So, I felt like sharing some of my writing, and this seemed like a good and safe place to do it. Feel free to share it with others if you like it, but please credit me as Eiana. =)
so many thoughts, feelings
trapped inside,
begging to be written, spoken,
released.
i feel the tightness in my stomach,
my chest,
the ache of holding these things inside -
not knowing how to let them out.
fearful
that if i do -
they'll sweep over me like a wave,
drowning me in shaky,
screaming fear.
afraid i'll lose control,
collapse, fall apart,
be reduced to a teary, trembling mess.
breathing becoming difficult
as feelings fight to be let out...
fear is what i feel,
just fear.
and jumbled up feelings i can't find the names for.
close your eyes,
shaky breath after shaky breath...
feel the fear as it threatens to take over,
panic for a blade,
though you know you couldn't use it anyway
(summer hiding is hell)
because pain is the only way you know to cope with this.
wishing -
you could write about it,
talk about it -
but not knowing how.
empty room,
loneliness fills like a suffocating cloud...
can't -
breathe -
can't -
sleep.
lie awake,
stare at the ceiling.
roll over,
stare at the wall.
think of tomorrow,
coming quickly
like storm clouds moving across the sky,
and know there is no shelter
in this cold dark room.
gather up the blankets,
fluff up the pillows,
curl into the corner,
trying to find a warmth,
a safety that isn't there.
suffocating heat,
eyes squeezed shut.
do. not. cry. ruined everything...
ruined everything...again.
thanks a lot.
remembering...
community.
too - painful...
remembering love -
remembering rest - wrong -
everything's wrong.
suffocating loneliness,
emptiness...
wide open spaces
squeezing the life out of me. they don't want to be around me -
don't want to be
seen
with me.
unloved,
unwanted...
there is no comfort here,
no safety. please let me go home -
please?
...february's never too far away.
wandering...
lost
in a cold, empty desert.
longing
to collapse into safe, waiting arms... rest, shh, relax...
sleep, aama, sare...
you're safe here,
loved, wanted, safe,
no one to hurt you, won't
let
anyone hurt you,
you're safe here,
safe now.
shhna, eiana...
sleep.
shaky...
eyes flit to corners,
small spaces under desks -
little-girl-inside wants to run, hide away
from some unknown terror.
outside-self doesn't understand,
doesn't know why she's shaking,
only that she's scared
and that small dark spaces
somehow
offer comfort,
protection.
wise-woman-inside calms, soothes... shhna, sweetie, it's okay,
nothing to be afraid of,
shhna, i've got you, dear.
wise-woman holds little-girl
in her safe, comforting arms...
protects her from the hidden fears inside,
the screaming and the thoughts that wound like fists...
outside-self is calm again,
goes on with life-as-usual.
see me.
please see me here and smile -
reassure me it's okay,
i'm okay.
i'm so fragile right now,
vulnerable and scared,
like a little girl...
please be gentle.
are we friends?
i ask.
are we friends -
because if we are,
i need to be honest:
i'm not okay.
i'm not okay,
and i need your support.
i may look
like an adult,
but inside
i feel like a little girl:
fragile and frightened.
quiet and timid,
vulnerable and sad.
and i'm afraid of you -
afraid you won't like me,
afraid you'll leave me,
afraid you'll give up.
i feel unworthy -
of your attention,
your kindness,
of anything.
i've learned -
it's safer to be invisible.
if no one notices me,
i'm not a problem.
if they don't see me,
they can't reject me.
but invisibility gets lonely,
and if i say i don't need anyone,
i'm only fooling myself.
invisibility and loneliness
lead to hopelessness, despair.
and that's why i'm telling you:
i need you.
because i'm scared to go back there again.
here i stand,
stripped of my pretenses,
an open book.
no more masks,
no more walls to protect me,
here i stand before you -
vulnerable.
no more pretending
denying, avoiding...
past hurts are once again fresh,
and i am scared.
i can't do this on my own,
please hold me.
reassure me,
encourage me.
give me strength to do this.
i am walking on the wire,
please,
give me your hand...
don't let me fall!
here i stand before you,
no walls,
no masks,
just me.
will you teach me to love myself?
tell me i am beautiful,
precious?
remind me how much i have to share?
will you tell me until i believe it?
it's going to take some time.
but here i stand before you,
my deepest secrets laid bare...
standing at the edge of the cliff -
i am ready to begin.
you are talented. I liked all of them. keep writing!
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain
I believe in true happiness. but at the same time...i look around and dont see it anywhere.
pretences are a way of life. we fake it. to keep each other going.
Aw, thank you.
