Triggering (SI) - Can't believe I'm here again.

momma_kitty · 16-01-2009, 09:11 AM

So over the Christmas break, I started cutting again.

I can't believe it. Then last night I freaked out because all of my razors were rusty. I was shaking and I had the chills. Upon further inspection I found a good side and I cut.

Now I am disgusted by myself.

Target Dawn · 16-01-2009, 10:06 AM

I would say welcome back, but I'm not sure if you'd appreciate it or not. However being here isn't that bad. After all, it's a supportive place.

I suppose that there's no point in telling you not to be too harsh on yourself because it sounds like you already are = (. If it makes a difference, I know how you feel. After almost a year free I started again in xmas break, too. Try not to beat yourself up (literally and metaphorically) anymore than your already are though.
Sorry I don't know what else to say.
(hugs)

momma_kitty · 17-01-2009, 08:11 AM

I have found a new substitute again....... I wanted to cut so I got myself another piercing. Good idea, or no?

*..life in pain..* · 17-01-2009, 09:57 AM

i don't know if piercings are considered another form of self harm. if you do it because you feel like hurting yourself then i think it is.

momma_kitty · 18-01-2009, 06:45 AM

Well I want to cut again and I find that I don't tell anyone because I don't want to make it seem like I want attention. I don't do it because I want attention. That's why I hide it. If I wanted attention I wouldn't do it on my thighs and I wouldn't keep it a secret. Why does it have to be so dang hard????

I got drunk on New Year's Eve for the first time and I regret it. Now I find myself always wanting to drink when I don't have class and whenever there is alcohol available. It's so messed up.

I'm at a bad place in my life. Plus I'm struggling with the fact that I placed my baby for adoption. 'Tis miserable.

Target Dawn · 18-01-2009, 10:42 AM

You ask why does it have to be so hard? I don't know to be honest, life just is. It tries to make things as difficult as possible for most people and it seems like a test, to see if we can survive. Like with that show survivor, other beings might be watching us to see who leaves next. Anyway, if you got a piercing because you wanted to hurt yourself like Irene said, it's self harm. If you like getting piercings then maybe you should use them as rewards for when you don't SI for 2 weeks/a month (whatever time you want).

fragile as glass · 18-01-2009, 09:03 PM

I was in a self harm unit on 3 to 1 and really needed to cut one day so I asked the staff to take me out to get my belly pierced which they did! It was one of the best things ive done! Ive never cut my tummy since and that was 7 years ago. The rest of my body is cut to f*** but thats not the point really. So I dont think theres harm in getting piercings

As for your baby, it sounds like you put its needs first and thought of what was best for it so hold onto that. As long as its for the right reasons which it sounds like it is you can hold onto the fact you have its best interests at heart.

Be careful with the alcohol. The last thing you need is another addiction/problem. As for things being hard. Life sucks at times, it really does.

leviathan666 · 19-01-2009, 03:06 AM

Hey there. I know its hard, but dont be disgusted with urself. We all fail sometimes. The fact that uve tries indicates something. Try to get over it as best u can and start again. U ll get there I have faith.

momma_kitty · 19-01-2009, 01:04 PM

I don't get piercings to hurt myself, I get them because I enjoy themand I like seeing the reaction I get from them in public. They are fun.

I've been so self distructive lately. Tonight I had sex with my friend who has a girlfriend.................. I can't believe I did that. I mean, it felt good because we spooned and guys usually don't spoon with me or whatever, but still. I didn't even want to have sex with him, but I did. What's wrong with me?

I was going to drink again tonight, but then I stopped and wondered what the heck I was doing. I'm so glad I didn't. I'm not going to get into that scene.

I feel good about my adoption decision because I know my son is going to get everything I never would have been able to provide him. I find peace that I put him above myself. It hust hurts so bad and it's still so fresh.

fragile as glass · 19-01-2009, 04:30 PM

Hey, I got my piercing coz I wanted to as much as all my other reasons. I love having a belly bar!

Drinking would not be a good idea because it can make you lose your inhibitions and do things that you wouldnt normally do.

Im glad you have peace around your decision to have your son adopted, it will make it easier to move on with your life.

Please be careful about having sex with your friend. You risk losing his friendship over this. Sex complicates friendships and there needs to be a line that you dont cross.

You sound lonely and needy. Are you getting enough support?

momma_kitty · 20-01-2009, 06:03 AM

Yeah the first time I got drunk (on New Year's Eve) this guy tried to take advantage of me and I almost let him.

Well, I've had friends with benefits before. It shouldn't be crossed. You're so right. I'm just upset that I'm acting so irrationally lately.

I don't think I'm getting enough support.

fragile as glass · 20-01-2009, 11:19 AM

You sound like you need more support (I dont mean to sound rude). One positive thing is that you have some self awareness and you are aware that there are some things about your behaviour that needs to change. Becoming aware and acknowledging problems is always the first step.

Is there anything that you could try to get yourself more support? I dont know what you have already and have tried to get, plus being in the UK im not sure what to suggest x