my therapist says that its not right for you to be alone with knowing that someone self harms because it can put alot of stress on you to keep it a secret and your out of your depth in trying to make them stop yourself so you have to tell their parents or someone who have mor influence on the person. she also said that the person would forgive because they would come round to knowing that you were doing the right thing for them even if they couldnt see it at the time
if it keeps them safe (ie if theyre going to od, cut bad)
the you should definatly tell someone.
as others have said they may hate you at the time but theyll thank you in the long term.
if you find out say your friends s/h but isnt in immediate danger i think you shouldnt "tell" but encourage them to get help.
hope that makes sense
xxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Yes i think it is betrayal.
Still no adult knows about my self harm as only one of my friends knows i am currently doing it. She has, however given me a timescale to stop in before she tells someone. I dont necessarily think this is a good idea but i truly believe i can stop.
I do agree that if the person's life is in danger then betrayal is necessary and i also agree that it does put a lot of pressure on the person involved and if it is putting them under stress they have a right to tell.
I say all this but i know that if I told anyone and they told my parents then i would never be able to trust them again.
I AM trying and I WILL do it.... Hopefully...
RYL is my safe hiding place from the rest of the world. Shh... don't tell anyone
SORRY ....It means nothing.
Surrounded by nice people and but still feeling alone.... as usual...
The days when all you want to do is hide from the world are always the days the world finally decides it is interested in you.
In hospital, other patients would tell me their plans to self harm/OD etc. I couldn't keep that information to myself, so I always told. I always thought it would be better for their care and treatment if staff were kept informed of the things they were saying on the ward.
However, out of hospital, if I found out someone was self harming, I wouldn't tell. It's their own decision. But, if someone told me they were going to commit suicide (and I believed them and knew where they lived etc) I would tell.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
it depends, i have freinds then i have close freinds.
for my freinds they do what they want and i won't tell, that being loyal to there trust
for my close freinds if i think there is chance they clould get hurt i try to help, if i can't then i'll tell. Thats being loyal to there well being, it's easy to sit and listen it hard tostand and act. Yes I've had freinds tell me i was wrong for telling at the time but just last week i was thanked by a really close freind of mine for getting his pernts some information.
"Stand for who you are and what you've done"
"There is no shame in what you've done, only in what you haven't learned from it"
okay someone may already have said this but i can't be assed to read everyones responses :P
Depending on the circumstances I would (and have) told. I've never just outed a kid to their parents, it's always been a trusted adult but when i see a ten year old cutting and being proud of it, I can't just keep that quiet. It's not okay in any way shape or form and they need help. So i told. If they're older than I would weigh it up. I have a few friends whose parents trust me so well becasue they know I would tell them straight away if something was going on that they really needed help for. But in those cases, I KNOW the families and friends really well.
If it was getting to a point where I thought someone was going to accidentaly do some maajor damage I would tell without even blinking.
I have done this on more than one occasion and I have actually lost a few friends becasue of it. But as I said to them then when they were abusing them for outing them to their parents and more than once the police/paramedics, I would rather lose a friendship then a friend. I've had more than one come back to me (longest was 4 years) and say thank you.
I have been outed to my parents by my counsellor against my express wish that they not know becasue it would really make things worse and I wasn't actually a danger to myself. And she broke confidentiality and told them and on top of that told them I was doing it for attention. I recently found out that I could have sued and she would have lost her job and her liscence.
But yes... in a nutshell... I would tell. betrayal of trust or not, I would rather they got help then liked me.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
just a note... the reason I have no qualms about telling is becasue the one time i didn't tell my friend died. i will never again keep something a secret if i think it's important to tell someone. if i'd told her parents would have got help for her (they were really switched on) but I didn't and she went to deep by accident and we lost her. I will never again hold back.
anyways. that's why.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
It really depends on how you find out. I'd say, with most people, if they came up to you and told you they self-harmed it would be a way of asking for help, and in that case you should go with them to tell. If you just spot scars/cuts on their arm maybe you should talk to them first and discuss it and assess if it is life-threatening.
Imho, it is never alright to go behind someone's back-if you are going to tell, then you should at least let the person know. I've only ever got really angry about being told on when the person did not talk to me first.
And I hardly think betrayal is the right word, as at the end of the day, you are doing it to try and help them not to hurt them.
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
I don't think it's betrayal to tell at all. So long as it's not gossiping...but that's a whole different story.
I have never told on anyone, but then again I have never had to tell on anyone. I have been told on and people have told me about other people (for the empathy and advice I assume)
At school my Psychology teacher spotted a cut and spoke to one of my clostest friends. Then she spoke to me and spoke to the head of 6th form and the Deputy Head. No one made a fuss or told my parents or anything like that which in hindsight I really appreciate. I think they just kept an eye on me and generally were there to support me as and when I needed it.
I genuinely feel bad for people that know about someone who SH because it's a pretty hefty issue to deal with alone and a lot of non-sufferers dont know enough about it to make the 'right' decision. At the end of the day, most are only trying to help by telling someone and really it is the right decision in the long run
It's a sticky wicket, if I do say so. It should be made known that certain people are "designated reporters", as least here in the states. In mine, teachers and other school staff are required to report to the authorities anything involving abuse or neglect, including Self-Abuse.
If you are not a designated reporter, then you have to weigh several factors.
Why did they tell? Was it because you confronted them, or did they come to you on their own? Is it because they want help? If you confronted them about it, it already puts you on shakey ground trust wise. You took the control of telling away from them.
If they told you, why you? Some people from my old schools (and people still in them) have come to me for help broaching the topic to others, to act as a mediator, since they know I've been there.
And the final consideration is... How bad is it? This became a pretty big one when I had a bleeding 15 year old on my lap, trying to bandage her arm to stop the bleeding. She wanted to keep it secret, but there was no way I could keep her from bleeding out. So I ended up calling her parents from outside the ER/A&E. To this day she still refuses to talk to me, but I think it was worth it.
Mom would say that you should convince them to "tell" on themselves.
It's a sticky wicket, if I do say so. It should be made known that certain people are "designated reporters", as least here in the states. In mine, teachers and other school staff are required to report to the authorities anything involving abuse or neglect, including Self-Abuse.
If you are not a designated reporter, then you have to weigh several factors.
Why did they tell? Was it because you confronted them, or did they come to you on their own? Is it because they want help? If you confronted them about it, it already puts you on shakey ground trust wise. You took the control of telling away from them.
If they told you, why you? Some people from my old schools (and people still in them) have come to me for help broaching the topic to others, to act as a mediator, since they know I've been there.
And the final consideration is... How bad is it? This became a pretty big one when I had a bleeding 15 year old on my lap, trying to bandage her arm to stop the bleeding. She wanted to keep it secret, but there was no way I could keep her from bleeding out. So I ended up calling her parents from outside the ER/A&E. To this day she still refuses to talk to me, but I think it was worth it.
Mom would say that you should convince them to "tell" on themselves.
Danz
I'm a mandated reporter. It's part of being a youth worker. Any professional in any health or community service is mandated to report and all teachers and stuff too. BUT it's about the seriousness. There are some things thatyou don't even think about to report. like if someone says this child has been hurt by so and so then you tell. straight away. you tell your supervisor and leave it up to them.
If you really and truly think someone is a danger to themselves or someone else then you should tell. And if you ask them and they say they're not a danger to themselves but you really think they are then tell. Becasue i mean... how many self harmers really admit when they're out of control or even recognise that?
I guess in the end it comes down to... would you rather lose a friendship or lose a friend. Do what you think is best and that's it. It's not betrayal if you're acting out of concern. Your friend/person you know might think you're the worst person in thw world and never talk to you again... but you've done what you thought was right and in the end that is what really matters.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I haven't read all the replies, but here is my quick opinion.
I have had people tell about my self-harm, and I never got mad or felt betrayed because I have been in the same situation where someone confided in me. I figure that most people know there is a chance the person they tell will not keep it to themselves, so they are taking a risk.
The only way I would feel betrayed is if the person I confided in told other people who did not need to know, like other friends. If they want to get me help, they would go to a trusted adult.
I think it very much depends on the situation. For example, if they are hurting themselves to the point of needing stitches or endangering their life (or planning to), I think someone needs to be notified. However, if they are over 18, and not endangering their life, I leave it to them. No one can do anything about it anyway unless the self-harmer lets them, since crisis will not force anyone to get help unless they are an immediate and serious danger to themselves or others...
however, it gets more tricky when someone is under 18. if you are above 18, and they are under, it can get very sticky in legal issues. if you think the parents would help, it's probably best to try that. or a social worker/teacher perhaps... people who truly understand cutting will not usually force a person to tell their parents until they see it has actually threatening their life or causing very serious injury. but still, at that young of an age, someone needs to help before it gets out of hand. and you are a bit liable in some instances if you are above age and they aren't.
however, i was in a situation where i was 15, as was my friend. she was cutting and suicidal, however her parents knew about at least some of it, and were doing nothing, and were abusive anyway. so telling them would've done nothing. i still don't know what the answer was to that... not to mention child protective services was doing nothing either. i think it takes discretion. a child is not old enough to decline help always, so that makes you in more need of telling. but adults, if they are not endangering themselves severely, are adults, and no one can force them to get help. the best thing i think in that scenario is just to talk it through and encourage them to find help.
I haven't read all the replies, but here is my quick opinion.
I have had people tell about my self-harm, and I never got mad or felt betrayed because I have been in the same situation where someone confided in me. I figure that most people know there is a chance the person they tell will not keep it to themselves, so they are taking a risk.
The only way I would feel betrayed is if the person I confided in told other people who did not need to know, like other friends. If they want to get me help, they would go to a trusted adult.
yes! i've never told other people who didn't need to know. it was always someone who could help with the situations. *nods*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I tried to "tell" on someone when she wouldn't stop making herself sick, only because I cared so much about her but that was ages and we are no longer friends but I know she is still doing it.
It depends.
If someone is suicidal, in addition to self-harming, then I believe they need to get help. If someone comes to you asking for you to help them, then, obviously, they need help, but they just don't know where to get it. If someone was harming themselves and not taking care of their wounds properly, then you might want to get them medical help. If someone just sits down and tells you about their self-harm as friends, then I do think you're betraying them by "telling".
Of course, I have been told on when I was in the latter situation, so I might be biased. I e-mailed a poem to a friend when I was twelve that dealt with self-harm and she asked me if I was self-harming. I didn't want to answer, but her mother must have read her e-mail because the mother wrote a very, very, very long and condescending response that was advising me to get help. Because the mother was a doctor, she had to tell my parents. I felt that was unnecessary. I understand that legally she had to make sure I was "getting help", but I never expressly stated whether or not I was self-harming.
If someone came up to me and was being obviously attention-seeking, flaunting wounds, calling it "cool", or what-have-you, then I would definitely tell. That's just making a mockery of real problems, and telling on them would just give them the attention they want. However, sometimes people refuse to believe you. I was in a situation where I met a guy who was obviously self-harming. I told his older brother, but the brother didn't believe me. I guess I'm kind of glad that my tattling didn't work, because telling does make me feel bad. I feel even more hypocritical because I have been in multiple situations where I have been told on.
Personally, if I was going to tell someone, I would rather tell them myself than have a friend, someone who I trusted to keep things confidential, tell them without my permission. I might keep a friend with me as moral support in case things didn't go well, but I like to make my own choices, especially when it comes to something as personal as self-harm.
I think it's teachers, police officers, and doctors who are required by law to tell your parents/guardians if you confide your self-harming in them. Don't quote me on that, though, I've been wrong before.
In my opinion, it's something different altogether if the person is required to tell or they could lose their liscence. That does put them in an awkward and uncomfortable position, because if you're ever hospitalized for self-harm and you say that you told xxx the police officer/teacher/doctor, then xxx is going to get in big trouble. So, if you're going to share with people in those professions, just be aware of the consequences. Of course, in the situation I said above, where a friend's mother found out, I never meant for her to know.
I just couldn't betray someone who told me -- who gave their trust to me. If I found out and thought that they were either attention-seeking, possibly suicidal, or in need of medical attention, that is completely different. I just think some self-harmers aren't in a position where they are willing to accept help.
For me this is a really hard question. I've experienced both sides of it but luckily for me, the person who 'told on me' also told the teacher who I trusted the most. So I was really lucky in that respect since I didn't have to ask for help, she offered it to me. Also, the person I 'told on' forgave me almost instantly since she had been about to go see her HoY for it anyway.
But my sister also had to inform her tutor that her friend was self harming, mainly due to the constant promises that she'd stop and then wearing long sleeves etc. She'd already been in and out of hospital for anorexia, which the school knew about, and her self harm actually made her pass out in PE since she'd lost so much blood (thin blood from not eating). So when my sis got asked if she knew why her friend had passed out, she 'fessed up. She refused to talk to my sister for around three months and then eventually forgave her after learning that I was struggling with it too. She genuinely believed that my sister had betrayed her so badly, but that anger was more to do with the anger at herself for letting her body get so bad.
However, telling on someone you know that self harms to someone who doesn't need to know is despicable. Currently, I've stopped self harming (3 months 3 weeks 2 days so far :D) but the fact that EVERYONE in my college, and I mean everyone, knows that I used to is pretty horrible. If I wear long sleeves on a hot day or even on a cold day, I have my 'friends' checking my arms. It's like, it's got nothing to do with you since my 'friends' aren't the people who helped me through it. I'm just gossip for them and I despise it.
There's always been rumours floating around that so and so cuts herself/himself and it reaches a point where it's like, why do you care? If you're going to just gossip about it and make them feel worse than they already do, go fall off a high bridge :)
/rant
Last edited by shieldworld : 16-11-2008 at 11:35 PM.
Reason: rant.
SORRY ....It means nothing.
