Triggering (SI) - Im sick of this

-Shae-Lynn* · 18-01-2009, 05:08 PM

Really, i don't know what to do anymore. Every single night almost I feel like I need to cut to fall asleep. I'll lie in my bed for hours nd can feel my heartbeat pulsing in the area where I know I'll cut. That is one of the worst feelings. You can't ignore it, you can't make it stop. It's just there to torment you. I said I wasn't going to fight the urges anymore, but I can't do that. They would worry to much, I can't hurt them like that.
I'm scared of cutting in a way. If I just cut for the hell of it, then the first cut hurts but all the ones after don't hurt at all. I go so much deeper then I really mean to because I can't feel it. When I realize how deep it is I still can"t stop because it doesn't feel like it's "done" if that makes sense. Because I'm cutting in one area, it's not bleeding properly anymore. I think it's cause I've cut there so much because the cuts themselves are deep.
I don't feel like I belong on here right now. I don't even know why. I don't feel 'right' on facebook either. It's like facebook is to superficial and I just judge everyone and then I feel bad for that. On here, I can't seem to do any good. I don't feel like I belong anywhere! I love my school and I have lots of fiends there, but it's strange... The gym I love but I'm haveing so many problems right now that it just doesn't feel right either!
I'm having problems eating because I don't feel hungry then I don't feel like I deserve to eat because I've screwed up so much recently. I'm in the gym 21 hours a week and I know that I need to eat, I just can't... I had to go to the doctor because I felt so sick and he took blood and I want it to come back as bad news more than anything. I need something to happen so that I can prove I can fight. I've been sick for 3 years physially and that is getting worse now too. I want to give in and give up!
The people I usually talk to about this, I don't think I wan to talk to. They all have their own problems and I just make it worse. I stopped seeing my psych because I hate her. Apparently, that was the worse decision I could have made, according to my head of program...
I'll probably end up deleting this because it's so pathetic, but thank you for reading this far,

xxhappydaysxx · 18-01-2009, 05:47 PM

Hey hun,
sorry things are so hard right now. Before bed could you try and relax a bit in other ways with might help you to stay away from cutting? Like read a book, put on a film, just chill out and relax in anyway which helps you. Have a herbal tea or something, or a milky drink can help.

If you didnt get on with your psych it would probably have been hard to open up to her, but there will be other people out there who can help you. Could you ask the head of program to transfer you to a different person?

Please dont give up! when the bloods come back there might be something he can do to make you less ill physically and if you are feeling better in yourself it may help with your state of mind too, because being ill always makes me more down.

As your in the gym so much you really need to eat. Can you try and plan some meals you could eat and enjoy? If its somehting you really like that might help a bit because its hard to eat stuff you really dont fancy.

Please talk to someone, I know its hard when your friends have stuff going on, but you can lean on and support eachother.

Im always here if you wanna chat
take care xxx

BeautifulMess · 18-01-2009, 07:58 PM

If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel when you can't sleep coz that's what it's like for me right now. I know it's hard and I know it's horrible but self harm isn't the only option. I agree ^ ask for help. Find someone who you are comfortable with; you can't give up until you've tried everything.
I've found that having friends sleep with you helps. You don't have to talk about your problems but if they're there, they can keep you from cutting and they may be a source of great enjoyment =)
Best of luck,
Take care,

Naomi
xx

Target Dawn · 19-01-2009, 03:24 AM

You have the right to see a different psych if you don't feel comfortable with one of you don't think he/she is helping you. You can request to see someone else and I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to again.

I'm sorry that things are so bad for you. I can relate to a lot of what your saying, especially when you say you feeling that the cutting isn't "done" so you keep doing it deeper. I wish I knew a way to make you feel something, to make everyone feel something...but I don't.
Please ask to see another psych because it sounds like you need to and if you don't, you'll be denying yourself the opportunity to get better.

rayxofxsunshine · 19-01-2009, 06:31 AM

i know how you feel - belonging is tough when you're fighting yourself over something like SI. I wish I could help you more, but right now I'm not feeling like a good person or useful either. But you're tough. The fact that you wanted to talk it out instead of just resorting to cutting means you've got the balls to beat this. Hang in there!