Asking *adult, as ever. This is my head, I don't think R covers it tbh*

[rhi]

I don't want to clutter up v2. And if someone else wrote that I know what I'd tell them. That's the stupid and frustrating thing, if someone else wrote this, if I was someone else, I'd know what to say, but it's me, so I don't.

I suck at asking for help. I mean I really really suck.

I was more suicidal than I've been for weeks today. More than on Saturday, for example, which was my previous high. I think I've finally faced reality and taken my bracelet off. The alters are me, the alters are hurting me, I am hurting me, ergo I am self harming. I may not want to. I ay be in tears begging them to stop, but still, they are me, and I am them, and...I've never had this much trouble with pronouns before.

I'm stalling on going to bed, because those first few hours in bed are the worst. Well, if you don't count the middle few when I might be sleeping or just not co-conscious, or those last few after I've "woken up" but it's still 5am and I'm entertaining the idea of more/some sleep, or someone just won't let me move til they've finished.

And I'm trying to ignore the memories.
And I'm trying to ignore thinking of history.
And I'm trying to turn this into humour so that it normalises and stops being so f-cking scary.

And I'm back to wanting to take something, anything to stop this.
And I'm back to having various of them triggered, so some are scared, some are flashbacking, and some are "active". Some have an over-riding compulsion to act out whatever it was they were created to do. And if I could tell you I wouldn't. But I can't tell you so the point is moot.

If I could cry, I would.
If I could scream, I would.
If I could ask for help...

There may be no line between me and them, as in they are leaking into me, but this is not all them. Most of this is me. Most of this is me realising things I never wanted to know, and seeing the impact of things that happened over Easter. And...

I don't want to hurt me. I want to stop me. I want to shut me down. I want this to end.

I keep staring at my bed. It's littered with things for a reason. I know what will happen. I know because it's happened, in various guises, since I can remember. I can count good night sleep on my hands. Since October I've had two. And one was with drugs and being awake for days and days before hand.

Today was so beautiful, and I sat on the train marvelling at the juxtaposition and incongruity of walking down highstreet in the sunshine, a georgeous day of lovely summeriness, surrounded by people who were either to engrossed in their own lives to notice or loving the sunshine, and talking of torture and rape with blades.

F-ck it.

[StillVacant]

i have no clue what to say, i really don't. i care - im worried for YOU.
you need to hang on, dont let the others take over, and get help. get as much damn professional help as you can. because this is clearly not good. i dont know you well enough to know if you have a psych or whatever, but if you do, get in touch with them asap.

(((HUGS)))

if i could say something to help, i would. hang in there, take care ok

xxxxxxxxx sv

[Margo]

OH Rhi hunni. you are having a really shiitty time right now! Im so sorry! You know i read this and although its awful i do see hope here. You mention incongruence. Its funny cus i think this is one of your most congruent of posts! I think its a real positive to see you posting like this. Its actually you speaking. The realisations you are getting are positives too! You must see the psychs and tell them all. Its important. you are still mid meds and its never easy!

Hold on Rhi. I think you are going to be ok. I really really do!

Much love
Matthew xxx

[rhi]

I tried to write a reply. And I couldn't.

[Margo]

*hands you more balloons and a monkey called Steve*
Careful with steve, he was at Cambridge you know! *nods* need i say more!

[rhi]

Thank you.

[Le Almighty Kitten]

Rhi, i'll reply tomorrow when i can think straight, but i wanted to let you know that the physical flashbacks aren't unusual but i know how damn frightening they can be.

Shona xx

[Bitter_Angel]

Not sure what to say hun. Not really very good at advice at the min. But you are doing really well asking for help. You dont need to write replies, as long as yu have read it. Keep trying to reach out, no matter how hard it is. Things are always easier with help and there are plenty around willing to help.
As for the memories try to foucus on something such as your breathing, i find this sometimes helps.
Take care
Kim

[random.swirls]

Rhi,

I don't think it matter's where you post so long as you feel comfortable posting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhi

I don't want to clutter up v2. And if someone else wrote that I know what I'd tell them. That's the stupid and frustrating thing, if someone else wrote this, if I was someone else, I'd know what to say, but it's me, so I don't.

I know how easy it can be to say do this and that but taking your advise is easier said than done by a long way. What would you say (or what advice would you give) if you read this post as a impartial onlooker and then what you would think if an impartial onlooker gave you that same advice?

big hugs

xoxx

[rhi]

I think I'm in a depressive phase.

5 days.

Which is reassuring, because it is just a phase and it will pass. But holding onto that right now is hard.

Going to go and try and do more work now.

[random.swirls]

Good luck with the work
Maybe you could write the above down somewhere and keep it with you?

xoox

[Stellata]

*sits with you, whoever needs it, and whoever is forefront in you right now*

Your screams and cries are heard.