Triggering (SI/OD) - I am at breaking point - the final straw

[brokenforever]

I dont know why I am writing this - Im not really expecting any replies but here goes...
Everything recently that i had has slipped away - but its just all gone downhill so suddenly, its not been gradual at all
I am finding it so hard to cope
Last night I was so close to cutting and oding again... but my body is already really messed up after last time - so any more and it will be too much for my body to handle
But that thought doesnt bother me at all.
Anyway, last night I was so ready to end everything
I had just had enough and there was nothing -
Majority of my mates dont actually care - they have no idea and wont ask any questions or anything.
My mum and dad only argue with me and yell and stuff all the time
And then someone i really cared for had just gone... in not even a night i completly lost them, It was like my heart had been torn out completly
Like all the time we have been talking and stuff and everything that was said including "im beautiful, i deserve alot, im amazing" ect is all lies!
I dont believe I am - I have never believed anything like that - but this time was different - I was beginning to think better of myself but then it all slipped away and i hate myself even more now.
im not blaming anyone for what i was going to do last night - i just had so much to deal with and they are the main things but there are little things that happen which added
i have no room in my head anymore, cutting isnt working or anything
I just dont know what to do
When i tried to talk to my friend today and told her about last night and i broke down infront of her - she didnt even care - she just carried on talking about her problems!
That was the final straw - i am writing this now - im supposed to be in school but i left at half 1, i just didnt want to have to sit in 2 more lessons pretending everything is ok.
I am still mega triggered and ready to take the rest of the tablets - i just keep thinking maybe my phone will ring and it will be her
or maybe my dad will call and say sorry for everything - or park his lorry outside, come in and give me a massive hug and say sorry - no arguments or anything and he will keep me safe
Somehow i really doubt any of them will happen

I am at breaking point, but no-one seems to care
Vicky xxx

[GoodbyeMyLove]

Very, very well done for staying away from your tablets last night. I can only begin to imagine how desperate you must feel when everything just slips away, but you're still here and that proves that you are so much stronger than you think.

Maybe you could talk to your parents about just how desperate you feel? No arguments, no fighting, no accusations, just a serious mature discussion. Make sure to point that out!

What your friend did to you was a horrible thing, but maybe she didn't understand how serious the situation was? Many of us tend to play our suffering down in front of others, without even realising. Could it be, that this happened when you spoke to her? Perhaps you should give her a nudge and tell her how much this upset you as there is a chance that she didn't even mean to.

You're not alone, hun. We're all here to support you if you need it.
*hugs*

[brokenforever]

I dont talk to my parents about anything
My dad... well i cant talk with out stuff happening.
I didnt go to the tablets last night - but i still want to thats the thing
and i know this time my body wont be able to deal with it

I am just so lost
xxx

[GoodbyeMyLove]

Well, that seems to be part of the problem. Is there any particular reason why you feel that you can't talk to your parents? What about your mum?

You might want to take those tablets, but you wanted to last night and you didn't. You fought the desire to OD and that is something you should be proud of. It would however be easier for you if you had some support.

I'm sure there are loads of people who care about you, but you need to reach out so that they can help you.

[brokenforever]

Thanks for replying
I know i have to reach out at some point
But i dont
I dont talk to people about stuff
and i always just put on a fake smile and pretend im ok

On RYL its the only time when i post that i really open up... well more than normal
I just feel like there is no-one
Everyone i go and talk to - including my physiciatrist - goes behind my back and rings the school ect and tells them everything
Its not the schools buisness

I trusted a couple of people - and there is no1 anymore. They all leave...

xxx