Years ago, I didn't care and would SI in obvious places. My arms are a mess of scars. Between 2002 and 2006 I did NOT engage in SI behaviors at all, a huge accomplishment. In 2006 I spiraled down into anorexia (again) and relapsed with the SI. I've been HURTING myself in various ways since '06. The difference is, it is much more secretive - I hurt myself in places no one would think to look. One reason for this evolution of sorts is that I don't want to drive away my boyfriend with this rather scary and unsettling behavior. I've already lost a husband - he asked for a divorce last year because he couldn't handle the ED or SI.
I'm curious if y'all think it is worse to injure myself in this secretive manner or a bit of an improvement??? In some respects I tend to think it an improvement because I haven't needed to take myself in for stitches or anything like that since I "picked up" the behavior again in '06. On the other hand, I think may be giving the behavior more power by having it be such a secret???
idk , i dont really hide my sh anymore , i am so so instatutionalised now that i used to people knowing ,
I guess if its not as bad then thats a good thing but idk , huggles xoxo
I tend to agree that with institutionalization comes this level of comfort in showing/sharing SI. At one time, this was the very definition of my life. I lived at a long-term residential facility for people with *problems*. Now, I am trying to live a relatively normal and integrated life where SI is seen as freakish. Sometimes I miss the walls of the institution, be it hospital or residential - but going back to that would simply be an escape and I must push on in the real world. But still.... I have weird fantasies about hurting myself in ways that would put me back in the world of hospitals, facilities, etc. I wish they would just go. Leave me be so I can LIVE.
Lately, I've not been keeping it a secret from people close to me, like my girlfriend, which I find very comforting, as I no longer feel so ashamed, and she can talk to me about it if it's very severe. And I've never really cared about people who don't matter seeing. However, if by showing it, you're feeling like you're becoming defined by it,t hen I can see how it would not be a positive step. I think when it becomes something you're very ashamed of, it becomes something that preys on your mind and makes you anxious, and therefore it can become a problem in and of itself rather than a coping mechanism, and by becoming a problem, it can mask what's really wrong.
Hey sweetie *hugs* I think it is better that people are aware that you SI to be honest, you don't have to show them or anything but then they can help you with it. I'm sorry that your husband left you but if he really cared then he would accept you as you are even if SI is a part of you and stay to help you through it. I know it is hard for people as they fully understand and it kinda tears them apart because they want to make you better but they don't know how to help and they sometimes blame themselves.
Take care.
Amy x
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
It isn't necessarily a coping skill, but more of a distraction technique for me. I don't know if there is really much difference there, but I am trying desperately not to deal with the fact that my boyfriend is out of town for another nine days and this recent increase in SI seems to be "working" as a way to avoid missing him so much. It goes way beyond that into a core fear of being alone and not knowing what all to do with myself and my own time!
I do tell my T about the SI, and usually I tell my caseworker/mentor, but family, friends, boyfriend do not know - as far as I can tell, that is. Boyfriend may very well be aware and just not know what to say or do.
I am going out to a movie with a friend in a bit, so hopefully that will take my mind off things for awhile.
when i started i hid it..
then after 6 months of not SI-ing i didnt really care, adn would make up excuses
but after my parenst found out i'v tried to hide it as best i can if i slip up or whatev
