to accept a parents new partner. If you have siblings it can be tougher. I am the oldest and had to put up with questions such as "Whens dad coming home?" ....
Its not always to nice. It may depend on who moves out and how far away that parent goes... then they will both decide where is best. They shouldnt expect you to move out alone. I sometimes blamed myself although its not, so dont blame yourself. For now feeling numb and confused is always the general feeling. Try not to ever take a favored side as it can lead to always being biased and thinking badly of the other. My parents fight alot and often both say different things making the other look worst.
General situations and feelings I would sum as:
- Dont take a side in an argument
- Try not to dislike the parents partner.. We cant change them if they love each other
- If they feel they would be happier this way, slowly come to accept it. It can seem very confusing still after a long time
- Try and stay in contact with both if one moves a bit further way
- Generally feelings are numb, confused, upset, it can also be a bit distressing.
Hope that kinda helps. Feel free to pm
x
When my parents did this, me and all my siblings knew they hadnt been getting along. Sadly my mom and dad just didnt get on and we all stayed with my mom. My dad got a girlfriend and to be honest we all hate her... Im not sure if its normal but its always hard to accept a parents new partner. If you have siblings it can be tougher. I am the oldest and had to put up with questions such as "Whens dad coming home?" ....
Its not always to nice. It may depend on who moves out and how far away that parent goes... then they will both decide where is best. They shouldnt expect you to move out alone. I sometimes blamed myself although its not, so dont blame yourself. For now feeling numb and confused is always the general feeling. Try not to ever take a favored side as it can lead to always being biased and thinking badly of the other. My parents fight alot and often both say different things making the other look worst.
General situations and feelings I would sum as:
- Dont take a side in an argument
- Try not to dislike the parents partner.. We cant change them if they love each other
- If they feel they would be happier this way, slowly come to accept it. It can seem very confusing still after a long time
- Try and stay in contact with both if one moves a bit further way
- Generally feelings are numb, confused, upset, it can also be a bit distressing.
Hope that kinda helps. Feel free to pm
x
Thank you - that’s exactly the sort of stuff I wanted to hear - a voice of experience (:
Its very helpful and your very kind - thank you x
This may not be something you can answer - or it may be a stupid question but how long does it generally take for a divorce to happen…?
x
If you want to see the rainbows you have to put up
agreed, the more they want to fight over things the longer it will take. Also if they will be selling your home... that doesn't make the divorce take longer, but it continues the fighting as they try and decide which offer to approve, what to do about the house and so on.
The only thing I can recommend is be fair and civil to both of them. And don't let one parent bash the other one in front of you, because that's just getting you involved in something that you don't deserve to be dragged into.
Good luck... I was eighteen when my parents divorced and it's definitely a bit different watching your parents split when you're older. <3
When my mother and her long term partner split up (they weren't married though) there was quite a lot of them insulting each other, blaming the other person for the break up, talking about the others mistakes and imperfections etc. Then again, this break up was on nasty terms so if your parents are more accepting of what is happening, there might not be as much of that. However there still might be arguements, probably over you and who you are going to live with etc. Just remember though that none of this is your fault and you don't have to take sides or make any decisions about where you will stay/how often you will see each parent straight away. All this is best discussed when people have calmed down.
If you are confused about the situation and are worried about what's going to happen, then don't hesistate to talk to your parents about it. Just because they may not be on good terms with each other at the moment it doesn't mean that they wont want to talk to you about what's going on, why decisions are being made etc.
Take care.
Previous username: Miss-Ruby
R.I.P my budgie Bubbles 26/01/09...in my <3 forever.
agreed, the more they want to fight over things the longer it will take. Also if they will be selling your home... that doesn't make the divorce take longer, but it continues the fighting as they try and decide which offer to approve, what to do about the house and so on.
The only thing I can recommend is be fair and civil to both of them. And don't let one parent bash the other one in front of you, because that's just getting you involved in something that you don't deserve to be dragged into.
Good luck... I was eighteen when my parents divorced and it's definitely a bit different watching your parents split when you're older. <3
Thanks, its great to have advice from people in the know. I know every divorce is different but at least the fantastic replies from this thread are giving me some understanding and support.
Again - thank you (:
If you want to see the rainbows you have to put up
When my mother and her long term partner split up (they weren't married though) there was quite a lot of them insulting each other, blaming the other person for the break up, talking about the others mistakes and imperfections etc. Then again, this break up was on nasty terms so if your parents are more accepting of what is happening, there might not be as much of that. However there still might be arguements, probably over you and who you are going to live with etc. Just remember though that none of this is your fault and you don't have to take sides or make any decisions about where you will stay/how often you will see each parent straight away. All this is best discussed when people have calmed down.
If you are confused about the situation and are worried about what's going to happen, then don't hesistate to talk to your parents about it. Just because they may not be on good terms with each other at the moment it doesn't mean that they wont want to talk to you about what's going on, why decisions are being made etc.
Take care.
Thank you - everyone here is being so kind (:
I’m pretty sure things will probably be as amicable as possible under the circumstances but I know things can change as time goes on….again thank you…
x
If you want to see the rainbows you have to put up
I haven't been through it personally but I have seen happy and messy divorces happen with my friends (and my husbands parents are divorced too). The thing i've seen work the best is to be completely honest with both parents and never let them play you off against the other parents (bitching and stuff). Err... I've had a few friends who did a week in a week out at each parents place but that was when they still lived in easy distances for school. I would talk to your parents about it if you can and let them know you're worried! Like Dawn said (i only just notices that ooops!).
Take care honey :)
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I haven't been through it personally but I have seen happy and messy divorces happen with my friends (and my husbands parents are divorced too). The thing i've seen work the best is to be completely honest with both parents and never let them play you off against the other parents (bitching and stuff). Err... I've had a few friends who did a week in a week out at each parents place but that was when they still lived in easy distances for school. I would talk to your parents about it if you can and let them know you're worried! Like Dawn said (i only just notices that ooops!).
Take care honey :)
At the moment I’m trying to stay neutral - Its a bit odd, I think my mum expects me to 'be on her side' so to speak...I don’t mean she’s tried to make me be bad to my dad or anything - I think its just that as we've always been naturally closer she assumed I will want to live with her etc etc...Does that makes sense?
Anyway your advice (along with everyone else’s) is fantastic - everyone here is lovely so thank you (:
Take care x
If you want to see the rainbows you have to put up
i agree with the post above. My mom also wants me to be on her side, then when i'm around my dad he makes fun of my mom and wants me on his side. Its good in a way cuz my dad will try and buy my love (so i get more presants and stuff!!)
but i'v learnt I'v just gotta stand up for myself and say i'm not on either side. Personally i don't stand up to my dad but thats just cuz of our realtionship.
A divorce is a hard thing to get threw, espesally if you have to move out of your house. but in the long run its wayy better.
The first few holidays will be hard, and i mean Realllyyy hard. but thats just cuz you've had traditions that you've followed your whole life, and now they're changing and you gotta make new ones. My parents spilt up when i was in uhm... grade 9 and i'm now in grade 12, this past christmas was awesome! no problems or anything. the first year that has been REALLY good. each year got better and better. so just wait it out, and make sure you've always got somebody to talk to. :)
and don't forget you can always PM me :)
<3 goodluck
