“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Okay here goes: *deep breath*
From the time I was very little until 2005, my dad (physically) abused me.
I've spent the last few years hating him. i couldn't even have a 2 second civil conversation with him. I refused to be alone in the same room... You get the picture.
Then in september I was at church with a friend, and the youth sermon was about Joseph (Old Testament). The preacher talked about how Joseph forgave his brothers who sold him into slavery. he talked about the need for us to forgive others, even people who had abandoned or abused us... That basically knocked the breath from me.
I managed to keep my composure, although I was really really upset...
I was at 2 of my friends' apartment that evening, and I was steadily getting more upset. When I'm upset I don't cry, I completely withdraw from the world... My friend looked at me and asked if I was okay, so I was like yeah... she said that she didn't believe me, but let the subject drop. We went through that same exchange a few minutes later... pretty soon i was sitting on the floor with my legs pulled to my chest staring at the ground. this time she didn't even bother asking if I was alright, she came and sat down beside me and put her arm around me... we ended up sitting like that for a couple hours, without me divulging anything, then I had to get back cause I have a curfew.
She and my other friend told her sister (who's the one who sat up with me for 6 hours that night 2 summers ago when I gave up cutting, and the person I trust the most). I told her I didn't want to talk to her either... but I was really miserable, so a few days later i agreed to talk to her and maybe tell her what was on my mind. I ended up telling her everything, and she told me that although what happened to me was wrong, I had to forgive him. I wrestled with that for a couple months, then in november I stayed the weekend with her, and late one night she walked into the room where i was getting ready to go to bed and asked "So... how're you doing with forgiving your dad?" i gave her a look like "how could you even ask that!" we talked for a while, and she challenged me to think about what the salanna would look like who wasn't consumed with hatred...
a few weeks later I called her and told her that I was really sick of this, I wanted to be free from it... and soon. So we came up with a plan: I wrote my dad a letter telling him that i forgave him and gave it to him on Christmas.
and now it's a daily decision to surrender all of those feelings of bitterness and hatred towards him.
So that's what's been going on in my life the past 3 months.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Rusty:
yeah, me too. :( more than actually missing the person who was my biological father, i miss the idea of having a father. and while God is a "father to the orphan and husband to the widow"...we have flesh-and-blood fathers for a reason, too. when i start really hurting over it, i'm always reminded of the tribe of Levi, from the old testament.
Genesis 49: 5-7: "Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations. O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their self-will they digged down a wall. Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel; I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel." As punishment for murder they were denied the portion of land that was their inheritance right. But later, when Moses went up the mountain to get the 10 commandments, they were loyal to God instead of worshipping the golden calf like the other tribes. After this event, they went from being the most dishonored tribe to the most honored--they still had no inheritence of land, but God told them "I am your portion (inheritance)" which is a phrase still tossed about a bit today though most people don't know what it means. Anyway...God's grace turned their loss into a blessing, and he can do the same for us. Though our biological fathers are out of the picture, God promises in the bible that he's a father to the fatherless--not that he isn't still a father to those with one, but it's a bit like the tribe of Levi in that he'll take special care of us if we'll let him.
I struggle with the concept of God as my father, however. The father I knew was a dreadful man. If God is like my father, what on Earth do I want to do with him? For so long I pushed God away, determined to do things on my own.
Kinda funny how that doesn't really work. God isn't like my father, he is THE father. And when I crawl into His lap, I can hear the words I've always longed to hear.. "My daughter, welcome home."
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Anon
"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. " - FDR
Being of the XY gender i have an interesting relationship with my dad...
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
Um, i've never posted here, and im Catholic, so sorry if i shouldn't be posting, but I'm just struggling so much to keep with my beliefs, my faith has gone, and i feel bad for that, but im just finding it so hard...
Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;
If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,
Till she cry "Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,
I must have you!"
Thomas Parke D’Invilliers
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Um, i've never posted here, and im Catholic, so sorry if i shouldn't be posting, but I'm just struggling so much to keep with my beliefs, my faith has gone, and i feel bad for that, but im just finding it so hard...
Everyone's welcome. =] Hope you find what you need here.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
