You make me smile so much, you've made me happier these last couple of months than I have been in a long while. You're amazing. But... I'm scared you're not going to want to know me, scared you'll hate me. And I'm terrified of what will happen if things change at all, please please don't let that happen. I'd miss you too much. I missed you when you were away, it was tearing me apart. Don't want to lose you.
I wish you would stop confiding in me, trusting me...telling me you care.
It just encourages my unrealistic hopes.
I don't see how I'm ever going to stop loving you.
...............
It made me really angry when you said, "She shouldn't be telling people that; it's a confidentiality issue."
Don't you trust me? She trusts me. A lot. she tells me thinks she doesn't tell anyone else. And she knew I wouldn't spread the word.
so, stfu.
I love you so much. I wish I could explain how much but for now you are just going to imagine a heart in California expanding until it is touching all the surface area of the world. You'd think it would stop there but it doesn't. You'd think the growth would be impeded by the atmosphere and/or gravity but to that I say "fuck gravity!" It's just gonna keep going. There's nothing you could possibly say or do (or not say or not do) that could make me love you any less.
I'm really sorry for last night. It's not your fault. It's mine. The problem isn't that your a bad friend, but that your a good friend. That is the best problem to have. Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean you don't help. As you pointed out, Linds doesn't really care for me. If you weren't there for me, I wouldn't be typing this. Your the best friend I've ever had. You know more about me than anyone and yet you still love me. I've waited all my life for something as good as this.
Thank you for making me happy. Yes, I said it: HAPPY. You do! But you are one influence. I have several others that accomplish the opposite, including myself. I've never discussed my self-hate with you but that is a huge influence. So don't think bad about yourself. Not now, not ever. You are much too amazing for that. *hugs* You are my superman. I don't expect you to be Jesus, but you are the best thing to ever come into my life. I will do whatever I can not to lose you.
*BIG OLE GINORMOUS HUGS*
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight,
Why am I trying to see, when there ain't nothing in sight,
Why am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try,
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die.
Truth is, I'm really struggling. It hurts to smile and it's so very hard to wake up in the morning. I pretend to be happy and recovered because I'm tired of being a burden on everyone but really it hurts with every breath I take.
My -she- died she took my strength with her. This christmas I want to be with her...I want to be dead.
and yes I was crying! yes I do want to hurt myself and no I can't tell you. I'm sorry.
Why do I keep having dreams about you? It just hurts. That's all it does. Do you even understand what kind of suffering I've been through for you? You remember that 4th of July? THAT's the kind of suffering I'm talking about. Do you think that was an isolated incident? You'd be remiss to think so. I LOVE YOU. I always will. But, inside...Im screaming. I was willing to go this far for you because I truly loved you! What does that matter, now? What does it matter...?
I hate you for what you've done to me. And I hate you even more because I can't articulate this hate, it just chokes me - and you think I'm overreacting and 'using it as a weapon' and whatever other excuse you can think of to try and shift the blame.
I hate you because you make me think I've done something wrong when, somewhere within me, I know you're in the wrong. I hate you because you make me feel so clingy and worthless. I can't even get changed in front of you now. You're two people, and I can't stand one side of you.
I hate you because you leave when I'm at my weakest. You call me stubborn, when you're the stubborn one.
I get so fustrated at you, always making me out to be the b*tch. Thinking you can blame everything on my insecurities. I hate the way you used to be, and I hate the way you lie to me. The way you decieve me. And the way you never realise how much you hurt me.
I hate you because I love you too much to tell you to stop f*cking me around.
Somewhere, you're out there, living your life and living your dream. Was I ever in that dream? How seriously did you think I took it when you told me 'someday'? I clung to that so hard. I still do. I can't let go of you, because you are my everything. My raison d'etre. sigh...
Why can't it all just go away...all I am is a collection of mistakes and humilation.
Why on earth did you people feel the urge to save me...look at the end result all I am is a freak.
To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting-E. E. Cummings
RYL Family
duchesskrow-is my duck sister
*Fallen*Stars*-Is my sister
BandGeek-is my Band Roadie
bubble-car is my little sister
Not now, not ever. You are much too amazing for that. *hugs* You are my superman. I don't expect you to be Jesus, but you are the best thing to ever come into my life. I will do whatever I can not to lose you.
