Triggering (SI) - How did I get here?

Angelwolf · 19-01-2009, 10:08 PM

I don't even know where to start... I've been up and down with the cutting for about 9 years... I've been on this forum for around 2 but I've never posted before today. Maybe I was scared to. I don't know... I have a hard time talking about it- I don't know if I feel like it's inconsequential or what...

To be honest, alot of the time lately I don't even know WHY I cut. I'm stuck in this rut of apathy more than anything. I work, come home to isolate myself and I take cold meds, sleeping pills, heavy pain killers, etc just to get some sleep more often than not. And, yes, I'll admit I'm painfully aware of the fact that my boyfriend lives on the other side of the ocean in Liverpool, completely unaware that I'm slowly coming undone...

Because it's bad enough to hear the disdain and saddness in his voice when I'm crying over the fact that I miss him or that I'm so tired all the time or that I'm pathetically lonely... I can't bear the idea of the reaction I might get to telling him I'm cutting weekly again. He thinks I've quit. He thinks I've BEEN quit since back in October last year.

The plan is that I'm going to visit him in 2 weeks and I've just cut again... They'll probably be healed in a little over a week. The always are. I guess I heal quickly or maybe it's just that the surface of my wrist has become riddled with scar tissue that I repeatedly, obsessively cut over and over so no one notices when I add new ones to my motley.

But in that... I'm scared. I'm TERRIFIED. This will be the first time I see him in person. He knows they're there. He understands what I've been through in the past. But I don't want to see that look in his eyes. I've seen it too many times before. I've had the men I love hate me for it, judge me for it, ask me for promises I could never keep over it, cry over the state of it and leave me over it...

I don't even know HOW things got like this... I don't know how it sank it's teeth in so deep that it basically runs my life. It makes me sick... But, like so many of us, I don't know how to make myself stop.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My best friend just moved to Georgia a few months ago... Really she's the only one who knows me that well... But I can't put any of it on her. I have a problem asking for help... Maybe I just needed to vent. I don't know... I'm sorry for the disjointedness of it all...

bexie · 19-01-2009, 10:48 PM

*hugs*
i dont know what to say really to help hun
well done for posting :) its always hard to start with!
venting is good too it helps.

Maybe you could find someone professional (theripist etc) to talk to about the things that are hurting you like your friend moving away.

im not really sure what to say hun
pm me anytime you want
bex xxx

englishrose · 20-01-2009, 12:00 AM

You are always welcome post as much as you like even if its random most of them are. oh hello hehehe

I understand the not knowing why you cut iv been cutting for 8-9 years now and i can say sometime there is no reasion i just know i want to cut. I think its just learnt behaviour you know self-harm and even when things are ok thats what you know. if that makes sence.

Hunnie call you BF im sure he will understand and give you support it must not be easy being so fare apart. all it is that he can hear you can how upset you get but can be next to you to hug you give you that kiss and cuddle. Could you try telling him you have been triggered but dont the self-harm bit can you tell hin slowley.

Your get to see him in 2 week have that as a goal what could be better. Good luck i hope hes everything and most of what you expect.

Really where are **** guys out there and there are you babs if he cares he will unserstand make him i know that look its not nice at all.

Dont ever say your sorry we all need to blow sometimes. I know you dont like to ask for help but im always round if you want to chat or for anythings ok. Right be good on you trip hehehe good luck let me know how it goes oh and bring you wellies its raining bucks

Soor about poor spelling

Angelwolf · 20-01-2009, 03:14 PM

I did end up calling my boyfriend from work last night... And he didn't get mad. I won't say he was happy to hear it, but maybe happy that I didn't want to hide it from him. He's just worried about me. And I know we're both having a hard time with being apart. And I'm causing problems for myself by pushing away all my friends. But I realized last night that even still I DO have people that are there for me. And they would be closer if I would just let them.

I really do think I need to find a therapist that I won't lie to. And I might need to give medication another try even if that's a whole 'nother can of worms and fear. Truth is I don't know what's wrong with me half the time. Even right now. I'm feeling happy and slightly excited about my upcoming trip... But I still want to cut. I don't know. Ha. Thanks for the replies though... Somehow it really does help... And I feel less alone.