Getting over feelings of worthlessness/fear

Alegria · 30-10-2008, 03:14 AM

Hey everyone,

I just have a question on my mind that I've been thinking about for a while now and I was wondering if anyone had some advice for me.

For a little bit of background info, I've been SIing since I was fifteen. When I was eighteen, I swore I would start going to therapy or at least talk to a doctor because I was legally an adult and confidentiality was no longer an issue. I wound up never going because I didn't feel comfortable with it, but I couldn't put my finger on why.

Lately my life has been sort of a mess again. I manage to keep busy enough to keep my mind off my problems, but whenever I have any free time I'm just as upset as always. Wanting to SI, wanting to restrict/feeling fat, just feeling down.

Sometimes I think that this consistent sad feeling and the SI and the eating issues are something I should just get taken care of like I take care of everything else. But I don't feel like I have a problem with myself or SI or anything. I look at other people IRL and on ryl and think yes, they have a problem*, but I can't look at myself in the same way. I look at myself and think I'm just faking because I keep it all together so well. I've never had a crazy nervous breakdown or burst into tears or stayed in bed all day because I lacked the will to get up. I just hold the feeling in, cry when I'm alone, and get up no matter what because I still know that the only way to get to a better place is to keep working.

So yes, I'd want to make an appointment to start getting therapy, I think it'd be free through my college, but it's a combination of not feeling like I deserve it/being scared that's holding me back. Does anyone know what I could do to get over this? And also, if you've had any experiences with your college's counseling services, could you tell me about them?

*by having a problem, I just mean... they deserve help.

Stellata · 30-10-2008, 08:32 AM

You do deserve the help.

Chrissyann · 30-10-2008, 11:34 AM

Hunni, you deserve help as well. So what if you can hold it in? The fact that you've got things to hold in is a problem in itself *hugs*. If there wasn't a problem, then in your quiet moments you wouldn't want to harm... to restrict. Surely everyone who feels the need to hurt themselves deserves some sort of help?

Put yourself in my shoes... I'm sitting here reading a post about someone who feels that low they consider harming themselves, and DO harm themselves. If you were me, what would you say to them? You'd say that they need help, and deserve help....Yes other people may have it worse, but you have it worse than a lot of other people too. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't get the help that you need.

Someone once gave me the scenario of a pressure cooker. By holding in the feelings that you've got, the pressure under the lid is building up and up. And what happens when the pressure gets too high? The lid blows off and the contents spill everywhere. That's the breakdown that you were talking about. Other people might get to that point sooner than you, but you'll get there too if you keep holding in your feelings..... but if you were to get help, and let the pressure out slowly, then you wont have the explosion where you breakdown.

As you said hun, you're over 18 so don't have to worry about confidentiality.... so please try and think about it? It's got to be worth giving it a try hunni. I'm similar to you in that I've put off help as much as possible... but I've given in, and booked my first appointment at uni on Tuesday. I'm terrified, but I know it's for the best.

Take care hunni, and PM me if you want a chat
*hugs*
Chrissy
xxx

Alegria · 01-11-2008, 11:44 PM

thank you guys. I'll probably call up on monday since they're closed on the weekends.

emotionxsickness · 02-11-2008, 03:25 AM

i was the same way then I had a breakdown and am trying to get help. my advice: get help before you do have a breakdown. you deserve it.

Alegria · 03-11-2008, 09:56 PM

So I called.

It literally took every ounce of willpower, plus fifteen minutes sitting with my phone in my hand. I'm still shaking.

They pretty much just took down my information and I made an appointment for a phone consultation tomorrow at 12:15. I guess I'm not so worried about that because I have some time tonight to collect my thoughts and figure out how to explain how my life got to this screwed up point.