Hun I'm sorry things are so bad. I do believe in you and hope the clozapine will help. I hope you don't cut, because the voices are not physical (I am not arguing that they are not real, just that they are not a physical presence, by my understanding) but you are, so it will be you who is hurt, not the voices. Could you hurt the voices by writing them a letter telling them what you think of them or something like that?
If the clozapine doesn't work, I will be very tempted towards suicide. But the Voices...they're part of me, like a parasite inside my body...I want to kill them by hurting just like you can kill a parasite by taking drugs to kill the parasite. I will write the letter tonight when my parents are asleep.
I'm going to neglect my sleeping pills tonight.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry that things are bad tonight.
Please please PM whenever you want/need to, before you act on anything.
I can see why you need to let our your anger and frustration but I desperately don't want you to let it out by self-harming.
The letter is definitely a good idea.
I'm going to have a think of some things that have helped me express those kinds of feelings before, to see if they might help you?
I'll PM anything I can come up with.
Take care, stay safe and try to be good to yourself :)
xxxx
good luck with the clozapine. its a very good med and may be just what you need. hang on in there.
the voices, the mindreaders, the parasite within-dont let them beat u. you are stronger than them.
I'm sorry. I self-harmed and shed a lot of blood. Enough that I felt dizzy and had to suck a boiled sweet. I'm a failure. I'm pathetic. The Voices are threatening to kill my Mum with a rusty knife. The nanomachines in my blood are modifying my body. The Men in Suits gave me coded messages to kill and that the hospital food and water supply are poisoned, so when I go there I can't eat their food and I'll have to guard my water bottle day and night. I'll post more later because I shouldn't be on the internet at this time. If my Mum finds out I am in trouble.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Please don't be sorry. You haven't got to apologise to us for anything at all. I'm just sorry that you're feeling bad at the moment, that you felt you had to do it.
You are not a failure or pathetic at all. None of this makes you either of those things and from what you've told me and all the help you have given me, you could never be any of those things. Ever.
I promise you that the hospital food and water are not poisoned. I know you've felt like that before- what helped you to overcome those thoughts?
I have to go now as I have a meeting with my SPR and support worker but I'll try and get back to you as soon as I can.
Take care xxxx
Thanks....I had to do it because there are nanomachines in my blood which have to be eliminated somehow. I got 10% of them out.
You are so kind to me...you're so lovely...
I can eat food at home so I'll simply miss breakfast and dinner at the hospital and eat only when I go on leave. As for water, I'll take a bottle of water from home and guard it at all times when I'm in hospital.
I like your avatar btw.
Thanks.
You take care too.
xxxxx
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I've been on Clozapine for about three years now and it's been the best drug I've tried (it's got rid of or at least vastly improved all of my psychotic symptoms.)
I hope it works as well for you as it has for me. Good luck
Clozapine has good reports about it and Siren Whisper, I am glad it helped you and I hope it helps me too.
Thanks all.
I self harmed because I had to inspect my blood.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Thanks....I had to do it because there are nanomachines in my blood which have to be eliminated somehow. I got 10% of them out.
You are so kind to me...you're so lovely...
I can eat food at home so I'll simply miss breakfast and dinner at the hospital and eat only when I go on leave. As for water, I'll take a bottle of water from home and guard it at all times when I'm in hospital.
I like your avatar btw.
Thanks.
You take care too.
xxxxx
I understand now why you felt you needed to self-harm. Have you felt that way before, with the nanomachines?
But what about for lunch? Might you be able to bring in your own supply of food, even just a couple of days' worth, that are sealed so you know they haven't been tampered with? As you'll need to eat- I don't want you to starve yourself because of the Voices.
And thanks about the avatar, I do love Nemo :)
xxxx
I understand now why you felt you needed to self-harm. Have you felt that way before, with the nanomachines?
But what about for lunch? Might you be able to bring in your own supply of food, even just a couple of days' worth, that are sealed so you know they haven't been tampered with? As you'll need to eat- I don't want you to starve yourself because of the Voices.
And thanks about the avatar, I do love Nemo :)
xxxx
I've never had nanomachines in my blood before...its scary because I can feel them buzzing inside me...
I'll be getting leave when I'm in hospital so I will be able to go home for lunch. So I will eat lunch, just no dinner and no breakfast. I won't be able to drink water though unless I guard a bottle day and night. I got clinical dehydration while in hospital in the past...its scary, I became delirious.
I haven't seen Nemo.
xxxx
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
What is a nanomachine? Just to try and understand a bit better, if that's alright.
That's good about going home for leave, particularly as it gives you the opportunity to eat without worrying about it. Clinical dehydration sounds horrible, I can't imagine what it feels like to be delirious. I don't want you to go through that again though.
I'd definitely suggest bringing in any bits of food you can and locking them in the safe that will be in your room. Stuff that needn't be kept in the fridge of course. And with a decent sugar content as you'll need your blood sugar levels to be up to stop you from fainting.
Nemo's so good, you should see it! It's lovely. It made me want fish really badly though, which was odd as I've never particularly liked fish before..!
xxxx
A nanomachine is a machine that is so tiny you would need a microscope to see it. One million nanomachines lined up could fit into a millimetre.
I promise to drink lots at home so I won't get dehydated.
I just don't want to be killed.
So I'm doing everything possible to prevent it.
I might bring in boiled sweets or biscuits, but I would have to carry them everywhere with me so that the Mindreaders can't poison me behind my back.
I'll download Nemo, thanks for recommending.
Best wishes,
Olympia xxx
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I'm sorry that you have all this on your mind, I really am.
What do the nanomachines do?
Boiled sweets and biscuits are both good ideas. What do you think about keeping them in the digital safe that will be in your bedroom? Would that stop the Mindreaders poisoning them?
I desperately don't want you to be killed either, but I have every confidence that you won't be. I'm glad to hear that you're doing everything you can to prevent it though. I know you will be fine. :)
xxxx
Thanks Jess. You are a star you know. I will try my best to have food with me. I'll put my biscuits and water in a bag and keep them with me all the time as I won't be able to keep my door locked when I'm not in the room. The nanomachines are recording my every movement, my every action and passing this onto the Mindreaders. I'm sorry that I am so useless.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
None of this makes you useless at all.
You're doing really really well and I'm proud of you :)
I can't imagine how difficult it is for you but you're managing so well and that proves how strong you are and how you can get through all of this.
Keep fighting, I know you can do it.
xxxx
Like has been said Olympia, you are NOT useless! You're just going through a tough time that's all *huggles* That's a good idea to take the water and food with you. Because you still need to stay healthy and keep your energy up. Especially with taking the new meds and all =) You are such a brave young lady, you really have set an example here. Can you not tell anythat you have self harmed recently? Because I think it's in everyones best interest to keep you as safe as possible. *more cuddles*
I will text you in a little while, love you girlie,
Hey Oly. I am incredibly proud of you! When you were told that you were going to have to reduce your Olanzapine to nil you were certain you were going to end up in hospital prior to starting the clozapine but you haven't and that shows incredible strength and courage - remember that. You are far stronger than the voices and the mindreaders.
Are your cuts cleaned etc? Make sure you look after them properly hun.
Try and keep strong for just a little longer.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
***
