meds, have they changed you?

Kija · 12-01-2009, 08:51 PM

just curios if any one else feels like this.
i mean obviously meds can change things for the good. i'm taking quitiapene (spelling?!?!) and i know its good as in my episodes are fewer and not as bad. however i feel that being on them they've taken away who i am. i used to be creative, i'd paint, draw, write dance etc. now i cant do any of that, i have no creative motivation. i also feel a bit like a zombie! i've lost the spontinaety and creativity who i feel almost defined me! and that sucks, i'm asking to change meds, but because of how i am at the moment i dont think they will change them for a while.
i think the negative is outwaying the positive of taking them. i'm only taking them for the peace of mind of my family and close friends.
so yeah just wondering if anyone else has this problem?

Spoons · 12-01-2009, 09:37 PM

yes yes yes

i am on quetiapine and whilst they have helped mostly they have completely sucked the life out of me.

and people who ahve known me the longet have recognised it aswell, they say i have been drained of my personality, which is not a compliment.

it takes away the stupidly high highs but it also takes away general highs.

so your not high your not low you are just nothing.

i have been on them so long that i cant even rmember who i used to be, how i used to feel.

i used to have quite a bubbly personality but now i just feel grey.

Kija · 12-01-2009, 09:43 PM

grey, perfect word for it. i still get the lows, not as bad, but i think it tackles the highs and therefore the lows that come from crashing. but i still get the random lows. it sucks. and every time i have a slight change of grey they put my dose up. boo.
i've only been on them for like nearly a year. i'm scared that if i do change them and get my personality back that i will scare away the people who ive met since being on them.
just out of curiosity what dose are you on?

Steel Maiden · 12-01-2009, 09:56 PM

Things that four years of six different antipsychotics have ruined:

My handwriting became illegible soon after starting my first AP.
I stopped growing in height (I was 15 when I started my first AP) and as a result I am shorter than most of my friends.
I lost my creativity.
I lost my ability to stay awake at night.
I sleep too much now.

The Clozapine (the AP I am on now) is making it harder for me to run, which really hurts as I used to be in the London cross-country team. It also makes it harder for me to do maths, which also really hurts as in 2007, I came 260th in the UK for mathematics.

It sucks. The medication makes me feel like a zombie. But when I stop taking my meds, its police-car-and-ambulance-outside-my-house again.

Isoverity · 12-01-2009, 10:04 PM

I've not been on meds but I have my own business and found there is a certain kind of person on meds that I spot a lot these days. They have what I call "Prozac charm". Within a couple minutes of meeting these people they can start talking about the most intimate details of their lives. When strangers start telling me how much money they have in the bank and offering details about their relationships as if I was their best friend its sort of a sign to me these people are numbed up. Another clue is that they can be perky and bright on the surface but mentioning anything even slightly "negative" (and it can be a weather report calling for rain) really influences them. "Oh lets not be negative" is something they say a lot even about mundane discusions over minor facts. "Zombie" might be too strong but I do see these people are deadened to the world. I know a lot of people on meds and wanted to know what they felt so I once took some friends anti-smoking medication which was just an antidepressant under another name (Wallbutrin and Zyban for smoking are same thing). After a few days of that I cant imagine spending years on them.

Spoons · 12-01-2009, 10:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kija

grey, perfect word for it. i still get the lows, not as bad, but i think it tackles the highs and therefore the lows that come from crashing. but i still get the random lows. it sucks. and every time i have a slight change of grey they put my dose up. boo.
?

yes they do that to me aswell, as soon as i display any slight emotion they want to complete erase it.

therapists have said im dificult to work with because i seem to be emotionless so arent dealing with things.
that im too drugged up to find therapy helpful.

also its destroyed my memory,

Spoons · 12-01-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isoverity

They have what I call "Prozac charm". Within a couple minutes of meeting these people they can start talking about the most intimate details of their lives. When strangers start telling me how much money they have in the bank and offering details about their relationships as if I was their best friend its sort of a sign to me these people are numbed up. .

i find myself doing that, well it has been mentioned that i do...

( id ont know how to quote twice in one post forgive me)

Kija · 12-01-2009, 10:23 PM

therepists told me that getting me to talk was like squeezing blood from a stone. so similar there to! my memory has got more sieve like, mind it was pretty **** to start with so thats not such a big deal. its just the lack of me i hate. i dont like them "erasing emotion.
oh well. i spose i'm safer this way.

Kija · 12-01-2009, 10:25 PM

sorry that yours affect you like that steel maiden. i've had to stop dancing, i was training to be a dancer, its very hard. feel for you finding it hard to do maths and running. horrible.

sherlock holmes · 12-01-2009, 10:38 PM

I think the only thing that has changed about me is the fact I'm constantly tired. My short term memory is also slightly affected.

l'il esky · 12-01-2009, 10:41 PM

umm........not really. im on dosulepin and apart from making me even more sleepy~(cos they have a sedative effect) me and gp tried increasing them for the second time i was a major zombie and couldnt carry out meanial tasks even doing stuff i do many many times a day cos my brain was fried!!....funnily enough this was reduce again after a couple of weeks
im still able to laugh and cry so i feel fairly normal :)

ThinkingofRecovery · 12-01-2009, 11:54 PM

I'm different. I'm on Quetiapine. I have 200 at night and upto 200 during the day. I don't always use the day time stuff but my housemate says she can tell when I have taken my meds as I am supposed to. I hate the fact that she can tell that. Unfortuantely I am as low as ever but it does help stop my chaotic behaviour. I don't know. I feel flat, if that makes sense at all.

Pomegranate · 13-01-2009, 12:01 AM

In the past when I have just been put on meds (Citalopram and Fluoxetine). I find they make thinking harder. Creativity stops, everything became null and a big void. Not Depression, but just numbness and as soon as I exhibited emotions they upped the dosage. I stopped taking them but due to unbearable lows I restarted a couple of days ago on Sertraline. *fingers crossed*

Kija · 13-01-2009, 12:36 AM

pomegranate, my dad takes sertraline, works fantastic for him.
no reason, flat is the word. i was meant to take my quitiapene half at day half at night, i couldnt manage taking it in the day, i would quite literally fall asleep on my feet, so take it all at night now.
the tiredness is common isnt it!

ThinkingofRecovery · 13-01-2009, 10:35 AM

I like the tiredness, especially at night as I had chronic insomnia prior to being on it. You do actually get used to taking it during the day. I can take it while at work quite easily now but if i take it during the day on a weekend I go to bed and sleep. My psych said it would also have anti-depressant effect but it hasn't. Not on any anti-depressants as asked to be taken off the venlafaxine when I was put on this. I don't know what to do because the Quetiapine has helped with the sleep, calming my chaotic behaviour and helped reduce my sh but my mood being this low, still have the sui thoughts and urges so great. Don't want to be taken off it but - blah!

Kija · 13-01-2009, 04:36 PM

i got taken off my anti depressents when i went on quitiapene, as they can react together badly and make your mood swings worse.
i'm really low at the moment, tireing wearing a mask all the time. but hey. i dont think they'll take me off if till they've upped the dose as high as they can, every time i feel anything but grey i get upped. joy.

sherlock holmes · 13-01-2009, 04:48 PM

I'm on the max dose of mirtazapine and I still feel like I'm at the bottom of this black pit of depression.

The meds worked great for nine months, then just quit on me. Apparently that's common with mirtazapine.

I have emotions, I laugh, I cry but mainly it's just the blackness of depression I feel. I would prefer being numb/zombiefied. Anything but this.

consequential · 04-02-2009, 12:26 AM

Kija I have to say you are dead right about losing your creativity .I love art and painting and wrting poetry and used to spend most of my time like free time doing those things .Now its like zap.... all gone cant do it anymore .Its seroqual I take low to sleep and solian and I have become like devoid of all .I am not the person I was .And its hard cos I thought thats what defined me plus I was good at those things now I dont know what Im good at.