Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Inadvertently doing bad things?

[[pretty on the inside]]

I don't know how to describe this. I don't know if I want to. But I need to talk somehow because this is making me really unhappy.

Well... My ex-boyfriend did something bad to me, and I guess I didn't really want to believe he really knew what he was doing to me, how much he was hurting me, when he did it. So I thought maybe he didn't realise he was doing it. I heard or read somewhere that the abused often becomes the abuser.

I put the two ideas together and I am currently obsessed with the idea that I am a horrible person and

The following content has been hidden - Reason : **graphic and triggering**

a rapist because whenever I've been with people they haven't actually consented, it was all just in my head, so I must have held them down and forced them into everything.

I can't make it stop
I feel so awful, disgusting, evil
I feel guilty and I'm scared of these thoughts because although sometimes I can rationalise it, most of the time I honestly believe I have hurt all of these people and done all of these horrible things. Someone who would do that doesn't deserve to live and I'm feeling so low at the moment because I feel like such an evil person.
I don't even know whether I should be posting this because of what people will think of me. I don't know what to believe anymore. I spoke to my friend when I was drunk one night because I was unable to rationalise the thoughts and they were very intrusive and she tried to get me to see that what I was saying was irrational and untrue, but I wouldn't listen to her.

I feel like me being nice, respectful, cared for, loved, wanted... it's all just a delusion that my mind has created to protect me from the truth. Sorry to write such a long post but I'm coming up to breaking point and I really don't know what to do

[distant_yellow]

It is true that many times the abused become abusers. It's when the abuse gets to the point where the survivor thinks that violence is ok. I dont know the full extent of your situation but it's really important that you dont keep it inside of you. Try to think rationally.. take a good hard look at yourself and the things you've been through; take each peice of it seperately and try to figure out what really happened. I know it's easier said than done but please dont sweep it under the rug.

And btw.. you're really strong for posting this even though it's such a heavy topic.

[[pretty on the inside]]

When I think about the guys I've been with, they did like me, they did want to do it and there is no evidence in my mind I've done anything wrong. Nobody has ever mentioned I persuaded/pushed/forced them into doing things. But I have constant accusing thoughts and I'm worried it's all a delusion and really I've hurt these people but don't realise it because of the delusion.

This guy that hurt me was the first guy I ever went out with. He could have made all sorts of impressions on me and taught me all sorts of things were okay. I know what he did was wrong, and I would never intentionally do the same to someone else, but I feel guilty because somehow I feel like I've done it without realising, and my mind is hiding it all from me with delusions and selective hearing/memory.

I don't know how much sense this is making. I want to discuss this with my therapist but I don't really know what to say or where to start =\

[distant_yellow]

You need to remember that these thoughts are delusions and not real. Does your therapist know about what your first boyfriend did to you?

[distant_yellow]

if he/she does know, you could possibly start from there.
Or of course, you could print this out and show it to them.

[Sleepless123]

Yeah i was gonna suggest what Distant Yellow just said perhaps just print this off if you dont know how to explain things cos you actually explain it really well here i think.Well done.

It must all feel really difficult for you right now.i think you were so brave to post this here and i really hope you can talk to your therapist.Good luck.

[[pretty on the inside]]

Thank you for replying...
My therapist doesn't know any of this, and I'm thinking of writing a letter or something to explain what I'm feeling because I find it incredibly difficult to talk about it aloud. I need time to think about the way I explain things etc.
I will update on wednesday when I've seen my therapist
xx