So... like a week or so ago Drew, my husband, walked in me when I had just finished self injuring. He wasn't happy to say the least. He took what I used downstairs to his brother and told him to keep the item out of the bathroom. Stewart (the brother) about hit the roof saying, "why? it's not like it was up for her to use!"
Drew's momma just said, "I didn't know she was still doing' that." (background info: before Drew went to Iraq he told her I struggled with it, and she told me "well if I ever find anything that I even think is evidence that you are doing it, I will tell Daddy and we will treat you like one of our own and it won't be pretty.")
After that happened, (the episode a week ago) I swear, I must have spent 3 hours crumpled up in Drew's arms bawling like a baby saying, "momma is gonna be mad." (I am the type person that can't stand confrontation. It makes me feel So very small and vulnerable. I cry just thinking about it) Drew was very comforting saying, "that's when you tell her I don't need a lecture momma. I need your support." (and I was convinced momma was get me alone and lecture me) But momma has yet to say anything else to me about it.
But just a few minutes ago... Stewart had the "tool" down here, and he was playing it. And I was getting triggered, and Drew could tell that I was so he asked Stewart to stop. And Stewart was like, "What the hell? Dude... it's like having a freaking two-year-old in the house. I can't leave ****** laying around... I can't leave ******** laying around.
Needless to say, I completely lost it and started bawling uncontrollably and tried to run away upstairs.
But Drew stopped me because he knew that if I went upstairs I was gonna find something and "do it" again. (and he would be right)
He looked at Stewart and madly said, while he was holding,rocking, and trying to comfort me "Thank you so much" and Stewart replied in a smart ass way "You're welcome." ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to think, feel, or do. I feel so... weak, scared, mad, depressed, hurt, little, vulnerable, etc....
Last edited by BoundNoMore : 30-12-2008 at 04:26 AM.
We're all in the same game;
Just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
Just different demons.
I'm sorry that you are struggling so much right now but it sounds like your family really loves and cares about you. In that respect you are very lucky. Sorry, I really don't know what to say.
Let them help you.
Im always around if you want to PM me
It's the children the world almost breaks that grow up to save it.
-Frank Warren
Stewart had no right doing that. Some people have no idea about self injury and what it's like to be triggered. It sounds like Drew is really understanding maybe he could talk to Stewart and explain self injury to him or at least talk him into being more considerate in the future. He really had no right saying those things or keeping the tool around. I hope you're ok that must have been really hard. Stay strong hun.
Forget the risk and take the fall if it's what you want it's worth it all
I am so sorry that you are being put through this. It sounds like you have a great husband who really loves and cares about you. I think you should remember that and maybe when you get out of his family's house you and Drew can really start to heal.
*Hugs* I'm a little triggered so not very helpful but you are in my thoughts
"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
I feel so sorry for you hun but you are doing really well right now. Stewert had no right to do what he did, I imagine that must have been really triggering. But it sounds like your husband really loves you and is really supportive. It's good that you have someone you can lean on. Hope your doing alright.
=) *Hugs*
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
A little while ago, something else happened...... the momma called...we were talking, and IT came up and she said, "I heard there was an incident last night with scissors."
"yeah."
"Amanda I have told you before, I will not put up with that."
(she just made me feel about 6" tall)
I completely lost it and started crying.
She said, "I don't understand how anything could ever get so bad that anyone would want to cut themselves. And as far as being talked about, we are all under a lot of stress. You are in a place you don't want to be, and they don't like ya'll being here." She was quick to follow that up with, "but it's not because you are not wanted so if that's what you are thinking you can STOP IT!!!
I am more than a little confused. To me, "they don't like ya'll being here." sounds a lot I am not wanted.
So I have been laying down since we got off the phone... to try to sleep (but Stewart and Mana were WAAY too loud) and to try to keep myself safe.
We're all in the same game;
Just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell;
Just different demons.
Oh hun, I am so sorry you are feeling like you are not wanted. It sounds like she just doesnt understand SI at all. "I will not put up with that" is a useless statement.
Be strong :)
"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
That's why he could put it somewhere out of reach, unless this two year old is really effing tall I doubt they would be able to reach it from a really high table or something. I'm sorry that he did that, he had no right to. And I agree with the poster above.
Let's put a smile on that face
We are not alone
Find out when your cover's blown
There'll be somebody there to break your fall
We are not alone
'Cause when you cut down to the bone
We're really not so different after all
oh this an oh so delicate situation ...first of all i might not be the best to give advice but...if you si and everyone knows it ...it is very wrong for them to wave the tools in your face and not exspect you to feel any ways about it .. i mean its like teasing ..so maybe they need a long printed out list of things about self harm maybe they need to realize that you are a living human being that hurts ..not to be ridiculed ...i cant believe she said "i will not allow that " what does that mean ...you wont allow me to feel better its not like they are lietting you talk to them about it ..i read you rpost and you avery sweet compassionate girl i do not see how they can be so oblivious to the fact that your so hurt and their small little games like waving the tools and playing with them and then complainning when you get triggered ...all of that is alienating you ..and thats wrong...so maybe if you ..get some serious info and get like ap[acket with all kinds of info in it to teach them the does and donts exsplain its not just me being crazy its more than that ...."if thay are as understanding as i would hope they are" they need to be informed b/c as of now they think you are not making sense...so tell them talk to them about why you do this ...as they could be a very helpful assset to your recovery ..but my heart is with you ...pm me anytime or get me on msn ..im always on ..and you are a good person so be nice to yourself
k
oxoxoxoxo
paige
tonight my friend you will drip precious rubies yes precious rubies
RYL family ----> litle sis:anya...adopted daughter ----lostscared
-I hope this knife in my hand speaks for itself...
She's not coming back- quote by paige
My method is uncertain, its a mess but its workin'
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Rhode Island (USA)
I am currently:
holy crap. that really shows how people just dont understand. YOU didnt do anythign wrong. and you're not a 2 yr old (if anything i am) he just doesnt know how to deal. he probably thinks everyone should just "suck it up" dont let your brother-in-law get to you too much ok? you shouldnt have to SI over someones ingnorance. *hugs*
I'm sorry. *hugs* The way Stewart acted was really immature. You are very lucky to have a husband like that though. It sounds like he loves you very much. I hope things get better for you.
tonight my friend you will drip precious rubies yes precious rubies
