Possibly Triggering - Do people expect you to be fine?
OKay, so after my brother died everyone was all sympathetic and everything and generally wonderful.
But as time's gone on people expect you to move on and get over it.
Now i realize i shouldn't be crying every day but once in a while it's still okay to be sad isn't it?
I mean, my friend's grandma told her (after her dad died) that children generally get over it in 6months and then shouldn't be sad about it any more.
My questions: do other people find this? That they're not expected to miss a person years after they've died.
and do you still miss them and get sad sometimes?
Thanks for reading,
Tabby x
The world is an interesting place when everyone you know has their own realities
god, i still miss my dearest. i still cry. i still hurt. and its been a few months short of 2 years now.
take your time with it. it is your pain to go through how you need to.
ill type more later, im just at work atm.
That is something I have said time & time again. There is no expectation (rather, there should be no expectation) that you should get over it in a month, three months, it is just as likely to be that you'll take the amount of time you need, even if it means years until you stop sponanteously crying about it, it just depends on how you work through it and how you deal with it. But go at your own pace, again, there's no time limit on these things, and grief is such a hard emotion.
Myself, I have found the same to be true, and found it quite hurtful that people expect you to be okay with it when you're still grieving. But people grieve and deal in different ways, and I guess that's what it comes down to. Some will "heal" faster than others, but to expect someone to be fine is unreasonable, and don't place that pressure on yourself to be fine with it all. Take it one day at a time and do the best you can.
*squishes*
But one thing's for sure.. you'll be alright. Just in your own time will you heal from this in the best way you can.
ok, what you feel and what people think with grief often differ so greatly. if people havent experienced that level of loss, they just cant comprehend what its like to carry around with you all the time.
i often try to explain to people, when they tell me, and they do, all the time "time heals all wounds" or "it will be fine in time" and etc,i tell them no, its not it. it will always be the same burden, but I myself with become stronger. its like lifting weights. for a while, the 2Kg weight might be near unbareable to lift, but in time, my muscles will grow. the weight doesnt lessen, but i become stronger, and in becoming stronger, the weight is easier to hold.
but you know your own strength. dont start lifting weights too fast or you will stretch a muscle, and could really hurt yourself...
just take your time, let your strength grow.
i hope that made sense...
As others have said, there can never be a time limit on grief. It may take decades or it may take months and either way, it's ok - it doesn't reflect on how much or how little you loved them, and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Sometimes, people do expect you to move on more quickly than you're ready for, but that's their problem.
As a society, we have far too many unwritten rules about grief. To give you an example: when my fiancée died, I took my engagement ring off the night of the funeral. Quite a few people seemed to think that this was inappropriate, that I should have kept it on for longer, that I should still be wearing it now - eighteen months later. What they didn't know was that he once asked me to promise him that if he ever died, I'd take my ring/s off right after the funeral. What they didn't know was how important a part of the grieving process it was for me.
When you're mourning someone you've loved, you have to do what's right for you. It's the only way. Cry when the tears are there, but don't worry if they're not. Scream and wail and break down when you need to, but soldier on silently if that's what you have to be doing.
You will always get sad from time to time, you will always cry for him every now and then. Not long after James passed away, I came across this paragraph in Memoirs Of A Geisha. It's very, very true and I've shown it to people going through this on many occasions since.
"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of it's own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it. Then we grieve for the grief that has passed."
"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of it's own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it. Then we grieve for the grief that has passed."
When I started college, it was about two months after my beloved little sister died, at just 13 years old. I told my teachers about it, in hope that they'd know to cut me a bit of slack, since my concentration got shot to buggery, and I wasn't doing very well in my lessons.
The teachers got pissed at me for not doing as well as I could do, despite they knew that I'd just suffered a massive loss. My sister and me were practically inseperable. She was the one family member I was really, truly close to. They expected me to be able to work as well as any normal, mentally well student, which...well it was bollocks. I came close to getting kicked out because of that
I kind of understand where you're coming from with this.
It's been almost 5 years since my grandad died and i'm still "healing"
What your friends grandma said isnt correct. As has been mentioned previously, theres no time limit on grief what so ever. You do it in your own time. It will never stop hurting but it does get easier. I dont know how long its been since your brother died, but seeing as it was your brother i'm guessing you're hurting immensly.
Quote:
As others have said, there can never be a time limit on grief. It may take decades or it may take months and either way, it's ok - it doesn't reflect on how much or how little you loved them, and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Sometimes, people do expect you to move on more quickly than you're ready for, but that's their problem.
i think hazard said it all there :)
Some advice someone gave me:
I think it's important that you give yourself permission to grieve- accept your own feelings and express them, whether it's fear, hurt, anger, etc. Try and cope with those feeling the best way you know how, whether its through journaling, poetry, art, but just try and make sure you release them (in a healthy way) rather than keeping them bottled up inside. Build up a strong support network around you, don't try and go through it alone.
Take each day as it comes, don't try and rush things, the grieving process takes a long time, and some days are likley to feel better than others. Understand that things are likely to be disruptive for a while as you, your family also have to 're-find their feet' so to speak. Take control of the things that you can, but remember that there are things that you will have little or no control over, and you can't do anything about that, so don't focus on them.
Make sure you keep hold of your memories because they are now the most important thing that you have. You could make a memorybox or a scrapbook, with photos, written memories, trinkets and special things that remind you of your brother.
Its not right for people to expect you to be ok. I have 4 brother I know they are a huge part of you. No one can expect you to stop crying about it, ever. If they do they clearly don't understand, you should NEVER feel bad about being sad or crying. They're human emotions and you are only human sadness and grief is a part of life you unfortunately have to live through.
My Granddad died 10 years ago I still cry about it sometimes. People you love are always hard to lose, I've come to realize that its ok if I never stop crying about him. I miss him and you obviously miss your brother terribly so you should never feel bad about showing your emotions. Its a lot healthier than bottling them up.
<333
It pisses me off that people can just expect others who've suffered a massive loss to just get over it. And not just for those going through a bereavement, for any sort of trauma. I've seen it a number of times, and...it's beyond me *shakes head*
my best friend died 4years ago an i still cry everyday.
my mum told me i should be over that now but im not.
it takes time to get over a death some people longer tan othes.
if you want to cry everyday hen cry who can stop you.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
It's probably not the same as losing your brother but last year I lost my uncle and a close family friend through cancer. Then one of my best friends who I've known since I was tiny died this February. It shocked me so much and I still haven't got over it. I couldn't speak to anyone properly for days and just wanted to sleep. My other friends were amazing. But you're right, people do seem to act like you should just be over it now. I'm finding that too. It makes me feel bad when I talk about my friend who died incase people think I should be over it by now.
But, remember, there's no set way for how you should be feeling. Everyone grieves differently. Just because other people don't seem to be suffering and crying as much as you do, doesn't mean you shouldn't feel that way. It can take some people a few weeks to feel better, other it can take years. But you will never forget your brother. It's normal for you to still cry over him, you obviously loved him a lot. Please don't try to bottle how you're feeling up just because you feel like you should be over it by now. Bottling it up just makes it worse. If you want to cry, you cry. Don't let anyone stop you.
You will never forget your brother. But please try to remember the good times you've spent with him and hopefully one day you'll find it less painful thinking about him.
My grandpa(who I lived with, and was pretty much my best friend) died just over a year and a half ago now, and I still am not "over" it. I honestly believe that death is not something that you get "over" and one day you just decide that everything is peachy-keen again. I think with time things get easier, and eventually you will come to a point where things become more bearable, but no one has the right to tell you a period of time for how long that should take.
I know where you're coming from, though, because I feel like everyone expects me to be the same as I was before he died, but death affects everything. I sometimes feel pathetic for not being able to talk about what happened without starting to cry, so I know what you mean. I, too, hope that with time things will get better, but remember that no one has the right to tell you how long you "have to get over" it.
you will probably grieve forever. my grandma died when i was ten that was sixteen years ago and i still cry for her. my mom/best friend died in december and i think about her everyday and cry pretty often. i lost my nephew three years ago (he was only 18) and i cry for him. you have to grieve. don't let enyone tell you to get over it. the connection to your brother was unique between you two. you have every right to grieve for as long as you need.
people have told me they expect me to be over my brothers suicide by now. he died 11 years ago and i'm still sad about. there's no way anyone can put a timeline on greif. never let anyone tell you that you should be over it. it's your right to greive and you should take as long as you need to.
take care
kt xxxx
After my boyfriend died, ya everyone was so sympathetic and understanding , and eventually people just assumed I was fine? It's only been 3 months since, and I'm most definitely not fine; but because nobody asks how i'm doing, I never want to / have the option to tell them how i'm aching on the inside.. and how I'm definitely not doing well emotionally. I have alot of trouble talking about it with people.. and it just seems like eveyrone assumes i'm over it. Like wtf.. I wish the people around me were a little more sensitive to the issue of death and greiving, because it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, and it doesn't just "go away" overnight.
It's been 9 years since my nana died, and I miss her tons. And I still cry about it. Maybe not everyday, but I do.
So, its fine. When you lose someone close to you, then I dont think you ever just "get ovr it". That person always remains in your heart.
Over time it'll get easier and you'll cry less. But, you'll also think "what if" for all the big moments in your life...
It'll be ok... =]
"We're not falling in love
We're just falling apart [so let's dance the night away]
This is how the beat goes
This is how the beat goes [Just let your body go]"
-Fer Sure, The Medic Droid
i still miss my best friend and i cry over her every night and she died nearly 6 years ago.
what i found is that i cried continuously for 6 months, then i didnt cry at all for 6 months and then i limited my crying to at night when im lying thinking about her or whatnot.
i guess different people deal with things differently. however you deal with it is ok! its best to grieve properly or it might come back and total knock you off course when you least expect it.
