Pure Insanity

[Myshelle]

I've figured it out, I'm going insane..................

Maybe you could say I'm too wrapped around Joe, that I need to let him go, that I take too much **** from him. Maybe you could say I need to be in hospital. Maybe you could say it's my parents' constant bullshit that I take as a 23 year old when I don't have to. Whatever it is, I'm not here at all.

I've gain a little just to lose alot. I finally got on my own two months ago. Got my own trailor, lights, phone, etc. Just me and Joe to live happily ever after. Every weekend he would go to his mother's house where he lived prior so he could visit his daughter who he rarely sees. She still doesn't come over, but he did get to see her for Christmas. It's just an excuse if you ask me. He says he has things he needs to do, yet he'll get drunk and get pissed at his mom and come back to my house. Every weekend it happens again. Now, he's been gone for over a week. Now he says he doesn't want to live with me anymore. He says he doesn't like it there. Says it's too far away. He waited till he was drunk to tell me this over the phone the other day.

I've been off my meds for nearly four months now. I can't afford to see my psychiatrist since I lost my insurance. The first three months were okay, but now I feel like I've "flipped my lid". That's what usually happens when I'm off them for too long. The urges to harm myself and the constant suicidal thoughts consume me. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not happy at home and I sure as hell can't be left alone, especially since I don't have a car. I'm afraid of myself, of what I might do to me. I cry and cry to Joe to come home, but he refuses. Says he's still got **** to do. I cry on the phone to my mother to come get me and she takes me to her house. I'm constantly threatened by my step dad to have me put in Greil, a horrible state-run facility if I si again. I stay here at Mom's for a few hours just to be tempted to walk over to see Joe, who is only across the field at his mom's house. I go over there and feel unwanted, like he's annoyed by my presence.

If I just had a enough sense to do something about this I might just be a little bit okay. But that's my problem..I'm too passive. I figured going into a hospital might be the best option for me, so starting Monday I'm calling places.

I just needed to let this all out to see what it looks like written down instead of in my head. I sure as hell can't say it out loud, that would be blasphemy.