Didn't know what to title it, but yeah. I... well, ever since Friday night, or even before that, things are bad. I did some stuff sunday night and friday night, and I don't remember a thing of doing it. apparently it involved punching lots.
One of the youth workers at church is going to "make me better" apparently, but I don't... think she can. I think I'm too far past that stage. I just.... I don't know what's going on with my head at the moment. Apparently I walked out in front of a car on Friday, and almost got myself run over. You'd think that would be the sort of thing I'd remember, right? But no, nothing. It's just scaring me. from Friday to Sunday afternoon I've been around people I can trust, people who could make sure I was safe, and didn't do anything stupid.
Last night, well, I wasn't. Cut twice yesterday. Wasn't planning on it, but, well it happened and I can't change that fact, just start again and hope I can get further this time. Cutting, well, it made everything easier, y'know? Like I haven't had what everyone calls a "black out" since I cut, and my mood's generally been better, but I can't survive like that. I can't rely on cutting to put me in a good mood, because I get in a bad mood afterwards, because I cut.
I let the youth leader at church down, she said she wasn't going to let me hurt myself, but... well, I did. Stayed at a leader's house on friday night so I wouldn't do that, and here I am, what, a day later, having done so to myself anyways. I hate feeling like I'm throwing their help back in their face, but I just had no other way of dealing with things. I just... can't do this anymore.
Sorry, don't know if any of this even makes sense, but I needed to tell someone about it. I'd put more details in, but I really don't know them.
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I just wanted you to know that I read your post. Ive just logged on tonight and saw you wrote this post this morning but had no replies so, yeah, i hope youre ok tonight xx
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Replying to your post is difficult for me, but I did want you to know that I read it and want to reply.
I think someone telling you they are going to 'make you better' is not helpful. In fact it strikes me as a comment from someone who has no idea what you are going through.
As for the weekend - you don't remember what happened and that can be scary, but it sounds like you were with people who care about you, and who looked after you. Which is excellent.
You had a crappy weekend, do you remember what triggered it off?
Can you ask the people around you what they remember? And if they do is there anything you can do to avoid it in the future?
But mainly - have you spoken to your doctor? Do you have a counsellor? Someone with some training that can help you?
My comments probably don't help, but I do want you to know we're here for you.
Take care
Loz xx
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
I let the youth leader at church down, she said she wasn't going to let me hurt myself, but... well, I did.
It sounds like like lady had good intentions, but you can't make someone not hurt themselves, it has to come from within. YOU have to want to give up and it needs to be you who decides when is the right time.
Do you have any distractions that you can use to stall yourself? Maybe when you get the urge you could start small and tell yourself you are not going to hurt yourself for ten minutes, an hour, a day, whatever time frame you need. And then once you've reached your goal and you are consistently reaching your goal you can push it up a bit. And you can reward yourself for your achievements.
Just because you are hurting, doesn't mean you have let anyone down. You just need to find a way of coping that works for you. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about anything x
Thanks guys, I know I should have replied sooner and stuff, but it's been a hectic week and the internet's been slow so I've been avoiding it somewhat. (apart from MSN when I can but that's not the point).
Youth club last night triggered off a big panic attack and it took about half an hour before I could actually get through the door. I think that was just the memories of last week, and all the people who know what I did whereas I don't. Stupid thing is though, I've seen the important people (whose opinions I care about) since then anyways, and I've been in the church since then, but I'm not going to question it too much.
I think the thing last week, the whole weekend and stuff, was triggered by the fact that I was telling people certain stuff about my past and everything, stuff I hadn't told anyone before, not even online, and I guess thinking about it made me do everything.
Saw the doctor on Wednesday, gotta go back on Monday and discuss the results of one of those depression and anxiety questionnaires, and one of the youth leaders at church has got a "counsellor" for me on Tuesday, but I don't know how much help that'll be cause she'll just want to pray for me, and I don't think that's really what I need.
Things are getting better slowly, I guess. Stuff they were talking about at the end of youth club last night was triggering, but I got myself out of the situation, and I managed to somehow distract myself enough to manage not to cut...
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
*snuggles back* You're not selfish hunni, you're just struggling, just like the rest of us.
I don't want today to happen... I don't want to go to the doctors, I don't want to admit to everything... I don't know if I can... 5.25 I've got to be there and I'm already panicking about going... help?
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I know going to the doctors is really scary but you CAN do it. Its ok you don't have to tell them everything, tell them what you are ready to tell them. Can you maybe write it down what you have to say and then give it to your doctor, I know I find that helps me sometimes when I am finding it difficult to talk about things. Take some deep breaths sweetie you can do this. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I guess I don't have to tell her everything, but.. well I went last wednesday, and she gave me a questionnaire to fill in and give back to her and said we'd discuss it all today. That's the thing I'm freaking out about, like, she's going to know just how bad I feel now, and... it scares me admitting that I'm really not OK. I mean, I guess I admitted it last week, when I showed her my cuts and stuff, but... now I have to admit how bad it is.
(and I lied to her about some stuff last week, and she's going to find out this week, because it's obvious )
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I know its really hard to tell people your really not ok but shes there to help hunny. It will be ok, what are you afraid of if you do tell he the whole truth? Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I don't know what it is exactly... reactions to it all I think... I don't want her to turn around and tell me that I'm just looking for attention or something, that I'm not bad enough to need help... I mean, I know it's probably not going to be like that and everything because she's lovely, but... well, it's happened before, it could happen again....
(and I just found out a mate started cutting again last night after a year or so, and I can't do anything to help her today because I'm not in the right place mentally to deal with it and I hate having to tell her that because she needs me.... argh.)
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I know what you mean about being scared about the reaction, I get scared about telling people stuff too for the same reason. Sometimes we have to reach out and take a chance you know as hard as it is. You can do this hun. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Well, I went. Didn't tell her about the stuff I lied about last time, but I did mention some stuff we didn't talk about last time. Referred for counselling, although I hadn't changed my address, so the referral was resent. So, now, I have to wait.
One of my cuts is infected, so she gave me antibiotics for that as well.
Going for "counselling" with one of the youth club leaders today. She calls it counselling, but it's just them praying for me from what she's said... I don't know how much it'll help or anything, but she's said it helped her to recover from her ED, so... at the moment, anything that could vaguely help, I'll give it a try I guess...
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
Glad that you managed to go sweetie, I know it must have been hard. Ok so you didn't tell her everything but at least you told her some things so thats a good start. I hope that when the counselling does come from that it helps but remember if things get worse maybe you can reconsider talking to your doctor again. good luck with the other counselling thing with your leader, I hope it helps a bit for you. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
)