I use to be in all the shows, I always had the lead singing roles, I use to have the leading parts, after being for bullied for 3 years of my life, I will never perform again.
Me and my ex Sean play/write music together, he asked for me to sing for once, we've been on and off for 3 years and as much as i trust him, it took alot for me to start singing. He said I had an "amazing" voice and that I should go to a recording studio with him, but its starting to bring up horrid memories of my life back in year 7.
I joined a school which was well known for its performing arts and sports activities, half way through the year, it came to the first auditions for the show, and i passed every audition (singing/dancing) alot of the girls had a hard time getting in the play, and i guess they didnt like I got the yes straight away instead of seeing it on the poster outside of the performing arts block.
It was inter house competition, and i was representing my house in football, one of the "tom boys" of the year was on the opposite team, she wasnt really the loosing type. My team won 10 - 3, explains why i was always put in goal after that.
I was on my way home, and i saw all the girls of the opposite team, running towards me, not giving it a second thought I carried on walking.
I woke up in an ambulance on the way to the hospital, the girl pushed me in frount of a bus, because I tackled her... i never moved from that goal post.
A couple of weeks later after i thought it was over, it all started again.
I went to my locker to find "slag" carved into my locker, I'd never been kissed let alone done that, even though i knew i wasnt i still ran off crying, i guess it was a childish thing to do, but i just didnt know how else to handle the situation.
After every rehearsel, they would be waiting outside, after every competition they would be waiting by the gates, after every school they would wait outside the gates, I could never escape them.
It came to the show, as soon as i took the centre stage, i saw all of them in the frount row, as hard as i tried to carry on they would shout and taunt me from the audience seats, all because of a stupid football match.
I tried to run, i tried to get away, i tried to hide.
They always found me.
Always waiting...
It helped divert the pain somewhere else for once, the scars are there, no one else can see them, but i can, as if they never healed.
I would look in the mirror, the voices would never go away, I would punch my face till i turned blue, like in some sort of way it would make them stop, i just wanted it to stop, all these voices, all this pain, i would have done anything to stop that pain, i would never want my arch enemies to go through what i went through.
You never get use to water bombs being thrown at you, or your lunch being thrown in your face, the names never stop hurting, they never stop waiting for you, I always hated myself, always thought I done something wrong... I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me.
6 years on... I still will never perform.
Don't make my mistake, tell someone.
I was scared...
