"&+ everything she didn't want before,
is fading into everything she now needs."
-Brittiany Nicole (me)
"&+ She's Juss a Stupid Little Girl With Her Hopes TOO High && Feelings Much TOO Strong, Especially For a Boy Like Him"
-Brittiany Nicole (me)
"We're all damaged in our own way, nobody's perfect... I think we are all somewhat screwy - every single one of us..."
Johnny Depp
Thanks for all the comments. I was so surprised when I came back here and people were still posting on it :)
I do plan on writing more. I've just been going through a somewhat tough time right now and don't have the motivation to do anything. The next chapter is in my head, I just have to write it down. I have spring break in 2 weeks, so if I will try to get it up by then if not before.
Thanks again for your comments, they are so much appreciated *hug*
Came across this the other day and wanted to maybe try and continue it. Unfortunately I've been in a bad place for a long time and don't know how much or how well I can write. I'll probably post relatively small chapters at a time as its hard for me to sit and write for any length of time.
Chapter 4
I didn't pass out. In fact the whole thing was nothing like I had imagined. Dramatic. That had been the word I had always labelled suicide as. However the act of this overdose had not been dramatic, nor had the aftermath. My mom found me puking and crying in the bathroom around two in the morning and proceeded to take me to the emergency room when I told her what happened. She was quiet. She didn't seem mad, or even concerned about what I had just done. She acted as if this was just something that every mother and daughter go through.
I continued crying and shaking all the way to the emergency room. I was terrified. I was waiting for the men in white coats to come grab me and take me away.
"please have a seat" the nursing unit clerks voice brought me back to the present which I was slipping in and out of. I realized the past few seconds had consisted of my mother describing in detail what I had done nearly an hour ago. Yet there were no men in white coats coming out to grab me. I had imagined being raced into emergency, the doctors trying to pump my stomach and the struggle that would follow. But none of this happened. Have a seat I thought to myself, I just downed some pills, shouldn't they be doing something? Do I even want them to do something? My brain raced and my shaking worsened.
I thought about Justin and how he would take the news. I wondered if I would even have to tell him. After what he had just found out today he was already probably going to leave me, this would definitely push him over the edge.
I barely touched the seat before the nurse came out.
"Sarah," she paused looking around the empty room, then her eyes resting on me. "Come this way please."
She looked about 40, with dark blonde hair and of average weight. She led me to a bed and motioned for me to get in which I did. She started to cover me with blankets and my shaking began to subside a little.
"So you took some pills dear?" She asked.
"yes," I replied monotone.
"how many?"
"--" I replied.
"have you ever done this before?"
I had. "No." I said without a slip.
"why did you do it?"
I didn't reply. I could tell by her tone she did not honestly care. These were just the questions she had to ask.
"whats that on your arm there? That scar there?"
"oh..uh, I burned it with hot wax by accident a while ago, left a scar..." who even cared anymore. The nurse looked at me, she didn't care to press any further about it obviously.
"The doctor will be in shortly," she said closing the curtain behind her. My mom was sitting in the room with me but still hadn't said anything. I didn't plan on talking and I guess neither did she.
The doctor did come in shortly. "You're lucky, we don't get many paitients in here at this time in the morning. So I see you took some pills, why did you do that?"
"I was anxious about my science test tomorrow. I just needed to calm down, I had a headache as well. It really didn't seem like as many as I took. I was distracted." The doctor remained silent. Finally I stopped trying to explain myself
"Okay," he said. "Well we're going to need you to drink this before you leave. Its just charcoal." he stated as if it was something everyone drank.
He motioned for my mom to come outside the curtain with him and left me and the cup filled with black liquid sand. I tried to sip it but it tasted terrible. It was thick and looked like tar. Even gulping it was difficult. I started crying again. This hadn't been what I wanted. I didn't want to be here trying to drink this charcoal so that my stomach wouldn't be damaged. I wanted to be dead, and I wasn't.
But in the end I finished the charcoal and my mom brought me home like nothing had happened. I went up to my room and slept on extra pillows as instructed by the doctor "can you sleep sitting up?" he had asked.
I was going to miss the first couple blocks of school tomorrow but attend the afternoon. Everything was going to go back to being what it was like despite the fact I had just been in the hospital an hour ago for overdosing.
But more concerning than that was Justins potential reaction to all of this. I had decided to be upfront with him from now on. I had to let him know about what I had done. I had to get my tools back, look what had happened without them.
