Mildly Triggering (ED) - Struggling with thoughts about food - please help?
I've never posted in here as I don't have an ED. And i'm not sure how triggering this post is for people so i put severe in case - hope that's ok?
But recently (last month or so) i've really been struggling to eat. At first it was because I was so stressed i just couldn't eat and felt sick, but now i'm starting to feel hungry but don't want to let myself eat. When I do eat i feel so horrible, i just hate the feeling of being full so much (but i don't purge). I just really like the feeling of being empty. I don't think i'm fat now and my BMI is the low end of healthy, but i am terrified of putting weight on as i used to be pretty overweight a few years ago through comfort eating and i'm worried that if i'm stressed i'll eat too much and get fat again.I have had a severely restricted diet for about 2 weeks and have lost a little weight.
I'm at uni and am going home for xmas next week and i'm feeling really worried about having to eat all that xmas food an putting on loads of weight as i always put on weight when i go home. I usually love food though and love cooking (i still do, just hate the feelings afterwards) - i just hate the feeling of having food in my stomach.
I don't really know what i'm asking, but i guess i'm asking if you guys think this is ok? I'm scared to say anything to my psychiatrist becuase i think they will just think 'urgh, another thing to add to the list' or that i'm attention seeking. I did sort of try and bring it up at our lasst session, i just said i hadn't much cuz i was stressed and he said i should eat (doh!).
Don't really know if i should tell him? Or how to go about it if i do? I feel really stupid. I desperately don't want more problems and want to enjoy food again. I'm 23 anyway so i'm too old to get an ED right?
Last edited by sopranonut : 11-12-2008 at 10:31 PM.
Reason: Title
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
Having some food to eat won't make you gain lovely.I think you know that hun and you do need food to function .Think of your body as a car if it has no petrol it won't work, same as to ur body .
Take care xx
A little angel fell into my arms at the 7th of december 2010
^^ Thank you for replying. I just don't think i can tell my psych - i think he will just think i'm being stupid. I'm probably making a big deal out nothing.
Last edited by sopranonut : 11-12-2008 at 10:34 PM.
Reason: changed wording
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
Anyone can get an eating disorder. On this site, it is true that the majority of us are quite young but I have been on other sites where I was very much one of the youngest - I'm 17. It is a real myth, but you wouldn't be blamed for thinking it! I wonder if by saying that, you are afraid and trying to convince yourself you are not in the early stages of developing an eating disorder?
This is early days and this is the easiest time to get out. I don't mean to sound patronising! You have identified what is happening and I really would encourage you to tell your psychiatrist. You don't have to make a big deal, maybe you could show him what you wrote here? He will be glad to know now, more so than if this developed futher and you got ill. I think it's positive that you sound a little concerned and that you definitely want to sort this out.
What is it that you don't like about having food in you? What does it mean to you, do you know?
Try and get some food in you. I was suprised about, after initially, how much food I had to eat to gain weight. You will be missing on lots of essential nutrients if you don't eat enough. Food is about nourishing your body, not just about weight.
Do you know why you usually gain weight at christmas time? I'm sure there will be ways to get around that - try not to fret.
You take care of yourself, my dear.
Lots of love. Miranda. x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Thank you for your replies Amanda and Miranda.
Amanda - I have considered telling the nurse at my GP's as I see her quite regularly, but tbh I might wait until after xmas and see if it stays a problem - as i said it hasn't been that long so may just get over it on my own.
Miranda - you don't sound patronising, the reason I am asking about it I really don't want an ed, i can see what it does to people and it's not something i want at all and i realise it would be much easier to sort this out before it develops into anything. I do email my psych sometimes so I could send him an email, this might be easier but as i said above i might wait until after xmas and see if it gets better. I do think i have pretty good insight into my behaviour and the way i am at the moment though.
I've been dealing with a lot of stuff around SA in my therapy (which i have weekly with my psych as he's also a therapist) stuff that had been very deeply buried. And it's brought up a lot of issues and feelings of guilt etc. I just feel kind of dirty when i'm full of food and when i'm empty i feel cleaner (i have no idea why). The other thing is that i think i'm trying to punish myself and punish my body for what happened. I think it may be just another way of hurting myself - one that seems less immediately noticeable and more socially acceptable. I'm a student nurse and so self harming is very difficult and i don't want to get found out and thrown off my course.
This is very hard to admit but I also think there may be a small element of trying to attract attention by losing weight - like i want people to realise how much i'm struggling?
I also suffer from a lot of abdominal pain (for various reasons) and in the summer cut out a lot of types of food from my diet to help (one of the reasons is IBS) and i'm so terrified of the pain as i have missed so much time in uni that i'm only just hanging on by a thread, and i feel that if i don't eat anything that's the safest way to ensure i don't eat anything that triggers it. I also HATE my periods as they are extremely painful and think that if i lose enough weight then they will stop.
I feel like i've been quite honest and feel embarrased - but i think it's important becuase as i said i really don't want an ed and maybe now is the best time to stop this. But then maybe it's also nothing and i'm making a big thing.
I'm sorry I have come onto this board and asked for help without offering any - but as i don't have an ed i'm not sure i can offer much to others as i can't really empathise. I hope that's ok?
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
