Triggering (SI) - could it be the beginning of the end???

Crystal_Heart · 25-10-2008, 07:49 PM

ok, so i posted before that a few people from my church found out that i SI....

one week ago, last saturday to be exact, i met with two of the elders who care for the church, together with my friend who knew about my SI from a few years ago.

they wanted to discuss my situation and see if there is anything they could do to help.
but i couldn't speak.
i mentioned in a previous post how my body just freezes up and i literally cannot speak when i'm being spoken to, or trying to speak about, something difficult like this.
well that happened. but they were good about it and tried to just ask me yes and no questions so i could just nod or shake my head.

so, to make a long story short, we agreed that i would call my doctor and set up an appointment with him to be referred to a psychiatrist. i've done this before but something was always standing in the way, like insurance or distance or whatever. so hopefully this time will be fruitful!

i'm supposed to make the appointment before next saturday because i'm going to meet with these ones from my church again on that day to check in and to let them know how im doing and such. i haven't made the appointment yet because i'm so scared of what is going to happen after i do!!!

yesterday i had the realization that this might be the beginning of the end. the part where everything becomes SO much harder and more complicated etc. i realized that i am scared to stop SI'ing. my inner thought process regarding this was that i better do it as much as i can now before i have to stop so i can "enjoy" it while it lasts. lame, right? has anyone else ever felt this way like when you're approaching recovery? like you should just cut a LOT because soon you won't be able to?

last night i cut, after like 11 days of going without it. i felt good about it, because it's like trying to visit a friend as much as you can because you know they will be moving away very soon....

oh, this is unrelated but i had a weird dream last night. so i live in southern california, and i found on another SI site that there is an SI support group at some church that's in garden grove which is very close to where i live. i've been considering going to it to test the waters. anyway, the dream is this----- i decide that i'm gonna go check it out. when i get to the parking lot i see this huge fancy church. i park and try to remember the directions to the room where it's held (which i read in real life actually). so i get outta my car and walk toward the building when a group of people come out the front entrance and turned to walk somewhere. i was wearing short sleeves so i panicked and ran back to my car to grab a sweatshirt so they didn't see my arm (i really did cut last night and it was the same bandaging i actually put on). as i'm trying to get the sweatshirt on this girl walks up to my to try and welcome me to the group. i gave up on trying to get the sweatshirt on so i just held in my arms to cover up the bandages. we were chatting about what the group is and what happens and i decide to try and put the sweatshirt on while still keeping the bandages out of sight. well i failed and she saw them. she asked when i had last cut and i told her last night. then she kinda sneered at me and said "oh, well this group is only for people with SCARS, not for people with fresh cuts!" then she turned and walked away to join the rest of the group outside somewhere. i got in my car and just sat there thinking "ouch, did she really just say that?"

then the dream ended there i think. so, are there really groups like that? ones that only allow people in if they had already stopped SI'ing? i know that on this site there is a section aimed for those who have already kinda stopped right? but it's not exclusive is it? but are there really support groups out there that would actually turn me away because i still do it??

so that is for the most part what has been going on with me this week (concerning SI) and the things on my mind and such. i wish i could come on here ALL the time so i could just write about what is happening before it gets bad or before i forget what exactly is wrong but still feel negative about it! (anyone like that too? like you go on without expressing your thoughts/emotions and you forget what exactly it was all about but you're still upset or depressed about it? then if someone asks what's wrong or something you really don't know what to tell them because you've forgotten?)

opinions and comments PLEASE!!!! the more the merrier!
also, at first i thought the hugs thing on here was kinda weird because its not even a real hug or whatever. like how could someone saying HUG really help...
on my last post i got like 11 hugs from people and for some reason i was comforted and felt warm fuzzies!!! so i do appreciate the hugs!!

~Chloe

secrets & lies · 25-10-2008, 08:59 PM

Well done for talking to people at your church, even if you didn't say much, it's a great step to take!

Do you think you could write down the way you feel and what you think might help the situation amd then give it to one of your elders or your friend. That way it doesn't matter if you freeze up and you can explain exactly how you feel without talking face to face with someone. Is there anywhere you can write down your feelings and thoughts as you go throughout the day when you can't get on here, that way you don't forget? I spend a lot of time working on my computer and have so many documents that have random ramblings about different things that were bothering me and it helped me to write about them straight away.

Well done for going 11 days without SI, that's fantastic! I know what you mean about how good it feels to go back to it. I also know how scary it is to think about stopping and yes it probably will get harder but it will get easier too. What's scaring you most about booking an appointment with your doctor?

It's great that you're thinking about going to a support group, you're braver than I ever was! I can't imagine that any SI support group would turn away anyone who SI's whether they are currently SIing or not. Can you find any more information on the group before you go if you are worried about it? Or would your friend who knows you SI be willing to go with you just whilst you check it out?

Really hope that you are ok *hug*

Crystal_Heart · 26-10-2008, 01:53 AM

thanks. :)
i suppose i could put more effort into keeping a lil pad of paper with me to write things down. i keep one in my purse but it's mainly for writing down to do's or ppl's addresses etc. i'll get one for myself as well. :) and i'll consider writing something to the ones helping me. i dunno tho...

the thing that scares me about booking the appointment is that because of it, i'll actually have to SEE him. i mean he's a wonderful understanding guy who has helped me with my meds and stuff, but frankly it doesn't really matter who i'm talking to, i just hate it! i turn beet red (literally!) and can't look them in the eye. i become so embarrassed and ashamed of it all!

i'll look into getting more info on this group soon too. thanks. i'm really not brave though. but no one out there understands what i'm going through except for ones who have experienced these things, ya know? i mean, its great to be on here but i need more. i need to see these people face to face. communicating on here makes me realize that i'm not alone, of course. but it doesn't help me to not FEEL alone even though i know i'm not. ya know?

anyway, i dunno, i'm just really lost with this whole thing. i'm not sure what i'm doing or what will happen. i'm fearing the unknown right now!
my friend MAY be willing to go with me to check it out, but the thing is...she was with me through so much crap a couple years ago and i know it was VERY difficult for her and it really took a toll on our relationship. it's pretty complicated really. but i know that she still has a heart for me and wants me to recover. i'm just afraid of her getting overwhelmed again. we recently began to spend a lil more time together, after a long break of barely communicating because she just couldn't handle it. and i don't want to ruin that already. it's only been a month or so and i want to keep it going! but now i have the help of the two elders so perhaps it won't be so hard on her this time because she won't have to bear the whole burden on her own!
anyway, i'm rambling now.
thanks for the hugs guys!!!!!!!! :)

~Chloe

ems · 26-10-2008, 02:04 AM

yeh, well done for talking to them! *hugs* I told my youth worker from church.. who had to tell the elders... then 2 of them wanted to meet with me n my mum .. but i freeze too.. i just say 'i don't know' 'yes' or 'no' that was a very scary meeting. My boyfriend lives in South Cali :) I know what you mean about people who havent been through it not understanding too... Try not to worry about the psychiatrist too much, they look scarier than they are
take care

secrets & lies · 26-10-2008, 02:07 AM

Could you write down what you want to say to your doctor as well? Just something to get you started so that it doesn't matter if you freeze as soon as you get in there. You shouldn't be ashamed, you're asking for help which is a really positive thing!

I understand what you mean about still needing more than just talking to people on here. Going to a group would be a really good way of getting that face to face contact with people who understand what you are going through. I'm glad that you and your friend have started spending more time together and see why you wouldn't want to risk overwhelming her again. It's great that you have a couple more people who can support you as well which should make it easier for both of you. If she sees that going to a group is a step in helping you to recover might ahe be willing to go along with you?

I hope you make it to the group and manage to talk to your doctor and your elders. And I think you're brave :)

Take care xxx

Wonderland. · 27-10-2008, 12:03 PM

Hey sweetie.
*hugs*
I think it is great that the people at your church are trying to help you. Make sure you are still in control of what's happening though.
Making a doctors appointment is a great idea, could one of them possibly come with you so its not so scary?
Maybe you could jot down what you wanna say to your doctor in a notebook so you feel prepared and take it with you if you freeze up and you can show it him instead.
I know how horrible it is when you freeze up i doesn't happen to me with everyone but they just think i'm being off with them, and then they are like well i can't help you if you don't speak.
I hope the appointment goes okay and you do get referred to psych.
You really deserve help.

About this support group...if it is on another forum could you maybe ask them...i'm sure they'd be happy to help.
I think they do both types of support group so it worth asking.

You know what you said at the start about wanting to cut loads to make up for the time you won't be able to do it, i think we all get like that....want a huge fix before its gone....but it won't just go like that.
Random but it reminded me of you know when animals go into hibernation they eat loads of food and then they don't eat till hibernation ends...just imagined you as some squirrel lol.
Try and stay safe.
Keep fighting sweetie.

Amy x

Crystal_Heart · 27-10-2008, 10:11 PM

hahaha! thanks amy lol that made me laugh!!

oh can someone teach me how to use the quoting thing properly on here? where it only quotes the portion you want but not the whole thing? i can't get it to work right!
that being said, i'm sorry but i'm answering all the replies (or most of them anyway even though its just a few) in this so i'm sorry if it's jumbled and such! forgive me.
ok so i talked to my friend today (the one who knows about my SI but i want a normal friendship etc). anyway she said that she was scared about being there before it began but she actually felt really good about it because she thinks its really going to be taken care of this time and i'm gonna get what i need etc. i hope she's right!!! i don't know how its goin to go as far as maintaining a normal friendship (that doesn't contain so much difficult crap like this). maybe this will actually make us even closer. hmmm. i dunno. im goin to bring up the idea of me goin to a support group when i talk to the elders this saturday. and if it would be a good idea for my friend to go with me.

opinions please....i know that it would help the situation if my doctor knew that im still cutting and its the reason i'm seeking help this time. but do i really have to tell him? should i? or could i get by without telling him but just talking to the psychiatrist about it...? my mom has the same doctor as me and i'm scared he might mention this to her!