.. so i havent been on in a while. I figured life was going ok. ha. but i was coping better. hell, i was coping.
now? not so much. i'm taking it minute by minute to get through the hour, and hour by hour to get through the days.. i'm urgey but am trying really hard not to destroy myself entirely this winter. I'm determined.
..but.. i kinda want to do stuff that i know i shouldnt.
my emotional shield has apparently broken. there are depths there which hurt. really hurt. the word hurt doesnt cover it at all. and everywhere people say "yeh thats normal" or else theyre saying "nah it doesnt matter" .. no it doesnt matter to them but to me it feels like my entire world is being torn apart and burnt up in agony and all they can do is say that fire looks pretty..
.. but don't worry.. I'm ok.
Hugs to all who need or want them.
"Its fine.. salvation was just a passing thought."
i'm doing okay, thank you Tinkerbelle and han :) feeling like i have a little paranoid anxiety at the moment; feeling like people are saying they don't want me around, even though they clarify otherwise. it's a hard habit to kick, taking things the "wrong way". so i feel like i'm withdrawing from people that i think are "sick of me" so i don't drive them mad, when in actual fact, it might just be that i'm a bit sick of me.
oh, but i have my heating and hot water now, which is lovely!
thank you both :)
Quote:
no it doesnt matter to them but to me it feels like my entire world is being torn apart and burnt up in agony and all they can do is say that fire looks pretty..
that's not a normal way to feel... not all the time, anyway. i guess everyone has times in their lives that they feel like everything's falling apart and they can't go on... but this way of feeling is often large parts of life for us, and that's exhausting. so you're not okay and yes, it sounds very painful *hugs*. (but sometimes emotional shields need to break... )
Sorry for just coming on and ranting.. I just need somewhere I guess where I don't HAVE to be ok, and right now here is that place. I'm actually better right now, more stable anyway, but thats largely due to just having come back from evening college.
My old T used to say "..it's understandable and needs to be understood" when i felt things. Well I don't understand my moods atm. The intensity, the specifics.. i can't identity a factor for the extent to them, even if for at least some i can tell what triggered it.. does anyone else get this? Any suggestions?
And whirlpools, I haven't read previous posts but having heat and hot water is always good so yay! And also it sounds like you're doing good with identifying that how youre feeling is how youre feeling, not how others are feeling, and i guess concentrate on that to keep you grounded to whats actually occuring not what you think might be/could be etc. And more *hugs*
"Its fine.. salvation was just a passing thought."
Confessed to one of the nursing staff that I had strong feelings for her, well I was attracted to her and that I was finding myself feeling jealous when she was with other patients. I feeling it's on the point of obsession and leading to triggering thoughts of self harm, as I am so desperate for her attention and her physical contact and cannot cope with the feelings of rejection. I was glad she did not run a mile but is willing to talk about it but I don't see how I can get passed it.
"I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same too so we are not that different you and I.
You'll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.
Tomorrowwillcome - well done for telling her, I know I find it incredibly hard to admit such things.. I don't really have much to say other than I can definately relate & understand.. Might not help & i know it can be totally consuming, but try to think of previous attachments/obsessions and how they have gradually passed by and things, it is possible and won't last forever! (Hope this doesnt sound patronising! It's not intended as such.) *offers hugs if you'd like them*
"Its fine.. salvation was just a passing thought."
They moan when i dont trust them and im not honest about my problesm..
Then the fuc*ing hypocrites go and do exactly the same to me! Everyone else in the house knows whats happening and is trusted to know...
But know not Emma because she is far to uninmportant and unstable to consider telling #... :@ Grrr. .
F*cking Stupid Familys =///// . Ahh
Hi guys sorry about the rant . Anyone else find familys use the illness as an excuse for treating you like Cr*p ? , its always the excuse.. Always.
x
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
.
