I've been thinking a lot recently about my sexuality, and how it relates to my past abuse. And wondered what other people's thoughts were on the topic.
I now identify as asexual (and finding this in itself is a major relief - I'm not as much of a freak as I thought I was). Basically; I don't like sex. The idea of it just squicks me out. Yes, in the past I've had sex (consentually and non-consentually) but I really didn't enjoy it emotionally any of the time. I can't see myself wanting to touch other people *there*, the idea of giving/receiving oral is just gross, and thinking about sex makes me feel a bit ill. All in all, slightly repulsive.
And I think I've always been this way; even when I was younger, I never understood the whole "boyfriend" thing, and growing up I've never really wanted to date/get married/have sex. I've tried sex, and confirmed that it's not to my liking.
Recently I've stumbled across a forum where there are people like me. I've always thought/been lead to believe that it's the sexual abuse I've been through that put me off sex, but now I've found people who haven't been abused, and who think the same way as me.
Does anyone have any thoughts on their sexuality and how it may or may not have been affected by any abuse/bullying they've experienced? I know I don't like sex, but if a guy pressures me for it I will go along, because I feel like that's all I'm worth/deserve. But that's the abuse speaking, right?
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
I think it's great you found that identity, and you'll prob be able to feel more secure in yourself. I've heard other people say they're asexual and seen sites of people who are (w/o abuse). *hugs close* And I think it is the abuse talking when you say yes to pressure but at least you understand yourself more. Maybe now you can work on saying no more? <3
I identify as asexual as well and it is something my boyfriend and I have to work with in our relationship. I have no desire for the sex related things, but I do have the desire to have a long term companion.
I really have no idea if my sexuality has been at all affected by my past abuse. It started when I was so little, that I really had no chance to develop that way beforehand.
There are so many resources on the internet. I don't have any on hand at the moment, but there are tons out there.
Quote:
I know I don't like sex, but if a guy pressures me for it I will go along, because I feel like that's all I'm worth/deserve. But that's the abuse speaking, right?
That is just the abuse talking. At least that's my opinion. And people are so much more than just sex. You have many characteristics and needs, don't define yourself, or allow yourself to be defined, as just one.
It's great that you've found a sexuality to identify with. I identified as asexual for a long time, too. I feel like everything that happens in our lives effects how we are currently, and that includes our sexuality, so in that sense, yes, the abuse has an effect on who we are sexually. However, I don't think it can be as black and white as saying that your abuse made you asexual or my abuse made me a lesbian (that has been suggested to me in the past). I think that the abuse certainly was a factor in my sexual feelings, though not necessarily my sexuality as a whole, and it was not the root of it. I think the fact that many identify as asexual without having been abused adds weight to this argument.
I really have no idea if my sexuality has been at all affected by my past abuse. It started when I was so little, that I really had no chance to develop that way beforehand.
Same here, to be honest. Which is why I questioned it for so long. Didn't help that psychologists were going about how in the end I could have a normal, healthy sexual relationship, and every time I pointed out that I didn't like sex they just said it was because of the abuse.
And rosamunde - I've had people "explain" to me too that abuse turns you gay and that's why they thought I "liked" girls. People are just strange I think.
Last edited by ghosts in the machine : 27-11-2008 at 03:46 PM.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Agreeing with above-- that when you know you don't like hooking up with a guy but you feel you must go along with it anyway, that's most likely due to abuse. Or at least, has nothing to do with your own sexual orientation, with what's coming from you, it's not about your own desires.
I think sexuality's complicated... I think you can be anywhere along a continuum from exclusively homosexual to exclusively hetero, and anywhere on another continuum from asexual to really sexual, and that that can change over time and situation. Also that there are likely some biological factors and some environmental factors.
I didn't have any sexual feelings of my own until I was almost 20, which probably has something to do with past (abusive) experiences. And then I identified as lesbian, (though I wouldn't swear I could never be attracted to a guy), and I'm not asexual, but I'm probably less sexual than average. Not that average means normal or right in this situation.
It makes me mad when I think about people who would smugly say that they *know* I developed in my warped way because of what happened with my dad. Like if that hadn't happened, or if I were 'healthy,' I'd be straight, and more sexual. I feel like that abuse took enough away from me, and I don't want to give it the power to have decided my sexuality too. And there are really too many factors at play to say that any one of them is entirely responsible for stuff.
I do think my abuse affected my sexuality-- in suppressing it until I was older, and possibly in making same-sex stuff more appealing, since I didn't have negative experiences in that. But a)abuse affected me in lots of ways, most of which I consider more 'important' than sexual wiring, and b)at this point, I personally don't feel a lot of interest in thinking about the link between abuse and me being gay-- now I'm married and monogamous, so I feel like sexual orientation is kind of a moot issue, now that I am really happy with and in love with my wife.
I guess I just get frustrated at the idea that there is one right way to be and that those who aren't that way are screwed up and need to be fixed. I don't think any professional has the right (or the knowledge) to tell you why you are how you are, and how you should be-- because there are lots of factors that have affected how you are, and there is no one best way to be that's right for everyone.
Not everybody is meant to be straight and get married and have 2.5 kids, you know? Some people want to be single. Some want to have kids, or adopt kids, or never let a kid set foot in their house. For some people, sex is a huge priority in their lives, for others, not so much. Some people like sex act 'x' or 'y' or 'z' and it's just human diversity, which is a GOOD thing.
I think the most important thing is that you know what you want out of life, relationships, and such, and that if you want to be with someone else, that you find someone who's on the same page as you.
