Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - NoNoNoNoNo

bobbiwibble · 13-10-2008, 10:11 PM

another post
another post - i'm sorry
i think i deserve this one though.
at about 5.30 today he found me and raped me
i don't know how to think
my boyfriend came to help, about an hour too late. we talked for ages. he told me he's now prepared to let me kill myself, as he sees now that it's unfair not to
i don't think that was what i wanted to hear
it means he's given up on me
given up hope of me getting better
i've given up hope
it hasn't sunk in yet
i wish it would, while i'm here, safe, and on ryl
but it hasn't
and it won't until tonight when i suddenly wake up screaming and crying
i dont want to go to bed
he'll find me
punish me
stupid dirty roberta
see the darkness written through me like a stick of rock
everyone was right
he won't kill me
he'll never kill me
it's not like anything will step in to stop him having his fun
people don't help people like me
they can see the darkness
the dirtiness
whore whore WHORE
because all i want right now is my boyfriend
holding me
i'd have sex with him
i WANT to have sex with him
after this??
why could i want it??
i shouldn't want it
i should never want anybody to touch me again
except that i'm a SLAG

Born to be broken · 13-10-2008, 10:19 PM

*sends hugs* im sorry this happened sweetie and im sorry i have nothing constructive to say today =/.... take care though... and ur not a slag, dirty, or a whore. ...... u desierve the best the world could offer in happyness.

sky X

*Fading_existence* · 13-10-2008, 10:20 PM

Oh huni, im so so sorry this happened to you *gentle safe hugs* your not a whore or a slag or evil or anything. I promise you. Your bf hasnt given up on you at all, he loves you and hates you hurting. Is there anyway he could take you to the police station about what this "being" did to you? he shouldnt get away with it hun. We all love you so so much please keep going. Loves you xxxxxxxx

x-dying-inside-x · 13-10-2008, 10:22 PM

hunny your not at all.
please let me help you hunny.
i dont really know what to say other than im always here for you.
xxx

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 13-10-2008, 10:23 PM

Oh baby, I love you & you've helped me tremulously. You deserve so much more than this. I am so terribly sorry you had to go through this today.
Have you thought about reporting this person now, before its too late?
x x x

bobbiwibble · 13-10-2008, 10:26 PM

thank you :( all of you
i can't go to the police
i just can't
apart from anything else
this first happened nearly 3 years ago now
i've spent this long resisting there's no way i could bring it out in to the open now
it's just.. this morning i had to go to the vets :( which is a really bad triggering place for me and i felt really scared but i did it and i felt so proud.. thought i'd turned a corner.. and then this.. i dont even know what to think i'm not really thinking at all, i'm sorry you guys, for taking up the thread board AGAIN
i'll regret it later
but right now
i just wish i could THINK

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 13-10-2008, 10:31 PM

You have lots of time to think later baby. But it is important you don't let this person get away with this. You probably are unable to think about anything right now, because its too hard to deal with.
Are you with anyone right now? Are you safe?
x x x

*Fading_existence* · 13-10-2008, 10:32 PM

Take some deep breaths hun, and try to calm yourself. Maybe then you may be able to think a bit. Going to the vets is an amazing achievement and you should be so proud. Hun the first may have happened years ago but what happened today is awful and if you reported it if you felt able you could talk about the rest.
xxxxxxx

bobbiwibble · 13-10-2008, 10:35 PM

maybe.. i'm at home now. i nearly told mum. i actually nearly told her. instead i stayed silent and let her shout at me for being late home.
i dont think i'll ever tell anyone. worse case scenario, this carries on for a year. then i'll be at uni. i think i'll actually get a lot better when he's no longer in my life - i really was getting better over the summer :(

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 13-10-2008, 10:38 PM

Its really good you almost told her, but almost isn't enough, you need to tell her. Please try to, tonight.
How about writing a letter?

x x x

bobbiwibble · 13-10-2008, 10:42 PM

no. it wouldn't just be hard, it would actually be a bad idea. it wouldn't make her more understanding - in fact it might make her less so. if i didn't want to go to the police she'd say how could i expect sympathy if i wasn't prepared to do anything about it.
she might not even believe me.
plus i think, in not knowing how to react to it, she'd make me feel terrible. i need just one person i care about a lot to not look at me differently and tiptoe around me

*Fading_existence* · 13-10-2008, 10:42 PM

Helen is right sweetheart. It would really really help if your mum knew she could help and support you. It would be hard but you can do it we know you can.

Jay603 · 14-10-2008, 01:07 AM

hug

you should tell some one

all the hugs you want
XXXX....

troubleshooter · 14-10-2008, 04:37 AM

*hugs* Roberta sweetheart you really should tell someone in order to get help. It's not your fault, it really isn't. And having sex with your boyfriend is totally different than this. With him it's probably a loving, safe, happy experience. Rape is a frightening, painful, terrible thing. Being with your boyfriend now might even feel like "undoing" the bad feelings the rape left. You're not a slag. *hugs* I hope you can tell.

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 14-10-2008, 08:54 AM

How are you feeling today darling?

x x x

x-dying-inside-x · 14-10-2008, 10:13 PM

hunny i know you dont want to tell anyone and i know you feel you cant,
im here to support you whatever you need, but please just let me help you.
you have helped me so much over the last year and now its my turn to help you.
im sure that one person will not look at you in a different way.
xxxx