I really am sorry to do this, I hate asking for support, especially now because I haven’t really been around in months and most definitely haven’t helped anyone and for that I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t deserve support but I could really use, well anything right now.
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up crying. I’ve been trying to avoid sleeping because I end up crying myself to sleep praying that something will happen and I won’t wake up & then when I do wake up I start crying again because I have woken up. It’s so draining and it’s such a horrible feeling that I thought if I just stayed awake it would be ok, but the feelings are still there. At least when I am asleep I get a little break from it all for just a little bit. But even when I do sleep it’s not like proper sleep, I wake up mostly once an hour and even if I do sleep past that I don’t feel like I have and I’m just as exhausted. It’s completely draining and I can’t seem to win either way; staying awake is just as hard as going through the things either side of sleeping.
I’ve started missing training a lot now as well, because I can’t bear to drag myself out of my bed in the mornings to go then and by the time the afternoon/night sessions come I’ve got myself in such a state about having to face people that I make myself ill. Whenever someone asks me to go out I make up an excuse that I have something to do/I’m going somewhere else etc just because I can’t hold myself together and I’ve never been good at letting people in & letting people see that I’m not ok. I just don’t ever want to see anyone because I’m in such a mess and I just have no idea how to get myself out of it. I’ve never felt this bad, for such a long period before and I can’t see a way out at all. Most of the time I spend thinking about dying, when I’m driving anywhere I can’t help but wish someone would crash into me, that they’d be fine but I wouldn’t, just because I don’t have the courage to end it myself.
I know somewhere inside that I should go and talk to someone but the last time I was seeing a counsellor he told my mum & dad about everything but there really was no need, I wasn’t in danger or anything. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents anyway so this really didn’t help things. And I know that not all of them will be like that but I just don’t have the strength or the courage to try again, I’m not ready to yet.
I don’t really know what I expect anyone to say to this, or what I want really. Just anything? I’m not sure I can get through it this time.
hey,,
firstly *hugs*, sounds like you have so much going on for you atm, its not surprising youre drained.
Is there one person you feel you could handle seeing? Like I know Im not really good at letting people in, but sometimes I can handle like, having a friend round for an afternoon and watching a film... maybe start of with socialising in a very small group and somewhere you are comfortable like home, rather than pushing yourself to go out etc. It might help ease you back in.
I know what its like when a counsellor you trust lets you down. But if you are not ready yet, thats ok. Just have counselling as an idea when you do feel ready. And maybe you could ask them about confidentiallity, and tell them you find it an issue, due to past experiences, so you know where you stand from the outset?
Have you tried doing something relaxing for yourself before bed? Maybe read a book, have a warm bath... It might help to take your mind off everything and make you sleepy, so when you get into bed you don't find yourself crying yourself to sleep?
I really hope things look up for you. I can relate to a lot of what you have written, and Im sorry you feel so bad.
Try and look after you.
Sian xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I know the feeling of sleep being scary and then not restful. Try some natural things to relax yourself: yoga, meditating, bath, lavendar scent, cd you hvae memorized, movie you have memorized, book you have memorized (I say memorized cause I can't fall asleep unless I know what happens next)
I know getting support can be scary and not wanting to expose yourself is a valid feeling. But just getting the distraction fromyourself is sometimes what you need. I agree with the other post that a one-on-one in an environment you feel safe in will be a good way to ease back into some social situations.
As for the counselor, if you are under 18 and they feel you are a danger to yourself or need medication they have to talk to your parents. Now there are counselors who understand self-injury and that while it is technically being a danger to one's self it is a symptom of a larger problem and if it is not out of control they do not feel the need to divulge that information. Also, if the counselor was a family counselor they may have been trying to incorporate your family into your recovery but did not do a very good job. If you see a counselor again I would ask several questions before you give any information or fill out that intake sheet:
1. What type of information specifically would you be obligated to tell my parents?
2. What is your view on incorporating family into sessions?
3. I have had issues with confidentiality and counselors before and I am apprehensive about divulging information for fear that my parents will be unnecissarily involved. What type of assurance can you give me that this will not happen with our sessions?
take care
listen and learn
the universe speaks
as we crawl and crave
as we love and weep
there is no fate
there is only what we make
Sorry Kirsty, I meant to reply to this yesterday but didn't get a chance. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Please don't feel that you have to appologise for asking for support, you most definitely do deserve it. Maybe you cry at night and when you wake up because things are slowing down after the day is over or before it has started. During the day there's lots to keep your mind occupied but when you start to wind down you can find that you are thinking and feeling really deeply. Sometimes it can help to try to focus on your thoughts, set aside a period of time before you try to sleep to write them down, read what you have written and destroy what you have written or at least put it to one side. It's like getting the thoughts out of your mind and saying to yourself that you have dealt with them for now.
Self soothing is also very useful, what sort safe things comfort you? It could be cuddling a teddy, listening to a peaceful song. You seem to be dreading waking up and facing the next day, I can understand that, it''s very easy to focus on what is bad in life and what you are not looking forward to. Try to turn that around and as you are trying to sleep think about what good things you would like from the day ahead, even if you don't believe those things will actually happen changing your frame of mind can affect your emotions. If you start crying when you wake up try some positive self talk. I really think that you should talk to your GP about this, at least they might be able to give you something to help with your sleep. Your interrupted sleep is likely to be impacting on your mood also. If you woke up feeling refreshed then you'd be less likely to feel so low.
Can you try getting up a little earlier in the mornings? That way you would have more time to gradually get ready for the day and take some time to help yourself get into a better state of mind. Maybe having a bath in the morning would help to make you feel more relaxed. Do you enjoy training? Can you focus on what you will achieve by the end of it? What is it about being with people that gets you worked up? I know that it's difficult when you feel so bad and at the same time have to put on a face around people but sometimes it can be a relief from always expressing your emotions. I do what you do when people ask me to go out and do things but sometimes I just go for it and it's actually not as bad as I expect it to be. Maybe you could gradually build up the time that you spend around people. Start with just a short time and hopefully you will feel more comfortable around people for longer periods of time.
Is there someone at training who you could confide in? If it's difficult to talk then you could write them a letter. It would be good for you to have someone to support you through your daily activities. You say that you don't want to see anyone because you are in such a mess and don't know how to get yourself out of it, that indicates that you really should reach out for help. Maybe you can't see a way out of this but someone who has an objective perspective on your situation probably could. If you spoke to your GP they could refer you to someone and you could ask about the confidentiality policy before sharing anything if it worries you that your parents might be told how you are feeling. What makes you think that you're not ready to take this step? It would be difficult but worth it in the long run. What would help you to take the step?
I hope you managed to sleep last night and that you can find a way to reach out for support. I'm thinking about you and i'm here if you need anything. Take care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can only repeat what the above posters have said! First of all, try to relax before going to bed, there have been some excellent suggestions concerning methods to help you calm down. It's only understandable that things get worse for you before and after sleeping, as you don't have anything to keep your mind busy and away from those thoughts that drain you so much.
I understand that you're scared of letting people in, but that doesn't mean you have to shut yourself off completely. The next time someone asks you to go out just go for it! It's usually much better than you expect it to be and you don't even have to talk about anything personal. You don't have to let anyone in until you're ready, but at least spending some time with them and enjoying yourself will help you. Maybe this way at night you'd have something else to think about, at least for a little bit.
Whatever haunts you at night must be some deep issues that you can't resolve on your own. You might find it difficult to trust another counselor, so you could try to go through confidentiality and your past experience the first time you talk to someone new and then just take it as slow as you need to.
Firstly I want to thank you all for replying, I most definitely don’t deserve it. Thank you <3
I’ll try what you’ve suggested about doing nice things before bed and try to plan to do something small, even if it is by myself that will make waking up a little easier.
I do enjoy training when I’m there, and I get a lot out of it, I push myself and it’s a productive sort of pain. I like coming out hurting because I know I’ve done something right. It’s just the thought of going and having to pretend that everything is ok and that I’m ok, which I know I don’t have to do, but I feel like I have to.
I can’t really do anything about seeing anyone while I’m at home anyway. But I will think about doing something about it when I go back to uni. I really don’t know if I can go through with it but it wouldn’t hurt to look into it anyway right?
I can't say much more than what everyone else has said.
I just want to say this: If you ever need to talk then you know where I am. Day or night. Just give me a text or a call and I'll be there to try and help you.
I know how you feel. While I was reading your post, it felt like I was the one posting. You're not alone in this even though it may feel like it. I can't say much more than what everyone else has said, but just make sure you do something for yourself every day it doesn't have to be big or small as long as you enjoy it. Look forward to the day where you wake up and maybe things won't be perfect, but just a little bit better. You can do it, I believe in you. Hang in there love <3
if you need to talk please PM me.
wOW. i can relate to your thread so much. I wasn't going to post tonight, but your first post basically sums up how i feel at my worse times. I also hate sleeping because I hate having to wake up.
And wanting to be in a car accident, I've had similar thoughts. I don't want another person to die, just myself. So you are not alone. At all. Sorry this reply is brief. I wasn't going to do anything on here but I really relate to you.
*cuddles you up*
I'm so sorry I've only just seen this....
I can't really add anything to what other people have said so I hope you manage to take up some of their advice. As for talking to somebody, could you maybe find out about the councelling service at uni when you get back? It's worth a try and they most definitely can't say anything to your parents, you're 18 now.
Love you sweetheart and I'm so proud of you for making this thread xx
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
