i relapsed again, stupid me but goes along with how i always seem to screw up. i can't tell my parents they will probaly disown me i really don't under stand them they are confusing and they are strange they wanna be like all supportive and that but then they can't handle the truth. the first time i went into clinic my dad like laid a whole guilt trip on me like what was i thinking didn't i know how this was affecting my mom and my brother then they like tried to convince me not to go but i was like whatever they don't want anything to do with my life. like everything is my fault it took me a year and a half to pay off my first visit. when i counselor wanted a conjoint my parents got all angry and defensive and i wasn't even blaming them for anything i just wanted help. 2 years later i landed in clinic again they still wouldn't pay so i am stuck with paying that off at the moment had to quit my studies and all so i could work and earn some money. but now they are like oh we want to help you so you can live at home for free while you paying off all your debt which is fine i don't need their money at least then i don't owe them anything. i mean i am grateful that they lettting me live here an all it helps alot but they think that this is all a choice and i must like choose to be happy an all that except it's not that easy.
i totally feel like sometimes things would be easier if i was just dead but i don't wanna die but i don't really wanna live either thing it's in my mind all the time like i'm not suicidal but i don't really see the point to living really everything is such a screwup, i'm such a screwup like nothing i do is ever right. so i relapse and my parents get mad so then i don't tell them and they get mad cause i'm lying to them. i try not to cut in obvious places i have scars all over my arms but in SA people don't realy know much about self harm so i don't get asked to many questions. my parents reckon that if i'm in short sleeves and shorts then i'm not cutting but i wouldn't dare wear a costume. i feel like such a failure cause i haven't achieved like everything that my brother has he is such the little blue eyed boy and i never make the grade it's really hard. so i really wonder what is the point i'm not making a difference in anybody's life even the stuff that i am good at is all a lie i just pretend to be all confident and stuff so that people don't ask questions cause if people don't ask questions then i don't have to explain myself and people can't reject me. it gets really lonely here there. i told a friend today that i relapsed but she didn't say much just that she was glad that i told her and she promised not to say anything in group.
i don't know anymore i think about death all the time like what if i die now then i think well that wouldn't be so bad would it, then i think of like all these creative ways that i could kill myself but then i would just be giving the satisfaction to everybody out there who wishes that i was rather dead. maybe i should just die then every1 will be happy and i won't be anyones problem anymore and then i can't ruin anything like i always do. anyway i am rambling now. wanna cut so bad and i have to see my counselor tomorrow and she's probally gonna ask and i don't know whether i should lie or just be honest for once.
Freedom from addiction, freedom from pain. The suffering is worth the life I live now.
I sorry, i couldn't read all of that, im not very good at reading long things, its too hard, but what for i read of it, *hugs*
Im sorry you are getting a hard time off your parents, but death is not better.
Think about how your mum + dad will feel, if not from loosing a child who im sure they love, but in having to tell your sibling(s) that their sister died.
Think how everyone will feel.
Who tells your friends you are dead?
And in regards to the last bit, tell your counseller, she can help.. :)
If you tell the truth, you are more likely to make a breakthrough, then you might be able to get help.
Oh, just said that twice.
nevermind.
*hugs*
Alice
xxx
Last edited by IceBerg : 17-12-2008 at 10:46 PM.
Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart, and the fall through the air of a true, wise friend called Piggy.
If we dont get home soon, we'll be barmy..
thanks but i'm sure my parent sometimes wished i was dead then they wouldn't have to hassle with me all the time and i don't really have any friends so there would be no1 to tell. i don't know just feels like maybe this world is not for me maybe i am supposed to be somewhere else who knows
will think about chatting to my counselor but whenever i talk with her it gets so intellectual or really deep and feel like an 8 year old again all terrified and unable to change anything
Freedom from addiction, freedom from pain. The suffering is worth the life I live now.
im sure your parents dont wish you dead.
regards your counseller, if it gets intellectual could you just say, sorry im finding this really hard, can we be a little less deep?
It might work, and just help that bit more, she shouldnt be put out! its her job to try and help people, she might be trying to talk to you as an adult so you arent being belittled.
Edit: And you do have friends!! You have people here, like me :) ((well, ifyou wanna be my friend :P ))
x
Last edited by IceBerg : 17-12-2008 at 10:56 PM.
Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart, and the fall through the air of a true, wise friend called Piggy.
If we dont get home soon, we'll be barmy..
i'm sure your parents don't wish you were dead. and i agree with the person above about the counselor, just mention that it's getting and little too deep. i'm sure they'd understand. and don't forget about all the people on ryl that care about you :) i don't know you but i definately care :heart: stay safe xx
I agree with Iceberg, you should tell your counselor that you aren't ready to talk about certain personal issues yet, if you have a professional counselor, they will understand. I'm sure your parents love you very much, they probably just don't know how to handle a child who hurts themselves which can give off the impression that they don't care about you (my parents do this to me). You won't be giving anyone satisfaction if you kill yourself, your parents would probably blame themselves and it would ruin their lives, plus you never know, in the future you may be SI free and happy. Please try to hang in there, if you ever want a friend or someone to talk to, my PM box is always open.
Dregs:
noun plural -The worst and lowest part of something
"maybe i should just die then every1 will be happy....."
maybe...but, i wouldn't be happy if you died
and im sure im not the only one
we care about you
hugs and loves
k
“And with one final hack at the skin like a musician, he sang songs of truth to the Earth. Drip, drip, drip, and all was well. Nothing changed, but nothing mattered. Feeling the trees growing through his arm, he saw the leaves fall all over and cover the open arm with scars of marginalization”
thanks so much guys, i have had such a rough day it really sucks had a session with my counselor but couldn't really speak much but i did tell her that i relapsed and how i was feeling. she said it's okay if i'm self harming at the moment if thats what i need to do to cope then thats what i need to do. i am just so over it all im sick of living like this, i feel like i have been riden over by a truck physically emotionally spiritually and mentally. anyway thanks again guys for the kind words i really need some friends there's noone i can tell here except my therapist but i pay her so that doesn't count
Freedom from addiction, freedom from pain. The suffering is worth the life I live now.
“And with one final hack at the skin like a musician, he sang songs of truth to the Earth. Drip, drip, drip, and all was well. Nothing changed, but nothing mattered. Feeling the trees growing through his arm, he saw the leaves fall all over and cover the open arm with scars of marginalization”
